My friends drifting away.

[PlutoTheOpposum]

Well, I just have some stuff to vent about.
This school year I've prided myself on how many friends I've made, and how social I've become.
I just wanted to vent about one of my "closer" friends that some drama happened with recently. It was last week, and I would've vented sooner, but I felt I was just being dramatic. (I am.)
So there's this kid, we'll call him T- I met him on the 3-4th day of school, and I thought he looked really cool. (He was a very feminine boy, and I was trying to make a safe space for all the LGBTQ kids at my school since yeah) So I gave him a simple compliment, and we got to know each other better, and we became friends. Now, he has issues- he's made that apparent. I've done my best to help him even though he's TOLD me there's nothing I can do (He said I can't help him because I don't have a phone, either) And yeah, I understand that. I literally can't stand seeing my friends sad though, but I tried to give him space.
That's not really where the "problem" lies though. He was always asking me for stuff, whether it be my makeup, Schoolwork or my *mom's* perfume (for context, my mom had let me borrow her perfume and he saw that I had some at school... I already got in trouble for it, don't worry) or really just anything. He knows I don't have money but he expected me to be able to buy him something for him birthday. I obviously wasn't able to, but I tried to compensate by instead giving him drawings, one of my plushies, and some other stuff. But even before then he seemed to be drifting away. I hated this, because we're all in a little friend group, and so my other friends were still just as social.
Well, on Friday last week, my friend (who's also friends with him) brought T up, and I was like "Oh! I haven't talking to him in awhile. He isn't mad at me, is he?"
She looked at me with almost pity and told me that he doesn't like me, and that he finds me annoying. She told me not to tell him she told me.
I shouldn't get so upset over this, but it's whatever. He still asked me to do his work, and I still did. All I want is for people to like me, and I know that's a very pick-me-girl thing to say, but it's the honest truth.

As for my other friends, we're still friendly towards each other but we don't talk often. Not including my Girlfriend, I only really have two friends. One is a senior, and she's a bit chaotic but she's awesome. The other is a freshman (like me) and she's also mentally ill.. (which means we either vent to each other, she's high, or we're just completely chaotic)

I dunno, highschool sucks more than I thought it would. When I first got here, I was like "This isn't so bad!" and THEN it hit. When I went to php, I saw all these other kids who were JUST like me, and I hoped to find more kids like that, but honestly I feel pretty alone.

Am I in the right to be upset about all this? I'm aware I'm being dramatic, but I dunno, I need someone else's advice.

[Ennui.]

I'm sorry all of this is happening with T.

I know your friend said that T doesn't like you anymore and finds you annoying, but I would think about how truthful that friend is being. I'm not saying that your friend is lying, and she could be telling the truth, but evaluate how trustworthy the friend is. Consider talking to T and asking him if he is upset with you or anything like that. You can ask him, "I feel as if we have been drifting apart lately and I am worried that you are angry with me. Is anything going on?" Of course, his reaction can guide where things go from there, such as whether the friendship needs to end or whether you can discuss ways to repair it.

I AM concerned though that T may be using you, at least a little bit. You do his work for him and he is always asking for stuff and expecting things from you. Those are red flags to me and is something else you should look into. Think about if it is really fair that he is always asking things of you. If you do want the friendship to continue and you two decide to work thigs out I'd set a clear, firm boundary with him that you will no longer be doing his work for him and that you will say "no" when you need to when he asks you to give him stuff. Stick to these boundaries. If he's upset with that, it may be a sign.

Remember that sometimes friendships do end, sometimes for no reason. Sometimes people naturally drift apart, and that's okay. You still have all the good memories and maybe a lesson learned that you can use when meeting new people in the future. I think it's super valid that you want people to like you! Everyone deserves to have friends that care, and I think most people feel the way you do in that they want to be liked.

With the two friends that you see but don't talk to a lot, maybe you can start to spend more time with them outside of school if possible. Text them more frequently to see how their days are going and share things about your day. Talk about classes, books, movies, whatever you two are interested in. If possible, hang out outside of school.

Try and look for clubs, social groups, or even volunteer opportunities, either in or out of school. That's a great way to meet people who have similar interests.

I do wish you the best of luck with this.

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

Hello,

I am so sorry that you are having a hard time with this and I hope that you will be okay soon. I also hope that you writing all of this down did help you get some of what you are feeling out of you. When we are writing down how we are feeling, it can be helpful because we just start writing and everything will come out, great job.

When we are friends with other people it can be hard to help them when they are going through something because they may not want us to help them and it can be hurtful to us because we are friends and they are pushing us away from them. After giving them some time, you can always try to call or text them and just say Hi how are you doing and also see how they are doing on whatever homework you both have and let them start talking to you and see how they are and then try this again in a few days. Also, sometimes we may have to wait for our friends to come back to us when they are going through something and it is very hard to do, just try to stay calm and not get upset and find something to do to help you get your mind off of this for a while. Find anything fun that you enjoy doing.

I agree with Dez, what she is saying is really good too, see about joining different clubs or if you like sports because you are able to make a lot of friends who like the same thing as you. I hope that you will be okay soon with this.

[Mallika]

Hello Lyl,

Thank you for reaching out to us here on TeenHelp. I hope you will find this a safe space to express your concerns and seek support/advice.

High school is a challenging time for many students universally. I think it is wonderful and thoughtful that you're trying to be a support person for the LGBTQIA+ folk in your school. It is nice that you befriended T and are looking out for him, but his repeated action of asking you for things doesn't seem right to me. Yes, he is your friend, but you are not obligated to always be giving him what he wants. Especially if you are having to give him your mother's items or things which you don't wish to spend your money on, you shouldn't. Next time he asks you for something, don't be afraid to say no. I think that T might need professional mental health support given his behaviour, and if possible, you can encourage him to speak with your school's counsellor since he has told you that he has his "issues".

I agree with Ennui that having an open conversation with him can help clarify things. Our own assumptions and doubts can disturb us mentally and so it can help massively to be transparent with the other party. I also agree that friendships can end. At the end of the day, friendships are human relations. Human relations evolve all the time. Many of us end friendships for various reasons, and I've done this myself. If things are not going the right way with T, it is alright to decide that it might be in your best interest to discontinue being friends with him. I'm not telling you to cut off ties with him if you don't wish, but if you feel that having a distance from T will be better, then I hope to assure you that there's nothing wrong with that. Of course being helpful to our friends is important, but too much of anything is a bad thing. You're also a student at the end of the day, and are not obliged to be tending to all your friends' demands.

Friends come and go. High school especially is a time when we constantly think if our friends like us or not. Feeling lonely in school (or even college) is more common than you think. I also encourage you to pick up hobbies or other healthy pursuits - e.g. sports, a musical instrument, volunteering. I have made many amazing friends through my different hobbies and would always vouch for young individuals to pick up new hobbies. Just like most things in life, friendships take time. You'll eventually meet lasting friends as you grow older.

I've attached some links here on how to cope with feelings of loneliness in high school:
https://schools.au.reachout.com/articles/feeling-alone
https://au.reachout.com/articles/11-...feeling-lonely
https://www.teenvogue.com/story/what...nely-at-school

Take care!

[PlutoTheOpposum]

Thank you all for your responses; I'd like to address a few things-
>I do believe the friend who told me is telling at least the partial truth because 1, she is one of my closer friends, and 2, T's attitude towards me seems to check out. He's been snapping at me a lot and making fun of me about certain things I do (which, maybe I'm too sensitive about that. I'm just really bad at knowing what's socially acceptable behavior and so I just copy other people)
>As for the issues part, I can't say I don't have my own issues and haven't made people worry, but he's constantly joked about wanting to.... (I can't say the word but it starts with s and ends with e. Also for clarification, it was the kinda joke that is played off as one, or at least that's how it seemed in the context.) >I've asked him if he has a therapist, and he's said no. Also, for the school counsellor thing-- a lot of people recommend that for me, but I have trust issues when it comes to counsellors due to bad past experiences. I didn't recommend that for him, but idk.
>I've asked him a few times if he finds me annoying, or if he's mad at me, and he always answers with no. But I really can't tell if he's being sarcastic, or if he means it. It's hard to explain, he just says it in a certain way.
>Also, yeah I kinda agree with you guys about the giving thing. I told my mom and she said that T is using me, because the only thing he has given me in return is an almost-empty perfume bottle (It was like a victoria's secret perfume and it wasn't even a 10th of the way full) I don't know, I'm not one to be picky I guess, but I've put a lot on the line for him (I almost wasn't allowed to go to hoco because of the perfume situation. Even after that, I still offered to pay for his tickets...I've also spent quite a few hours on art for him only for him to turn around and say he wants it redone..)
>I think one of the biggest things is that I don't have a phone. He's constantly on me about wanting me to get one so he can text me, but he knows how much trouble I'll get in if I do have one. So idk.

Honestly, I'm not even mad if he doesn't like me. I just wish he would tell me if he does or doesn't want to be friends so that I'm not wasting my time. Aaah.
Thank you again for all your replies