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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Avicularia Offline
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Long complicated family issues, advice if possible please - June 8th 2009, 04:51 PM

Hi,
Sorry for the long story... but here goes.

My parents aren't exactly the most social two people in the world, my dad is pretty bubbly and will talk to anyone, but my mum doesn't so much. they rarely go out, never ever go clubbing or even to a pub out drinking together. Most parents i think have like a "circle of friends" but mine don't seem to, my mum's life seems to revolve around her work, and she did work 5 full days (8-7) and a half day a week. (she now works 4.5 days)
Three years (2006) ago my dad took up a one year training course. he met new people, and started to go out more.
about 1.5 years ago, i started to notice my mum getting alot more angry easily, generally being in a bad mood all the time. i blamed it on her work, as my dad still seemed so cheery.
i am awful at talking to people, i can have a perfect mapped out conversation in my head, but i am really bad at starting a conversation about anything awkward/upsetting and absolutely hate talking about "serious", i just always can't say what i think, and say the wrong thing.

my parents started arguing more, my mum would start off an argument, generally about petty things, although it would never really escalate infront of me and my brother, just quiet but 'nasty' words would be uttered. Because of this i started to dislike my mum, getting annoyed at every petty thing she would get really stressy and just ruin like a family meal by noone daring to talk for fear of getting snapped at, or me and my brother causing conflict.

A short while after that i started hearing rows between my parents, which had *never* happened before. full on shouting arguments, and my mum obviously crying her eyes out, but really angry and throwing things (not sure what/who at). For a while these would happen 3/4 times a week, and i would just sit in my room, with my dog and cry my eyes out with music so i couldn't hear. i couldn't understand why they didn't get on like they used to, but couldn't talk to either of them. i just tried my best to stay as happy as i could, and not let it affect my life, by not thinking about it.

after a while i plucked up the courage to ask my dad what was up with my mum, he just casually replied, "oh works really tough and busy at the moment". end of conversation. this just made me dislike my mum even more, why did she have to take it out on our whole family, and *never* be in a good mood, or even smile.

my dad used to go to see his friends from his course in London, and his parents in oxford, fairly often, for a few days every school holiday. i noticed my mum seemed quite alot more relaxed at these times, but as soon as my dad was mentioned she never had a good word to say, and got instantly ratty.

From the row's, after a while i gathered my mum was accusing my dad of having an affair, with the words "her" "she" "you're a f*****g bastard", and things to do with giving "her money". i assumed my mum was being paranoid, as i never thought my dad would do that, he's such a nice family guy.

then, just over a month ago, my dad gave me his old phone as he got a new one. i put my sim card in, tested the camera out, went to look at the albumns and saw some pics of my dad in a hospital by the side of a ladys bed, holding a baby. i didn't really look very closely, just thought "fair enough, a friend of his has had a baby, as i know a fair few people at his work who have recently had babies". i deleted them and thought nothing of it.
later i went onto my messages, and found messages from someone, as i'm sure most people would, i read them, from what i can remember they said these sort of things:

"do you still love me?"
"thomas is good today and says hello to his daddy"
"thomas looks like his daddy"
"i can't believe we missed his half birthday!"
"is this date OK for the christening for you?"

and loads more, clearly showing my dad had a 6 month old child with another woman. i had a half brother.

i couldn't believe it, i sat up most of the night crying, thinking what this meant, i couldn't see how my parents were still together, and what would happen if they divorced, my life would be ruined. the next morning, i deleted all the messages, but after a few days i had to give the phone back to my dad with a lame excuse, i couldn't bear to use it.

that was a while ago, i couldn't stop thinking about it for about 2 weeks and was pretty upset at the time, but none of my friends knew why. i just blamed tiredness. after a while i told one of my best guy friends over msn, as i had to tell someone, he didn't say much, which i appreciate, and never brings it up as he knows i don't like talking about it, i just had to tell someone.

i haven't mentioned it at all to either parent, i thought about telling my 18yr old brother, as i thought he had a right to know, but couldn't and i would worry that he would bring it into conversation when he was arguing with my parents, as teens do.

i couldn't look at my dad for a few weeks, and barely talked to him (and my mum) for weeks. although i was making it obvious something was up, neither parent actually talked to me at all, as i hoped they would. i dunno, but it horrible when my mum used to come talk to me when i'm uspet, and neither have asked me what was wrong at all. my dad after a few weeks told me to stop being so bloody grumpy all the time and blamed it on my hormones, but not once did he ask me WHY i was so upset (grumpy).

it really hurts that i can almost break into tears and walk off from a family meal, and noone thinks to come to talk to me after, as they used to, i'm just left in my room alone.

basically i don't know what to do now, i can't stand being round either parent really, and i'm angry neither of them have told me why they have argued so much when i can obviously hear them shouting, even if just to say they are "going through a bad patch". it's not as though it doesn't affect me.
i can't talk to my friends as i find it too difficult, although after writing that i think i may have to explain everything to my sort of ex-bestfriend, who i lost after being such a bitch to everyone when i just couldn't cope.

home life doesn't seem to be improving really, both parents are equally ratty with each other now and its horrid to be at home at all


if anyone managed to read through all that, you are amazing, and sorry for that rather long story
   
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Re: Long complicated family issues, advice if possible please - June 8th 2009, 06:22 PM

Hi there..
Wow! When life throws you curveballs..
Well, you really really need to broach the subject with your father privately, perhaps, first. Be strong and assertive and really find out what is going on. It is really unfair (if this is the case) that he has a second family like this behind everybody's back.
You really need to bring this up. Mostly for your sake as your brother is already moved out, I presume. It won't do any use to simply shrug it off and let go. This needs to be resolved. Try writing your thoughts out in a letter and then taking the piece of paper with you when going and speaking with your father. That sort of thing always helps me organize my thoughts.
Also, after you speak to your father privately, make sure to start incorporating your mother. I just suggest speaking with your father first to make sure things are as they seem.
If your father doesn't give a satisfactory explanation, then go to your mother and perhaps he will finally open up when your mom inquires.
Best of luck <3


Live and let live.
   
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Re: Long complicated family issues, advice if possible please - June 8th 2009, 07:26 PM

i'm 99% sure my mum knows, after the conversation i overheard about giving money to her (child maintanence?)

and my brother is moving out in october of this year
   
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Re: Long complicated family issues, advice if possible please - June 9th 2009, 07:30 AM

Im sorry i cant even imagine how possibley hard hat could be but i do know how it feels when no one comes to check on you when you are obviously deressed.
   
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