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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
cotourby Offline
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Question My mom says I'm being selfish, but I honestly can't see why. What do you think? - June 15th 2009, 07:58 PM

I'm very sorry this is so long, but it's really really bothering me and I need some advice if you don't mind taking the time.

Okay, so basically everything is a mess right now. My mom's business closed a few months ago, she's declaring bankruptcy, she has virtually no money left whatsoever, her checking account is completely empty, and her credit cards are on hold. All we have is some cash to get by on for the next few months and she's been selling a lot of our old stuff to consignment stores to make some extra money. And on top of all that, my twin sister and I will be starting college in the fall. Now, before I go on, I have to say, even though it may seem like it, these circumstances are not my mom's fault at all. As hard as it may be to believe, she's just had the absolute worst luck imaginable the past few years, and now she's been left financially, personally, and mentally ruined. She can't even afford her prescriptions that she needs, and therefore she is incredibly scatter-brained and irritable because of everything. She doesn't have time to look for a new job right now with everything that's going on either.

Now for my side of the story.
Unfortunately, This disaster is occurring at the most hectic time of my life. I'm trying my best to help her through this hard time, but it's a lot more than I can handle, simply because I just don't know what to do, and she doesn't seem to understand that. I mean, on top of all the stuff that she needs from me, I have my own priorities that I really can't do on my own. For example, I need to get financial aid from my college, and I've been done with my part of the application process since February, and the rest is all stuff that she needs to do because it involves her finances. Now, everyone else I know has finished their financial aid work months ago, and I've been asking her to do it since February and she's still not done! And I'm running out of time and I'm getting scared! And every time I try to talk to her about it she gets extremely angry and refuses to talk to me and tells me to stop "interrogating" her and we just end up fighting. But, I mean, considering the fact that I have only two months to get a few thousand dollars and I can't do it without her help, wouldn't it make sense for me to want to talk to her about it and make sure she gets her part done? I mean, is that selfish? But that's not all.

For weeks now, I've been trying as hard as possible to get a job, and I think I'll hopefully get one soon, but until then I need money to get by on. I have a few hundred dollars in a bank account in PA where we used to live, and I could really use that money asap. But, for whatever reason, my mom has control over that money, not me. So I need her help to withdraw that money and use it to set up my own bank account where we live now. Now I've been asking her to help me with this for months now, and at first she said that it was no big deal, but now every time I bring it up she gets more and more angry, just like how she is when I ask her about my financial aid. And today when I talked to her about it along with some other things that have been worrying me, she got extremely angry. She told me that she couldn't give me an answer because, for her, everything is on a day-to-day basis right now, and she needed me to think that way to, and not worry about the things we need to get done and just deal with everything else as it comes. But I've been trying to do that for months and absolutely nothing that I needed her help with has gotten done yet, and I'm sick of it, and I can't help but think that if I don't get some straight answers from her now and get her to make some decisions, I never will, and that really upsets me. But When I tried to explain this to her, she told me that I was the absolute most selfish person she's ever known, and told me to leave the room and refused to talk to me.

Now, given what I've just said, do you think I'm being selfish? I mean, aren't my concerns and needs reasonable considering the circumstances? Or am I really as bad as she says? Thank you so much!
   
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Re: My mom says I'm being selfish, but I honestly can't see why. What do you think? - June 15th 2009, 08:09 PM

This is a lot on your plate Corby! Unfortunately, I can empathize all too well.
My mother is much the same way excepting the fact that she does take her medication. However, things are still hard in that she can get very irritable and all of that.
This is a disease and you're not selfish at all. In order to get the paperwork done, you might have to research into doing it mostly all yourself and just getting her to sign on the dotted line. When the cognition goes, so does a lot of the patience, understanding, and insight.
The most important thing to understand is that none of this is your fault or doing. You're not selfish at all.
PM me if you want to talk more, okay dear?
I wish you the best. xx


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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: My mom says I'm being selfish, but I honestly can't see why. What do you think? - June 15th 2009, 10:09 PM

Hi Corby,

Is looking to provide yourself with a stable future selfish? Is wanting to get an education and make your own way in the world selfish? Certainly not! What you are looking into doing right now is in no way selfish, and I don't think it is right for your mother to take out her financial insecurities on you.

Instead of just talking, start planning. Take out whatever paperwork she needs to deal with and stick it under her nose when she isn't doing anything. Plan a time with her when she would be free to help you out. Ask her if she is available this weekend to spend some time with you, when and if she says yes, then explain that you would like to go over your stuff for school. Plan things out so that she cannot under any circumstances refuse you.

You have a right to access that money in your bank account. If you ever feel that your mother is trying to keep that money from you, then I would suggest making an appointment with someone at your local bank immediately and explain to them the situation. They will be able to guide you into how to make your own bank account and access your own money. Read through everything carefully and make sure you agree to what is right for you.

Living on a day to day basis is not the best thing to do. You are right in wanting to plan ahead. I highly suggest going to your bank and asking questions about what you would be able to do as a student, and get a job as soon as you can. Take care of your own finances from now on.

Keep looking ahead, and don't let your mom push you down. Take care of yourself and good luck in your education and your life ahead of you
If you ever need to talk, I am always available by PM.

Nat.


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Re: My mom says I'm being selfish, but I honestly can't see why. What do you think? - June 18th 2009, 02:30 AM

Hey Corby,

You are not selfish at all! I am so sorry that this is all happening to you. I think you should go down to the college you are planning on attending or call them and explain your situation and ask them if their is any other way for you to get this straightened out. If not, you are going to have to continue talking to your mom until she helps you out. What does your sister have to say about all this? Maybe the two of you could get together and talk to your mom? Explain to her how worried you are about not getting your financial aid finished on time and what not.

Hope this was helpful and if you need someone to talk to feel free to pm or aim me.


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Re: My mom says I'm being selfish, but I honestly can't see why. What do you think? - June 18th 2009, 06:09 AM

Hey Corby! You are not being selfish at all. It is the basic right of every human to get an education. So you should probably turn a deaf ear to your mom when she calls you selfish.

You should try doing the paperwork on your own if your mom won't help you. If that doesn't work you can always try asking your dad or some other elder person to help you with it.

Anyways, I hope it all sorts itself out for you. Just keep thinking towards the positive. Good luck!
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Re: My mom says I'm being selfish, but I honestly can't see why. What do you think? - June 18th 2009, 06:31 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Strider View Post
You have a right to access that money in your bank account. If you ever feel that your mother is trying to keep that money from you, then I would suggest making an appointment with someone at your local bank immediately and explain to them the situation. They will be able to guide you into how to make your own bank account and access your own money. Read through everything carefully and make sure you agree to what is right for you.
Just wanted to point out that if the age he has listed is accurate, and he is only 17, he really can't get his money out without his parent. Even though I was working when I was 16 and went away to college when I was 17, no bank would give me an account that I had sole authority over until I turned 18. I would be free to make deposits but couldn't make withdrawals without a parent. It was pretty lame and I checked out every single bank I could find. I ended up just waiting until I was 18 and then suddenly I was able to have a normal checking and savings account.

Also, while I know it may be making relations between you and your mom tense, do whatever you need to do to get that financial aid information in. Most schools start giving away scholarships and such during the spring, and usually the later you submit your paperwork, the less aid you will get.

And I definitely don't think you are being selfish in any way.
   
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Re: My mom says I'm being selfish, but I honestly can't see why. What do you think? - June 18th 2009, 06:31 AM

Well, how much money do you need in order to attend college for the next four years? Not just for tuition/textbook fees, but for general living fees as well? How much of all of this will financial aid cover? How much more will need to be covered by loans?

Perhaps your mother doesn't want to talk to you about financial matters at the moment because she feels like you're going to ask her to pay for a significant amount of your college/living fees, and she's struggling just to get herself back on her feet. She can't afford to worry about two children who are entering adulthood, and is hoping that you can figure all of this out on your own.

Just something to think about.

I agree with everyone else. Visit your university's financial aid office, and ask someone there what you would need from your mother (ex. W-2's, bank statements, etc.). Once you have all of that, fill out the forms on your own. Then, once everything is completed, or only a few more things are needed, present the work that you have done thus far to your mother. Demonstrate that you are willing to do the majority of the work, and that you only need her for a few finishing touches. Hopefully, this will lead to her seeing the financial aid situation as less overwhelming, and she'll be more willing to help out when she sees that she doesn't have to commit as much time as she initially thought.








   
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Re: My mom says I'm being selfish, but I honestly can't see why. What do you think? - June 18th 2009, 07:23 AM

I would do the same thing. Your mother seems to be having some serious problems.



   
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