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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Coping - June 19th 2009, 04:19 AM

I don't know if this is the right place for this so please move if needed

Okay, I would like some advise on this so heres my dilemma: So my mom is a great person. However she tends to pick out abusive (to me and her) boyfriends. And Well I've been talking to my therapist about this and she wants me to come up away with coping with the abuse (emotional and verbal). Because I've been having some nightmares about them (not good =[). I've tried talking to both of them. Do you guys know any ways to cope?


   
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Re: Coping - June 19th 2009, 06:25 AM

Hi there Megan,

for me, writing my own "personal declarations" reminding myself why I do matter and sort of countering the statements made or views about myself instilled by the emotional and verbal abuse.

Are there any ways of directly "not listening" that you could do, like blaring an ipod so that you don't have to hear what the person is saying?

And if you can, getting yourself out of the situation, by going for a walk or meeting up with a friend, can be helpful, too.

Hang in there. And feel free to PM me anytime!


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Re: Coping - June 19th 2009, 07:39 AM

My stepmother has bipolar disorder, so there are times when her conversations, even when directed at my father, can be indirectly abusive toward me. I'll go upstairs and shut the door to my room, play music, talk with friends online. If I can still hear her, I'll leave the house entirely and talk to my dad about how it bothers me afterward.

Have you been able to talk to your mother about this, and how it's negatively affecting the both of you? What does she say in response to this, if anything?





   
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Re: Coping - June 19th 2009, 10:43 PM

Hi Megan,

I'm really sorry that your mom has been making some bad decisions lately. It's not fair for both of you to put up with abuse at any time. Coping is really important, but what is even more important is doing something about what is happening.

The first thing to do is to talk to your mom. Let her know that you think that the boyfriends she is choosing are abusive and why. She may not fully realize the impact they are having on you. Tell her exactly how you feel and give her scenarios that have happened in which you felt abused. Maybe you could even bring her in to your therapist sometime to talk about this.

If you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation or a situation in which you feel abused, then get yourself out. Physically remove yourself from the situation and go somewhere you feel safe. This could be as close as your bedroom, or even a friend's or neighbour's house. Give yourself some time to yourself.

Abuse can escalate if it is not dealt with. Have your mom talk with her boyfriend about this and get him to stop. If he continues, then she should not be in a relationship with them. Overall, you cannot decide who she dates, but keep telling her how bad the situation is and get her to understand what is happening.

If you ever feel in danger or feel that you are unsafe around your mom's boyfriend, then do not hesitate to contact the authorities. You deserve to feel safe and not put up with any kind of abuse.

Take care of yourself.

Nat.


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June 20th 2009, 02:44 AM

Thanks for the advise. I've tried to talk to her and I told her boyfriend how much he hurts me but that never works. In fact I think that makes it even worse. You see I try to get out of the house but I really can't my friends live far. And I don't have a car. Also the only place I can get away to is my dads but my dad is really depressed (long story) and that just gets me down more. Also the last time my therapist tried to talk to my mom she threated to put me in the pysch ward. I almost wanted that; to get away but like I said it was only a "threat". If you can and any advise I would really appreciate it. Thanks. =]

Can you please ...Help???



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Re: Coping - June 24th 2009, 08:40 PM

Your mother can't admit you to a psych ward unless there's evidence that you have a severe mental disorder and/or self-destructive behavior that cannot be dealt with via typical methods. So her threat is exactly that: a threat.

I'm not sure what else can be said, unfortunately. =( If I were in your shoes, and my mother wasn't listening to me and/or threatening me, I would do everything within my power to get out of the house. Even if you don't have friends nearby, just getting out of the house for a bit could be helpful. Are there any nearby stores? Perhaps a park? Any place at all that would be safe to go to for a few hours? Somewhere to read a good book, or get some homework done, without having to deal with the abuse?





   
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