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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Are they being rude or is this just me? - June 26th 2009, 03:26 PM

First question, Is it acceptable for my friends to hold long phone conversations with other people whilst they are hanging out with me? It makes me feel very slighted and gives me the impression that they don't really want to be with me at that moment. I do admit that I am easily offended but is this behavior of theirs okay or not? These phone calls are never emergencies. How should I respond to this? Is it okay for me to just leave, or ask them to leave?

Second question, there is this girl I know that lives in a very tough home situation and I allow her to escape to my house when she has no where else to go. I am not close friends with her and I do not enjoy her company at all. Sometimes she spends the entire day at my house, do I have to amuse for the whole twelve hours? I am a busy person and right now I am in the process of job-hunting and working on my college portfolio. I can't afford to spend my entire day fooling around with her, but I don't trust her alone in my house. Should I stop allowing her to come over? I don't want her to feel trapped inside her house but she makes me feel very unsafe and uncomfortable.
   
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Re: Are they being rude or is this just me? - June 26th 2009, 04:52 PM

I think the key solution to both of these issues is talking. Why not have a talk with your friends and tell them that you're not going to be up to hanging out with them as much if all they seem to do is talk on the phone. It is kind of rude to hold extremely long phone conversations while already hanging out with another friend, and I don't blame you for being annoyed. Hopefully if you talk to the friends that tend to do this then they will understand that it annoys you and makes you feel slightly uncomfortable.

As for this other girl, I think it's great that you allow her to come to your house when she has no where else to go, that's very kind of you. Perhaps talk to her as well, and let her know that while you will continue to allow her to spend time at your house you hope that she will understand that you cannot always stay with her as you have a lot of things to do during the day. You are being kind enough letting her stay at your house for the day, and you should not have to amuse her the whole time she is there, as that's not fair to you.

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Re: Are they being rude or is this just me? - June 26th 2009, 06:06 PM

"Unsafe and uncomfortable"? I'm sorry that this girl is going through a difficult time at home, but if she is making you unhappy by being over at your house all the time, it's time to let her know that she can't continue to crash at your place. Maybe something like: "I'm sorry that you're having so much trouble at home, and I would love to help you out, but I'm very busy these days and can't make time to be with you as much as I'd like... how about we meet on _____day? I'm reeeeally busy up until then, with all the errands/places I have to go, and I won't be around to let you into the house. I'm sorry." That way, you can still come across as wanting to help her out, but on the other hand, you have a convenient (and non-negotiable) excuse as to why you can't spend time with her, or let her stay at your place. After a few weeks, she may get the message, and start pestering someone else.

How is she getting to your house? Walking? Driving? If she's walking, perhaps you could simply offer to drive her somewhere else (if you have a car) - to a certain extent. It's important to set up limits, otherwise she'll want to make you her personal chauffer. If she's driving, then I'm sure she can drive somewhere else, like a library or mall, to get away from her situation for a while. But spending an entire day with you, and so frequently? Sounds like she's just taking advantage of your kindness and generosity. What does she do when she's at your place? Borrow your computer, TV, books? A friend of mine did that... eventually, I put two and two together, and believe me, I wasn't very happy with her, or myself, when I came to that realization.

As for the first situation, just tell your friends that it bugs you, and that if they want to chat with others friends on the phone, perhaps they should simply leave and go MEET those other friends! If they're coming over to your place, it should be to hang out with you. Again, it sounds like they're taking advantage of your hospitality.








   
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