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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
rockerbabe12292 Offline
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my grandmother disowned me for wanting something better for myself. . .(sorry its so long) - July 25th 2009, 10:46 PM

This is going to be a long post, I know this already because there is no way I can fully explain my situation in a few short sentences. A year ago I asked my stepfather to adopt me. He and my mother have been together since I was 5 years old and he has helped raise me since then. My real father is a cocain addict and doesn't know how to love anyone other than himself. He never wanted me and he told my mother and me that. We have never had a good relationship dispite my honest effort for one. His mother, my grandmother would get into verbal fights with him because he refused to hug me and/or tell me that he loved me. My entire family saw that our relationship was bad and would tell him how they felt. My mother was the first to tell my grandmother and papa that I had asked my step father to adopt me. She told them that she was going to tell my father just to pay the 5,000 dollars that he owed in child support and he wouldn't owe anymore during the adoption process or anymore for the months that it took him to obtain the money. My father, dispite his lifestyle and addictions has a pretty good income, he just refuses to pay child support on time and $5,000 wasn't that much to ask from him, it was what he had owed me. After my mother told my grandparents and then told my father, my grandmother called me on the phone and first asked if anyone was home, no one was. She then attacked me over the phone by pretty much trying to turn me against my mother by making up lies about her about things that happened during the divorce and telling me that my step father had told her when i was just a child that he didn't want to get close to me and just making me feel awful and terribly guilty about my decision when in the first place I had told her that she was and always would be my family and that i loved her, but I didn't love my father. She broke me down and tried to get me to believe that my mother was the bad guy and my father was a saint, but really he was the one that beat my mother and me black and blue when i was just a baby and thats why they got divorced. so I immediately called my mother crying and told her what my grandmother had said and she wrote my grandma a letter expressing how unhappy she was. I hadn't heard from her in a year, I honestly wasn't sure if I ever wanted to hear from her again after seeing that side of her and seeing what a cruel, hurtful person she was. Then a week ago I wrote her a letter telling her how I felt and said that I wanted to have a relationship with her again. I told her I missed her and loved her. She called me yesterday and did the same thing she did a year ago, she tried to break me down and make my mother seem like the bad person, but I didn't let her this time. I told her that what ever happened during the divorce didn't include me and wasn't my business and she should take that up with my father. I told her that there wasn't anything I could do to make it all better for her and she would never be happy anyways. Eventually she stopped and she started talking to me like she used to. She told me about her life, and about her nefews. I think she still disowns me and it still hurts that she knows my father isn't suitable and she can't still love me when I want something better for myself, she can't just be happy for me. It hurts that I used to be her pride and joy, and now my name is dirt to her all because I wanted a father. I don't know if I am going to have a relationship with her or not, I'm not sure if she is going to continue to hurt me, or just let it go, but i tried. I would just like some input, maybe if someone was or is in a similar situation you could give me some support/or advice. I'm sorry this was soooo terribly long, I hope you still read it anyways. Thanks.


RIP JESSIE, JACK, & DAVID <3

CJM <3 UNTIL THE END OF TIME

<3 JOCIE

http://www.theblogofjocie.blogspot.com
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Strider Offline
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Re: my grandmother disowned me for wanting something better for myself. . .(sorry its so long) - July 27th 2009, 12:04 AM

Hi Jocie,

I think that was an enormously courageous thing you did by sticking up to your grandmother after she tried to bad mouth your mother again. It really takes a lot to endure that kind of negative lecturing and to stick up for yourself and for your mom. You did a really good job, Jocie, and you have a lot to be proud of.

It is important to want the best for yourself, and to have your step father adopt you after he has cared for you so much is a really good decision. No matter what your father or grandmother may think, that doesn't change who you are and what you deserve as a person. You deserve to have a father figure and be happy, and if this is what it takes, then so be it.

Your grandmother knows how you feel about the situation now, and speaking to her in person and writing a letter should make it clear. From now on, make it up to your grandmother on whether or not she wants to keep up the relationship with you. If she phones to talk to you again, feel free to talk to her how you used to, but if she starts bad mouthing your mom or making you feel bad, then feel free to hang up the phone! You don't need to take that from her ever.

Don't worry about the length of your post! I think you explained the situation very well, and it always helps to get a bit of background on these things.

Take care. I hope that everything goes well for you.

Nat.


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Re: my grandmother disowned me for wanting something better for myself. . .(sorry its so long) - July 27th 2009, 06:47 AM

I can sort of relate. It's a bit similar for me, only a generation farther back.

My Father's father was always bad to him and his brothers and his mother, and basically, to everyone. He forced my dad and his brothers to work through childhood, then blew the money on trips to Mexico and cheated on my Grandmother (I'm not BSing here), and he was just a shitty guy. Finally him and my grandmother got divorced, and she got married to the man that I consider to be my real grandfather, as he's the only one I've ever known. Before I was even born, he molested some children, inside and outside the family, and he managed to get out of the cases as there wasn't very much proof to verify anything, but a girl within the family testified very clearly what happened and what he'd done, and then some other testimonies washed up, so we're all well-aware of what happened. But his mother still loved him, regardless of how horrible he was, and everyone loved her, because she was just awesome. So, basically, most of the family pretended to be okay with him, while my mom and dad and the close relatives of the kids he touched just avoided everything to do with him. Because of this, a fair amount of the family avoided us and I never got to know them in the first place. But I did used to speak with some of my aunts that I had met on the phone, at least, and that was about it for family that I had any communication with on my Dad's side. But then my Dad's Grandmother died, and my Dad simply told the family that he couldn't make the funeral due to lack of money for the travel it would take and that he would pay his respects on his own. People took this as my Dad disrespecting my Grandmother, and one of the Aunts that I really liked just suddenly stopped talking to us. I was in like fourth grade, so I'd be calling her a bunch with news and stuff, wondering why she wouldn't pick up and what was wrong with her machine that she never called back, and my parents wouldn't tell me why either...It's been four years now, I loved that Aunt, and now I'm sure that I'll probably never get any big family experiences because of what happened.

The situations probably don't really compare, but I'm just saying that I can sort of relate with the hurt that comes from your family just pretending like you don't exist when you can't help what happened, and it's really tough, but all you can do is realize that you are the rational person in the situation and that you can't do anything if the other party will not cooperate. And it sucks, I know, but time goes on, I guess. Good luck hon.
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: my grandmother disowned me for wanting something better for myself. . .(sorry its so long) - July 30th 2009, 04:58 PM

Thanks very much for the replies and support, I very much appreciate it. I'm still a little confused about everything, but I'm dealing. My grandmother did call me again the other day and just talked to me normally like we used to. Maybe she's one of those people that can't admit when they're wrong. I dont know whats going to happen with our relationship, so i'll just have to wait and see. Thanks again.


RIP JESSIE, JACK, & DAVID <3

CJM <3 UNTIL THE END OF TIME

<3 JOCIE

http://www.theblogofjocie.blogspot.com
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