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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Allegro Ritmico Offline
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Exclamation Dad + Mom's sister...?! /: HELP ME!!! - July 30th 2009, 06:55 AM

Hey all,

I personally am never really one to stress out, and more often than not I hold my own pretty well. But here, I've come across one of the biggest neurotic hindrances of my lifetime, and I need urgent help...

Here's the story.

My mom and dad have been legally split up for almost two years, now. It wasn't exactly a "resentful" breakup so to speak, but more of a "this has got to happen, so let's get it over with BTW I don't like being around you anyways" sort of thing. Apparently, they had been planning the divorce for a few years prior to my knowledge, as the story usually goes.

So the aftermath was this:

My mother moved out to my home-state of Oregon, because she loves it there (just as much as I do), and lived on her own for a while. Shortly thereafter, she befriended a casino co-worker security officer, and soon they were dating. (FYI, The security officer was a woman, not that it makes a difference to me). I wholeheartedly support that sort of thing, and I do encourage my parents not to be lonely...

So, over the course of about 3/4 of a year, my mother came to miss me and my sister very much, because we were still living out of state, with the only emergency contact parent being my father.
She convinced her partner to move back down so that she could be closer to her kids, which you'll soon find out that I found out that this was too close for comfort for my dad.

So my dad and I moved them into their new place. My dad and the partner seem to get along pretty well, though it seems a little awkward sometimes.

I've noticed simultaneously in my living environment that my dad is going to dating sites and going out on dinner dates with lots of different people. Which is okay, i suppose, cause like I said earlier, I do support them in not being lonely...

It is a few months since my mom and her partner were moved in. But it is here that the plot thickens. I gained (legal) access to my fathers email and discovered that him and my mom's sister have been flirting and talking about dating for a few months (since May). This is also where I found him badmouthing my mom, and saying he wanted to be an extensive distance away from her. My mother's sister agreed with him on everything.Not only am I sad, disappointed, heartbroken, shocked, frightened, and confused... But I plainly just don't know if I should say anything to my mom or not... because I'm well aware of the consequences capable of being distributed from an angry, abusive, short-fused paternity.

...If you catch my drift...

Could someone please relate/shed some light on this dilemma..?

Please help!!!

Best Regards,

Allegro Ritmico

Last edited by Allegro Ritmico; July 30th 2009 at 07:02 AM. Reason: Details to add.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Dad + Mom's sister...?! /: HELP ME!!! - July 31st 2009, 07:17 PM

Hey Allegro,

It does sound like you are in a pretty confusing situation, and I understand that you are pretty stressed out at the moment. I think that the first thing to do would be to calm down. Try not to work yourself up right now, and give yourself some time to think about this clearly.

Sometimes people say things online to make themselves seem different to someone else. Do you think that it is possible that your dad was saying those things about your mom because he wanted to make it seem to her sister that he was completely over her and therefore free to date other people? Maybe he felt like he had to distance himself as much as he could from your mom in order to get closer to her sister?

Whatever your dad's reasons are, what he said was really rude and not at all fair to you or your mom. However, I think you should just leave it at the moment. I know this is difficult, but how your dad feels about you mom and how close she is to you is his business. It will be your business if he tries to move you away from your mom or get your mom to move away. If that happens, then I suggest you talk to him and explain how you feel and where you want to stay.

Don't let what your dad said change how you feel about your parents. They still both care about you and want the best for you. It sounds like you have a pretty good relationship with them and want the best for them as well.

I am concerned about your comment about your dad being abusive and short-fused. Is he verbally, mentally, or physically abusive towards you? If you feel abused by him, then I suggest you get out of the situation. If you are able to, perhaps staying with your mom might be a better idea.

I hope you are able to put this behind you for now and are still able to continue being on good terms with your parents.
If you ever need to talk, please feel free to contact me any time.

Nat.


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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Allegro Ritmico Offline
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Re: Dad + Mom's sister...?! /: HELP ME!!! - August 1st 2009, 06:30 AM

Thanks for the quick and helpful reply, Strider.

...Yes, I've been trying very hard to keep calm. Mistakes are often made when one hasn't collected himself.

I believe my dad was saying these things to my mom's sister because he honestly felt that way. It's certainly obvious that he craves attention from other women right now as well, but I think it was the former of the two that supplies more copious evidence. Regardless of which, he's made certain that whatever he says, he says in efforts to indeed "get closer" to my aunt.

I understand the benefits of leaving this be, but did you say that "how close [my mom] is to me" is his business? ...I apologize if I sound brash, but that seems to roll off wrong. Couldn't it be my business just as well as his, or do the legal rights of being a father intrude here?
Please, for the sake of being on the same page, correct me if I'm wrong...

Yes, my parents and mine love for one another isn't anything to be forgotten any time soon. It's just extremely uncomfortable being aware of the things that I am, but I would much rather know than not, if that makes any sense.

Concerned for the right reasons, then, I suppose. This is all another story, but definitively speaking, my father's "short-fused" and "abusive" behaviors come from his tendency to take advantage of his rights over me as a father. I would much rather leave the details nebulous, but for reference they could very easily be classified under "verbal", often times "mental", and seldom "physical".

Still wouldn't want to get him mad, though.

Move? Here, this might paint the picture more clearly...

I've considered the switch many times before, but the thing keeping me from making a decision is that in my father's home where I stay resides everything that I do. Music is the vast majority of my life, and there would be no living without it. It's all at my dad's place. Nearly all of my favorite hobbies and pastimes (as well as my job as an A/V editor for my dad's media production company) would be impossible to maintain if I wasn't living with him. There are all so many things in my life that I would miss out on, not to mention school, if I were to move out, as much as I would like to. No school, no friends, no music, no hobbies, no income, no life.

I've never been one to use these teen help sites, but I am quite broadly stuck in a hole that I can't seem to get out of...

Thanks again, so much, for the fast reply.
All of your help is immensely appreciated.
You've brought things into a bit of a new light.

Regards,

Allegro Ritmico

Last edited by Allegro Ritmico; August 1st 2009 at 07:27 AM.
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Dad + Mom's sister...?! /: HELP ME!!! - August 1st 2009, 04:03 PM

I understand that the way I wrote this: "...how your dad feels about you mom and how close she is to you is his business" may have been easily interpreted in different ways, and for that I apologize. I should have found a different way to write it out. I did not mean that how close your mom is to you is your dad's business, I meant that how your dad feels about your mom living so close to you is his business. He is allowed to feel uncomfortable with her close by, and he is allowed to write down what he feels. I think that if he tries to move you away from your mom- when he tries to act on those feelings- that is when it should become your business. If he is saying that he doesn't want your mom around, but isn't acting on it, then I don't think you should take action just yet.

I hope that makes a bit more sense.


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  (#5 (permalink)) Old
Allegro Ritmico Offline
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Re: Dad + Mom's sister...?! /: HELP ME!!! - August 1st 2009, 04:50 PM

Thanks again for taking the time to reply..

It makes a little more sense.
He sure is trying to act on it, but you gave good advice.

Best wishes,
Allegro Ritmico
   
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