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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
roomofangels Offline
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Am I a bad friend? - August 16th 2009, 02:21 PM

Well, I have this friend who is in an abusive situation. Her parents were abusive emotionally and mentally all her life, and so she is bipolar, and gets upset and angry very easily. No one really likes her because she is extremely hyper and very 'in-your-face' so they find her annoying.

I am always the first person she comes to, and I don't think I would mind so much if it weren't for the fact that it seems I am the only one she can turn to when she has a problem and if I'm not around she gets upset or angry and in the end I feel guilty.

She has stated to me that when I am not around bad things seem to happen, indicating to me I should always be around and available. We talk on the phone for a minimum of 5 hours on average per day. My chargable phone has to die before I am allowed to leave. If I leave early she changes her mood from happy to extremely upset. I seem to be her only release from her problems, and it always seems like she has so many.

I feel emotionally drained from being her friend, and if I start to vent she gets upset and one time she told me that my problems have solutions unlike hers. Though my problems have solutions, I refuse to believe that my venting is a bad idea to blow off some steam.

If I hang out with anyone else she gets upset and has to know where I am and when I will be back. She hates my boyfriend and is always envious of him. At the same time though, she wants to be my boyfriends friend, and she wants to be friends with all of my friends. She has started to even try to be friends with my friends so she can be included on outings I am involved with.

We often end up in arguments about something I've said that has offended her but when I bring up something that she is doing that upsets me she makes me feel guilty for feeling that way.

It seems we can't have a conversation even about simple things because something I say is always wrong and she knows the answer. If she is proven wrong she gets pissy. There is always an excuse as well for why I can't be mad at her. Example: I am angry because she wants to talk on the phone when I want to hang out with another friend. That is wrong because her parents upset her earlier in the day and it would be ditching her when she really needed me. That makes me a bad friend.

It seems she can do no wrong, but I do nothing but wrong. I have commonalities with her and we have a lot of fun, but if I mention I need space, she flips... I don't know what to do as I am really attached to her, but she is just so hard to deal with. Does it make me a bad friend that I am complaining about all of this, or am I right to feel like this?

Some days she ends up feeling bad about the way she treats me and ends up apologizing out of the blue, but I always let her off the hook because she'll say things like: "I don't know why you don't hate me, I'm obsessive and I always expect so much of you." and usually then it makes me feel bad so I'm like "No, you're not. I don't hate you." I just wish I never felt this guilty when she did things like that.

I am at a complete loss of what to do to better this situation... Any suggestions?
   
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Re: Am I a bad friend? - August 16th 2009, 04:49 PM

hi,

first of all, any body is lucky to have a friend like you, you may be every thing but you are deffinately NOT a bad friend.

I can understand that your friend is going and always has been threw hard times, but in order for a person to get better he needs to start helping his own self, and one day you wont be there, and she is going to have to deal with her problems by her own.

I suggest you try pushing your friend towards helping her self in an indirect way, claim you need her help on some 'self help' study, assignament, with any subject and let her be familiar with some topics, read some books, quotes or any thing.

2.try enhacing her self-esteem, sometimes,, all she might need is some one she trusts to tell her she can get over it by her self.

3.ask a school councellour or teacher that you trust to help you enhance her confidence.

4.ask her to join some of the social activities you do with other friends (games, book reads, movie talks, shopping).

5.hang out in the mall and socialize , the last thing she wants is staying alone.

6.minize the time you talk her by suggesting a time for both of you to do sth, shopping, hanging in the mall, talking on the phone ........etc, gradually so she is no more that tight up to you.

7.introduce her to teen help.

8.get your self other friends and do other activities so she does not affect your mood and psychology.

do not think you are a bad friend for doing that, you are helping her to have her own life and stay tied up to you, you eventually are going to separate if it is a year , 10 or 20 years later, you can not keep devoting your entire time for her, but you can help her to love and appreciate herself.
I am not being insensitive here, I have an expierience with what I am talking about....after all you do not want to come back from a 2 weeks camp finding your friend in the hospital after a suicide attempt cause she had no one to talk to, and do not feel guilt. please pay attention to your self.


If ur at the bottom then cheer it only can go better
If you are lonely then smile
You do not need them to stay alive
If they hurt you bad ,been hurt worst and every thing is just pushing u down...
And even though you are strong enough to survive


p.m me.........I quite like it

   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Am I a bad friend? - August 17th 2009, 03:50 AM

Thank you very much for taking the time to read all of that first of all.

My friend is the type who LOVES to socialize, and thats the problem it seems... she has this inability to be alone and do things alone. I just sort of noticed this recently... perhaps I should tackle that problem first?

When ever I try to suggest talking less she gets upset so I am going to have to be sneaky about it. She has a tendency to enjoy arguments for some reason and tries to start them to keep me talking to her longer... I definately need to work on her alone problem before anything I think.

Thanks for the advice, it did help a lot.
   
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Re: Am I a bad friend? - August 18th 2009, 11:56 PM

My mouth absolutly DROPPED when I read this.
I still cant believe this... I was in the EXACT same position as you a year ago!!!!!!!!!!
Im not shitting you, either, when I read that I felt like it was Deja Vu.
The only things that were different were that nobody liked my old friend because she was always depressed, and we NEVER talked on the phone.
Anyways, I know exactly how you feel. The guilt.. feeling like you always need to be there, and even if you are there and helping her with her problems, no matter what you do is ever good enough, and she still expects more from you.
My exbestfriend did this to me all the time; her family life was pretty bad.. her mom was schizophrenic, her dad wasnt a real parent, so i do believe that she is also bi-polar. She would always make me drop what i was doing to assist her, and help her feel better, and when i couldnt do anything to make hre feel better, the WHOLE thing turned out to be my fault.

Well, after putting up with this for a few years, I myself began to get depressed, and I became obsessed with making sure she was okay, and I made sure that she was never mad at me whenever I had to go. Which, I'm 100% sure, is what she wanted me to feel like.

So what did I do?
I stopped being friends with her. It was really hard.. but I basically just told her that I couldnt be her friend anymore. More stuff happened, she hasnt gotten over it, infact, its gotten worse. She absolutly loathes me, and wishes I would die (I know she said that for a fact)


So all in all, no you are NOTTT a bad friend! Not at all, if your best isnt good enough for her.. then I think you need to do some thinking. Im not saying dont be friends with her, because more things happened to me that I had to give her up as a friend, but do think about where you stand right now.

Im always here to talk :] I hope I helped and didnt discourage you at all!!!!


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Re: Am I a bad friend? - August 19th 2009, 05:28 AM

Thank you very much. You pretty much described how I feel. I doubt if my friend would loath me to the point your friend does, but her issue is she never seems to stop trying. I've slipped out of her grasp a few years back and just recently I thought she had changed, but she hadn't, she just got trickier.

She is always so determined to get ahold of me, and I think if I stopped talking to her she'd pull a pity act. I think if anything the ball is in my court, but its just discouraging when you have an argument with her about how she threats you and then three days later you're back in the same boat as before.

I'll let you know if anything changes. I see you live two hours away from me by the way, lol. Thanks for the response, it really does help a lot.
   
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Re: Am I a bad friend? - August 19th 2009, 06:26 AM

You are NOT a bad friend at all, I'm not saying your friend is, but I'm just saying that a friendship should go two ways. It's not fair when one friend is always WORKING in the friendship, and the other just reaps the benifits. Plus, even if she does need to talk to you, she should realize that you can't talk to her ALL of the time. Even though it might be really hard, and might seem like it could damage the friendship, I think you should tell her that you are feeling a little smothered, and unnappriciated. Say something like, "You're such a great friend and I love you, but sometimes I do need to sociliaze with other people, and I don't like how you make me feel guilty for that. I also don't like how you don't let me talk about my problems, because even though they seem like nothing to you, they are important to me." Or something along those lines. Sorry, if I didn't help!
   
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Re: Am I a bad friend? - August 19th 2009, 12:01 PM

Daaaaamn. I know how you feel. I actually just stopped running with two of best freinds because one of them treated me almost exactly like she treats you. He was having some extremely bad family issues and always wanted to be around me. When I told him that I'd like to take a day to just chill by myself, he'd call me a douche, even though we had another realy good freind that he could basicaly live with. When I wanted to go see a freind of mine a ways away whos been my freind for 12 years, he gave me shit. He always had to be right and my opinons and outlooks didn't mean shit. I got tired of him pushin me around, litteraly sometimes he got pissed and would hit me cause he knows that I hate being mean and won't fight back, so I just stopped. Didn't talk to him and stopped seing him. He's furious, making lies about me behind my back but honestly, I couldn't be happyier, although school (today) is gonna be weird as hell. But I think your freind is better than this, and you certainly sound like one hell of a person for stickin through with her. Try explaining to her your situation, even though it sounds like you already did. Try to get her more open around other people, so that she has other people to be with when she needs help. And when your having a problem and need her, explain to her that although her problems may be worse to her, they don't help you out at all, let her know that you need her just as much. But let her know that you are a person, not a servent, and that if she realy valued you as her freind, she would give you some space. Sorry I can't do more to help. Good Luck!


Live every day as if it were your last and then some day you'll be right. ~H.H. "Breaker" Morant

Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today. ~James Dean

Every man dies. Not every man really lives. ~Braveheart

Gather ye rose-buds while ye may;
Old Time is still a-flying;
And this same flower that smiles today,
Tomorrow will be dying.
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Re: Am I a bad friend? - August 19th 2009, 02:43 PM

Im so glad I could help :]
it also seems like shes being possesive over you... maybe what you could TRY to do is say to her "I know that you want me around all the time but you have to understand that I do have other things that need my attention and I cant just drop everything to come to your aid when it suits you" didnt mean for that to sound harsh if it did.. but like you just need to try and tell her that you cant always be there for her 24/7, but that you care for her a lot.
your friend seems to be a lot more stable than mine was, though. She was very insecure, and had a REALLY bad jealously problem, but anyways
Hopefully she wont spazz if you say that.. but you need to try and get the message through to her.

2 hours away eh? haha awesome
but yesyes, let me know if anything else changes :]


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