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alonealways Offline
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Name: Jessica
Gender: Female
Location: Texas

Posts: 230
Blog Entries: 1
Join Date: August 19th 2009

I really need help.. (Super super long..) - September 20th 2009, 09:51 PM

This may be triggering.. I'm not really sure honestly..

Let me start from the very very beginning. Last year my older sister was working at a camp pretty far away from me. She called me up one day and asked me about this guy (let's call him T). She asked if I knew him. I said of course, he had gone to my school since forever ago.. but for some reason I made up this lie that he was really mean to me in 8th grade and I didn't like him much. My sister said he's super sweet and she didn't see what my deal was but he's working with her at camp and he said he knew me. She hung up after a little bit more talking.. and I was very confused. I sat there for a really long time and then texted her knowing she'd only get the text once the weekend started up since she only gets service when going down the hill on her weekend breaks. I told her I was considering working at the camp. (She had been trying to convince me to for forever.)

We worked out the glitches and I went to camp. I still am unsure as to why I went. T and I worked on opposite sides of camp so I rarely ever saw him. The camp is pretty huge and the two sides of camp mean that you only see each other at OVERALL camp get togethers. I still didn't really see him much then either. I went to his side of camp ONCE that year and ended up seeing him at lunch. He came up to me and hugged me (even though we hadn't really ever talked) and instantly started to talk a lot. I still didn't really know him going into that school year.

We were in the same German class together last year and sometimes talked about camp and whether we would be working there together again this next summer. Turns out we both were.. and this year we'd be on the same sides of camp. We went up to a staff weekend halfway through the year together so we could carpool and save money/gas/whatnot. We were hanging in the staff lounge and everybody was having tons of fun.. but me. I wasn't having ANY fun at all because I had a LOT on my mind. T came up to me and smiled at me.. but I was staring off into space. I saw him in the corner of my eye and looked at him. I gave a small little smile and he said, "You don't look like you're having any fun." I told him I had a lot on my mind and looked away. We hadn't really talked but I knew I liked him because he was insanely nice to me whenever we DID talk. I was embarrassed that he had seen me drifting off into my own little safe world. T said, "Want to talk about it?" I said, "No it's fine." and looked down at my hands. T lightly touched my arm and said, "Come on let's go for a walk." he added in that he had night vision jokingly because he knew I didn't.

On the walk we learned a lot about each other. He learned that my parents don't treat me the same as the rest of my family and that I'm clinically depressed. He learned that I have self harmed and that life is really tough for me right now.. I ended up crying a lot that night and he just listened. He talked a little bit to help get me through it .. but we got a lot closer that night and we both knew it. I was putting myself down the next morning in the car ride home about the whole night vision thing... and he said, "You were doing really well last night." trying to get my confidence up.

Our relationship at school was a lot different then too. I started to sit next to him at lunch and we talked really often! I came up one day and I guess I looked upset again. He asked me what was wrong and I said I was completely okay.. but I was totally lying. He knew I was lying and he pulled me aside and we talked. We ended up talking the entire lunch period. We started texting a LOT and sometimes he came over to hang out with me and my older sister. (Like I said, he knew her from camp as well.)

When we got up to camp we both kind of went our separate ways even though we worked REALLY close to each other. I was in a building RIGHT next to the building he worked in. (Keeping in mind it's camp so they're like outdoor buildings.. mine was more of a roof over picnic tables while his was an actual cabin-looking shop.) Well during staff week I started to get really sick from my asthma. My side really hurt (the same side I got pneumonia on in my lung.. it had never fully gone away) and I couldn't breathe much. I ended up in the med lodge (the camp hospital) everyday that week until Thursday..

Tuesday- I was having trouble breathing and I was grabbing my side gasping for air. I was sitting up at the tables while everybody else was at assembly. When T came up he asked what was wrong and then sent me to the med lodge with the medic because he was worried about me and knew I wouldn't say anything. I got back to the cabin late that night but T came in to check to see if I was there yet. We went to the side and started talking. He asked me if I was okay. I told him I went through 2 and a half oxygen tanks and I was fine now. He was EXTREMELY concerned.

Wednesday- I ended up in the med lodge again that afternoon and T found out. He came to the med lodge and sat with me. He asked if I was okay and I was all hooked up to oxygen and couldn't really lie. I ended up calling my parents and asked them if I could go home for a week on medical leave because I wasn't doing well. I wasn't going to go home until the next Tuesday but they would schedule a doctor's appointment with me.

Thursday- I was doing a LOT better. I made it through the entire day with no problems. That night we were at a mock-campfire so we could practice for when the scouts got there. The smoke got into my lungs and I couldn't stop coughing. I told my friend to wait up for me and she turned around and asked if I was okay (this was when we were walking back to the cabins). T heard cause he was walking in front of me to the car because he got a ride with a friend. (Staff week is the only week where cars are permitted because we do a lot of set up and carrying things back and forth wastes time.) T turned around and his friends waited for him in the car. He gave me the breathing scale (since he knew what to do cause he had been in the med lodge so often that week) and ended up getting me in the car with his friends so I wouldn't have to walk. I got out of the car and still couldn't stop coughing. He saw me all pale and my eyes glazing over and got me back in the car and had his friend drive me to the med lodge. I stayed there on oxygen almost all night.

Friday- Again doing fine ALL day long. Mock-stageshow at stables... too much dust... started coughing with other asthmatics. We all got into the car to the med lodge and I passed out on the way from coughing so much. Basically I got to the med lodge, couldn't feel my limbs and was having a very serious asthma attack. T heard from a friend who was in the car at the time that I passed out and was now in the med lodge shaking and in really bad shape. He ran back to the cabins to get his jacket and a flashlight. Then he heard the program director say, "Why do we have to have a helicopter on a Friday?" ..Helicopters are for emergency evacuations only. So T knew I was being medivacced out. He bolted to the med lodge and tried his best to visit me in the hospital after being flown out. He didn't succeed but he tried. He e-mailed me the next morning to make sure I was okay.

After all this we were even more close. We were best friends at this point. He helped me through EVERY little thing and I helped him through everything too. I've seen him cry and he's seen me cry. We are literally best friends according to both him and me.

Well when we got back to school we was acting funny. Kind of ignoring me almost.. it was weird and very awkward. Then I got my schedule changed because of a teacher recommendation and ended up in the same chem class as T. Now T and I are close again. We greet each other with nothing but hugs and hellos and we can never say goodbye without getting a hug from each other.

..It's so strange. Everybody says he likes me and obviously I'm very very attracted to him. He cares about his other friends but he doesn't act quite the same way. He doesn't hug them and stuff... I mean I guess he knows that I've been through a lot. He's talked me out of suicide and self harm before.. so maybe he's just being extra nice because of that?

I'm really confused and lost. ): It's making me miserable because I've e-mailed him before and he's said he only wants to be friends but the way he acts seems to show that he's lying to me. At least that's what everybody else says.

What do you guys think? What's with him ignoring me sometimes but talking to me non stop other times? Does he like me like others say? Or does he just really really care about me?

We've only been friends for about a year and we're already this close.. what does that mean? And why does he keep acting like he needs to ask me something when he's around me?

Please help. I'm sorry this is so long!

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long, super

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