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Need help with a very complicated friend situation... - October 5th 2009, 03:17 AM

(Emma and I were 16 at the time, it was Christian's 18th birthday, and Velma is 14.)

So, me and two other people, Emma and Christian, used to be best friends. We were like the 3 musketeers. Peas in a pod. We had the most fun together, and did everything together. Christian basically introduced Emma and I to everyone we know now. He was the person that held our whole group together.

We had a love/hate relationship, though, and fought a lot. We all were very emotionally unstable, and that's basically why we got along with Christian so well, because he was emotionally unstable as well. But he was the most psychotic one in the group - he would rather have a Chanel bag than feed a starving child, and he told us he wished we would die sometimes.

Then, one day, a girl entered our group - let's call her Velma Uggo Jenkins. Emma and I never really liked Velma, she was a huge attention wh*re, but we got along with her anyway and just made fun of her all the time. She started copying everything me, Emma and Christian did. She copied me and Christian's eating disorders, and our mental instability, and tried so hard to be one of us it was laughable. Christian was deluded and could not see that she was trying to be like one of us. Then her and Christian started talking more and more, and Velma was becoming one of our regular group members.

Then one day, Emma was at the airport on her father's computer talking to us all on MSN. Christian said some inappropriate things and Emma got offended because she was on her fathers computer and her father could see it, so her and Christian got in a fight and they blocked each other. At the same time, I was confronting Velma about basically copying everything we did. Velma is basically the whole reason why we stopped talking. Christian started defending her, so we got in a huge fight and we all blocked each other. We didn't talk for about 2 months (except me and Emma, and Christian and Velma).

After those 2 months, Emma and I really missed Christian. So we decided to get someone to add him to a chat with us, and we literally BEGGED him to talk to us again. He was being very stubborn, and actually invited Velma who started calling us pathetic. Anyway, eventually he unblocked us, but he had changed so much we couldn't even talk to him the same as before.

We talked and were fine for about 2 weeks, and Christian's birthday was coming up. He was afraid of ageing, and didn't want anything to do with his birthday. To cheer him up, Emma decided to make a birthday video for him, with pictures of him. I helped her in finding pictures to use, but we were looking for this one we had seen before of him and decided to just ask him for it. He got quite mad and said we were mocking his appearance and age, which we in all honesty were not, we just wanted to make him a nice birthday present, which we told him. But he continued to say we were mocking him and blocked both of us. We tried to get him to unblock us, but he continued to say we were mocking him, and we even got into the whole Velma thing again...needless to say, we didn't resolve anything.

Emma and I haven't talked to Christian now in four months. We miss him a lot, but we know he has probably changed even more for the worse, and we know he's a bit of a sociopath but he was amazing and we loved him. We are at a loss as of what to do, because we know he is stubborn and will probably never talk to us again. But we want to talk to him. What can we do?
   
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Re: Need help with a very complicated friend situation... - October 5th 2009, 10:43 PM

Hi there,

If you want to talk with Christian again, then you are going to have to talk with him face to face. It sounds like things have gotten really messed up and confused in your friendship right now, and generally instant messaging is not the best way to resolve that kind of thing. Pay him a visit and tell him that you really want to fix your friendship and you would like it if you could both talk about it.

Plan ahead what you want to say to him. Find out what the problems were when he stopped talking to you and what the reasons were for you backing up your side of the argument. It sounds like you just wanted to make him a birthday present and he overreacted. Maybe this was because of the picture you wanted from him? Was it one that he didn't like very much? Just let him know that you really weren't trying to offend him and you were just trying your best to make him a present that would help him not feel so bad about his birthday.

It could be that Christian said those things and blocked you because he was stressed out with other things going on in his life. Perhaps the whole 'aging' thing was really getting to him and he just didn't want to think about his birthday at all. That could be a reason he got upset. He probably feels a lot different now that his birthday is over, and may be calm enough to resolve your past friendship issues.

I think that if you want to be friends with Christian then you are going to have to tolerate Velma as well. I think it is unfair to make him have to choose between friends just because you don't like his other friend very much. I know that having a copy cat in the group is annoying, but give her a chance. Teenage years are all about finding out who you are and maybe she saw something she admired and liked in you and Emma. Once she figures out who she is she will stop trying to copy you. For the moment, it's best to just give her a chance. Who knows? Maybe she actually does feel the same as you and has similar problems in her own life?

If Christian refuses to talk to you face to face, then the next best option is to write everything in a letter. Let him read it for himself and judge whether or not he wants to continue the friendship. If he doesn't want to stay in touch or keep the friendship, then it is probably best to move on. It isn't fair to you that he isn't listening to your side of the story. Try seeing things from his perspective and talking it through. Coming up with some kind of compromise is probably the best option.

I hope that things work out between you and Christian.
All the best and take care.

Nat.


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