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Jessielove Offline
Happily In Love. <3
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Name: Jessie
Age: 26
Gender: Female
Location: Streamwood, IL

Posts: 147
Join Date: January 6th 2009

He doesn't help. - October 10th 2009, 11:07 AM

We've had a lot going on in my wonderful house of...well...crap.

My 4th grade best friend's mother is living with us right now, this lady only uses my parents all the time, but she's having problems and they're letting her live with us till she's okay. Here's the thing, I'm home schooled, I'm with her...every second of every day unless I go out, which I really don't. She's really stressing me out. She's always in the living room watching TV and eating MY food, and by MY food, I mean the food I eat because I'm a picky eater...so I pretty much don't eat anything because she's ate it all. She goes away on the weekends, so she's gone right now.

Anyways, there's been a lot of fighting over her between my parents and me and my sister. My parents don't spend every second of every day with her, we do. She doesn't go looking for a job, cooks all this food we don't eat...and we've told her this, she messes with everything we do, gets bored and comes bugs one of us, and it's just getting hard.

Well, I finally broke. I mean, I don't know why, but we've been talking about her a lot since she left and the fighting and then adding to one of my friends was telling me his problems and then he asked what mine were and I told her...which no one else knows I'm back into my old ways. I texted my best friend after that saying, "Can you do me a favor? Can you tell me you love me as your best friend?" And he finally did after like three hours...then I said, "This may be the last time you get a text from me. I want you to know I love you." I figured right there he'd know something was up and be like, "What's going on Cheese?" He didn't, he said, "It won't be the last." And I asked me to tell me that he loved me...so I'd feel loved right before I killed myself or that maybe it'd save me, but...it didn't. It made things worse.

I mean, luckily, I took a shower at five in the morning and cooled myself down, I still have the thoughts, but yeah. I don't know why, but he just added to the stress and I know he's stressing out, that's why I didn't just tell him I wanna kill myself. He's a college kid, freshmen, in marching band, and trying to stop some other girl from killing herself...and I just don't want to be something else to stress him out...

I just don't feel like I can go to anyone anymore. I go to therapy, but this week was canceled, because she has to take some tests. I mean, I wanna get better, but I don't care anymore. I don't care if I drink, cut, don't eat, snap hairbands still I bleed, have suicidal thoughts, or act on them. I feel worthless and like I have no reason to live anymore. I'm sick of being hurt. I'm sick of caring...


When you fall, don't always expect someone to pick you up. Do it yourself, you're stronger then you think. Brush yourself off and keep your head high.

"She loves me, she loves me not, despite the fact I smell like pot, I write this poem to you Jessie, are you my lady love to be?" -
sphynx

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