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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Soda Offline
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October 14th 2009, 04:42 AM

Let me start off by saying.. My mother and I, we've never had a very good relationship. It starts way back and I feel it needs detailing to really get any sort of proper advice on this. I'll try to stay as unbiased as possible so it doesn't turn into a 'poor, pitiful me' situation.


My mom and I have never had a good relationship. Most of my childhood was spent hiding from my mom's rampages and her flavor of the week's craziness. If she wasn't pulling my hair and dragging me across the room or pinching me until I bruised, I was hiding in my room to keep away from their fighting. It wasn't a very stable childhood, I'll tell you that much.

Her constant fights with her flavor of the weeks often caused us to move since she'd move in with them, lose money to them and then she'd jump to someone else. I never had a stable home or friends to go back to, I guess a lot of my early resentment came from that.

My first step towards becoming completely numb to her was when one of her boyfriends sexually abused me. It's still hard to think about now, and I feel sick just remembering it.. but after it happened, the first thing I did was call the police and my mom. I remember sobbing to her, telling her what he had done and she flat out told me, word for word 'I love him too much to make him leave.'

I was crushed. Devastated. My faith in my mom, the tiny bit of faith I had in her, was completely ruined. How could I trust someone who didn't even care about what had just happened?

Months after, they had a fight, he broke our phone by slamming it on the ground and THAT was apparently her last straw with him. She said 'If you're going to break my things then get the f*** out!' .. I felt like I was worth a whole lot after that, as you can imagine.

From then on, my mom's fascination with her pills seemed to replace her fascination with bad boys. She constantly made up reasons to go to the doctor. I knew she was never as sick as she tried to convince me she was, and I told her every now and then 'Do you think maybe it's all those pills you're taking that's making you worse?' She never bothered to take me seriously and it worried me, but my family explained to me that she had always faked being sick throughout her life to get attention.

These pills made her moods worse. She would pull out chunks of hair dragging me across rooms, she'd beat me until she was exhausted and I got sick of it. I left. I made my cousin let me stay with her and it went well for a few months.

Then, one day, the police show up at her door and my mom is there, demanding me back. I try to tell the police what happened, but since there's no evidence, they try to pass it off as me 'just being that age' and I end up having to go back with my mom.

She drags me off to stay with some distant family friend, acting like she had done nothing wrong. I was the one at fault for everything. I ended up depressed at my new 'home', but my mom stayed her same crazy self.. until she got worse. She was taking more and more pills.

All of these medicines were making her personality even worse and instead of making her imaginary illnesses better, she ended up with terrible stomach problems and severe memory issues. All self inflicted.. and yet she still continues to weasle medicine out of doctors - I don't even know if she really needs them at this point or not.

Anyway.. flash forward to where I am now.. I'm nineteen and my life is absolutely miserable. I have a wonderful boyfriend and amazing friends, but my mom is taking the last of my sanity from me. If she's not yelling at me, she's guilt tripping me for 'stressing her', if she's not doing that, she's yelling at me for money. She's legally 'disabled' now and our only source of income is me.

It's hard supporting two on minimum wage and part-time. I have to pay for all of her medical bills, our food, bills, the car, the insurance.. I'm so tired of supporting her when I know all of her problems are self inflicted. She clings to me like a leech and she's draining me of everything I've got.

After all that she's done and HASN'T done, I just don't feel like all of this trouble is worth it. I don't love her, I don't hate her.. I'm just so tired. I'm so stressed. I want a life of my own, I want to go to school and see what life has to offer but with every penny I have going into barely keeping our heads above water.. I can't save enough to get away.

I don't know what to do. I've spoken to her about this and all she says is 'What do you want ME to do?' I've tried reaching out to her, but she's shut away so tight. There's just no way to reason with her or talk to her normally and I just feel like giving up.

I don't know what kind of advice can be given.. but any would be appreciated. I feel like I'm about to crack under all of this pressure.

I guess this isn't advice worthy..

Last edited by Strider; October 14th 2009 at 09:16 PM. Reason: Merging double post.
   
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Strider Offline
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Re: I can't do this anymore. I don't hate her, but I don't love her. - October 14th 2009, 09:35 PM

Hi there,

Welcome to TeenHelp. I'm glad you decided to reach out for advice on your situation right now. It sounds like things have been very tough for you, and that can be hard to talk about sometimes.

I know you are concerned about a lack of response since you posted your message, but please try to understand that it does take a while to read the messages on this forum and post back if they have advice. On the forums it generally takes longer to get a response then if you used some of TeenHelp's other features, like HelpLINK (which should give you a decent amount of responses within 48 hours) and LiveHelp, which hooks you up with an operator to discuss things on the spot. There is also the Support and Advice section in the Chat Room. Keep in mind that we do want to help you on this site, and that everything is advice-worthy. If you find that you would like to talk about something, feel free to message me at any time.

Now to get to the advice.

There is no reason for you to be supporting your mother right now. I know that she is now 'legally disabled', probably from all of the pills she has been taking, but that does not mean that she is your responsibility. There is no way that you can support yourself and her with a part-time job with minimum wage. I know that you feel obligated to help your mom out, but there is no way you can do it on your salary, and you should not have to support her anyway.

What I suggest you do is quit funding your mom and start encouraging her to research government support payments and finding out what she is eligible for. If she is unable to research this then maybe you could help her out with that, or see if there are other friends and family members of hers that could help her look.

If you are living with your mom right now, then it might be a good time to save up your money, maybe look for a better paying job or work more hours, and find a place of your own. It sounds like your mom is really holding you back from doing the necessary things in your life, and you've got to look after yourself. Maybe if you are unable to find a place right away you could ask to stay with a friend.

How you were treated by your mom was not right at all. She did terrible things and she let her boyfriends do terrible things to you. That is not what a good parent should do. I know she is your mom, but she should not have been allowed to get away with all that she did.

None of what happened was your fault. It sounds like your mom had incredibly bad judgment when making decisions about how she behaved and where you would live. It could also be that her judgment was impaired after all the pills she took. Don't for a second believe that you are less important because of how she handled situations around you and treated you. You are important and you deserve to be treated better by her.

Stand up for yourself and do what you need to do to break the funding for your mom and start taking care of yourself. Sometimes it's good to be a bit selfish, and I think this is one of those times.

Take care, and don't hesitate to message me if you want to talk. Your problems are important, and I'm here to help you any time.

Nat.


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