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ThePunkAlien Offline
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Afraid of going home - November 2nd 2009, 12:17 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

This is probably just a rant. I don't know. I don't know why I'm typing this. But, I'm going home for the weekend this week and I'm really nervous and afraid about it. Partly because I feel that whenever I return home my emotions tend to become increasingly more negative.

The last time I was home, I was really close to committing suicide to. Testing belt buckles for hanging, trying to check if I could do the car exhaust thing. Then I went back to college and have been battling more and different inner demons. Lately I've been giving in more to alcohol and drugs than I usually would. The school year saw me drinking A LOT more, getting high for the first time, smoking for the first time, seeing a therapist for the first time, and almost getting a DWI (with THREE strikes already on my license). I've told my parents none of this. I've kinda also been out of contact with them and they've brought this up a lot. My grades are failing miserably, they don't know how bad.

I can hear it in the way they respond to me though, in my dad's voice that they're worried. It's really uncomfortable and unnerving. Feels like me breaking apart is a burden on them, feel ashamed of it. My greatest fear has always been them looking at me differently, I'm afraid I'll return and that will be the case. This is also the first year I had to deal with a family member's death and unresolved grief due to the loss of my biological parents. I never felt that loss before and now it's all I can think about sometimes. My adoptive Mom and I got into an argument the last time I really spoke to her about it, she even called my biological father nothing more than a sperm donor which threw me into a binge. I'm still reeling from that, because if that's what she thinks about who my father is - what does she think about me? That I'm just some washed up trash stray they took in that can't take care of himself no matter how hard he tries?

I feel like they're the only ones who can truly help save me from whatever road I'm going down. But, I can't turn to them because they just make me feel worse about it. So, what am I supposed to do? Maybe they can sense that. Maybe that's why there's these uncomfortable silences and distance at times. I don't know.

All I know is that I'm going back for a weekend at the end of this week and I have no idea how it's going to turn out. Maybe, in a sense, I ran away from home to try to clear up my problems and they've only gotten worse. Maybe they'll see that. Maybe that will make things worse. I've dreaded going back for a long time, I've never told them this. But, felt like I might finally be ready by this point... but, now that it's getting closer. I have no idea. I don't even know who I am anymore. Their son or the garbage stray. And maybe all those reminders will come back together there, can I handle that? I really don't know because the last time I was in my room I thought and planned to kill myself. Maybe that's part of the reason I'm afraid of going back there. I'm just- I feel lost, this was a rant.

Last edited by Strider; November 2nd 2009 at 09:42 PM. Reason: Adding a 'Triggering' prefix.
   
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Re: Afraid of going home - November 10th 2009, 10:26 PM

Are you ok now? You know if you want you can feel free to pm me.
   
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