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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
LucyLouWho Offline
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He used to be my best friend. Now he hates me. - January 7th 2009, 02:14 AM

And I have no clue what I did wrong.

He's my cousin. We've been best friends ever since we were in diapers and crawling. That is, until lately.

Here's where it all began:

His younger sister, who also used to be my best friend (probably even closer than him), was going through a really rough time a couple of years ago and she did some things that caused her to end up in juvy. For awhile after that, my aunt and uncle (their parents) blamed it on me and said that I was a bad influence on her and it's my fault that she did those things because she, otherwise, would have never did anything wrong. (She stole cars, took a knife to school, and was really into SH and she also had an ED.) There were underlying causes that I knew about, but as far as I know, it wasn't anything that I'd done. She was going through things that were really hurting her. Eventually, after I showed their family that I was trying to show her the right way to do things and just be a good role model for her, all fo that went away. Her mother now loves me and always reminds me to write to my cousin in juvy. I'm thinking that one of the reason that my other cousin (the guy) doesn't like me anymore is because of all of that.

Also, he has a girlfriend. They've been together on and off for almost a year. She was also a very good friend of mine, his girlfriend. We'd always hang out. She'd stay over and we'd just laugh and have completely innocent fun.

Eventually, my cousin told her to stop hanging out with me. He, apparently, doesn't trust me or Matt around her. I don't understand why. She has to have his permission to do everything, though. There was a time when we were going to her house to pick her up, but my cousin didn't want Matt driving her. We went to pick her up anyway and it was supposed to be a big secret from him. He found out and got really mad. (It was so stupid. He has such stupid reasons for eveything.) He's controlling her.

Okay, so I decide that I need to talk to her and tell her to have a mind of her own and not let him control her every move. She has to let him know when she goes somewhere, who she's with, where she's going, why she's going, when she'll be home, etc. Here's an example: We were at the bowling alley the other night and she and I decided that we wanted to go play air hockey. She had to take him aside, talk to him about the game of air hockey that we were about to play, which took about three minutes of talking. On the way to the arcade, she decided that she had to go the the restroom, so we went there first. Well, when we came out, there he was, at the door waiting for us to come out of the bathroom. He said, "This doesn't look like air hockey." And I guess you know the rest.

It's just really frustrating. My friend says that he's not like that when Matt and I aren't around. What's wrong with me? Why is he doing this?


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January 7th 2009, 02:45 AM

We all want someone to blame don't we? I mean when things go wrong in our families we never want to say "It's my fault, it's our problem". I assume this is the way it was with your cousin's family.

They are looking for someone... anyone... to blame for what happened with your cousin in Juvi. It's hard for them to admit they may have made a mistake. It's hard for them to admit they may have missed warning signs. Even so they need someone to blame. For some reason... that person became you. I couldn't tell you why but you don't seem to think they could have any reason. It's very possible that they don't have a good reason other than you being a convenient person to blame. You obviously weren't at fault and your Aunt realizes that now.

However, the damage has probably already been done with your cousin. The comments his parents made before probably sparked the attitude he's giving you now. He's probably extremely angry about what is going on with his sister and he needs someone to blame. It's projection at it's finest. In other words he's taking anger and blame he feels toward unsafe targets (maybe his parents) and placing it in you a safer target. There may also be some family problem contributing to your cousin's anger. It certainly sounds like there is some sort of underlying domestic problem here.

I think this is far bigger than an issue with you. I don't think there is much you can do because this isn't your fault. Perhaps you could talk to your aunt and she could talk to her son. Maybe hearing his Mother say it's not your fault and you're not a bad influence will help. However, he might be dead set on blaming you. It sucks but I think your best bet might be to try and and let it go. As long as he's not always like that with his girlfriend... I don't think he's being too terribly overprotective. He probably really (though incorrectly) thinks that he needs to protect her from you. I can't imagine how tough that must be... but he's probably just trying to keep her safe. If you ever hear him of acting like that all the time (instead of just with you like you said) you may want to talk to his girlfriend... overprotective can turn into abusive far too easily.
   
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Re: He used to be my best friend. Now he hates me. - January 7th 2009, 03:10 PM

He's like that pretty much all the time, it just gets to be a bit more when they're out and about or there are people around that he doesn't completely trust. I've talked to her. She says he's getting better about it, but it doesn't look that way. But that's how it is in our family. They guys are their wives "bosses". I don't know why it's that way, but that's just how it is. That's how his dad is. I guess there's nothing I can do but move on. He's not going to let she and I be friends, so I guess it's done. We still talk (his girlfriend and I) on Myspace and stuff, but it's not the same. And I think that the only reason we talk on Myspace and on the phone is because he doesn't know about it. If he knew, he'd give her hell about it. He'd do like he's done before and start talking to his ex girlfriend again just to get back at her.


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Jamie Offline
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Re: He used to be my best friend. Now he hates me. - January 7th 2009, 03:15 PM

I'd try and keep her friendship up with her regardless of what he thinks really. I'd tell this hgirl that if he gives her hell over just talking to you then I don't mean to be harsh to your cousin, he probably doesn't deserve her. I'd also try to talk to your cousin and ask why he's being like this with you (even if you already know) and put it across from your point of view and also point out that nothing bad has happened to his girlfriend because of you two and he should work with you to work something out that suits all of you.
   
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LucyLouWho Offline
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January 7th 2009, 03:56 PM

I've talked to my friend about this and so have all of her other friends. She KNOWS that he's wrong for treating her how he does, but she loves him. Not only that, but they just recently discovered that she's pregnant. And no, that's not why he's being so protective. He's been protective and, dare I say, controlling of her ever since I can remember, so it's definitely not that. I could totally understand him being protective since she's carrying his baby, but it's been going on since a month or two after they started dating almost a year ago.

I don't know if I can really talk to him, because I've done that before too. When his girlfriend isn't around, he'll talk to me, joke around with me, or just hang out like we used to. But the moment that his girlfriend is there, he gets quiet and just watches us, listens to what we're talking about, or if he doesn't actually hear us talking, every now and then he'll look at her with this certain look that he gives her which is him basically asking her what we're saying or what we're talking about, so she has to tell him. It's really frustrating.

I sent an email to his girlfriend today letting her know that I care about both of them so much and that I'm here to support their relationship, not go against it. I let her know that I think they're great together and that they make a fantastic couple. Apparently she read him the email and he called me and apologized for everything. So we're getting along again and we're all planning on hanging out sometime this week. I'm so happy. :]

Thank you so much.
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Last edited by Lizzie; January 8th 2009 at 07:39 PM. Reason: Merge
   
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Jamie Offline
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Re: He used to be my best friend. Now he hates me. - January 8th 2009, 07:38 PM

I'm glad things are sorted now Chelsey.

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