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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Lurk Offline
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Crappy son, reporting in... - November 24th 2009, 07:43 AM

I apologize for cluttering this forum with my whines. Anyway, my mom's a good person, who I am perpetually disappointing in terms of our relationship. She complains fairly often that I don't spend enough time with her, and that I never seem to make time to talk with her. These are entirely valid, if unproductively frequent, complaints. Often, this leads to long unpleasant arguments from which both participants leave feeling terrible. To be honest, I often do not enjoy her company; she's usually very tired and dour, or full of unbearable enthusiasm. I know I should spend more time with her, but I do always seem to put it off.

The solution isn't as simple as "stop being a wuss and spend more time with her." I care about her a lot, and she's very attached to me; her affection is killing us both. For me, it's a huge weight; for her, it's a harmful attraction to a crappy son who will only frustrate and sadden her. I've pointed out that her wanting to spend time with someone who makes her sad makes no sense; she says that we do have some positive interactions, which is true, but they're much less frequent. I just want her to stop caring so much about me, which would, I think, make her much happier.

Not really sure what I'm expecting, but if nothing else, thanks for letting me get this off my chest.
   
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Re: Crappy son, reporting in... - November 24th 2009, 09:38 AM

If you're feeling really uncomfortable/uneasy about spending more time with her... perhaps talk to her about needing your space? Helping find her a *distraction* of sorts might help as she'll have something else to focus on.

At the end of the day though, she is your mother and she's always going to put you before all else. She really does seem to care for you. Spare her a little of your time - that way, you are both appeased.

I'm sorry if I haven't been much of a help. I'm a PM away if you ever need to talk about it.


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Re: Crappy son, reporting in... - November 29th 2009, 01:25 AM

thats how i am to my mum, i mean we used to be really close but now i dont even talk to her, i avoid jokes with her and stuff like that. i know she gets hurt by it but she deserves it for all the stuff shes done.

i'll probably continue to be like this until i move out then wont talk to her

its just the way it is.
   
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Re: Crappy son, reporting in... - November 29th 2009, 01:41 AM

If that's the way it is then that's the way it is? What do you want us to help you with if you've made your decision?


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Re: Crappy son, reporting in... - November 29th 2009, 02:21 AM

im not OP
   
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Re: Crappy son, reporting in... - November 29th 2009, 02:35 AM

Sorry, not terribly clear. I'm trying to figure out how I can make her less attached to me; a simple "not possible, gtfo" would suffice too.
   
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Re: Crappy son, reporting in... - November 29th 2009, 04:08 AM

You can sit down and have a conversation with her. You have to be adult about it now since you're growing away from your mom. Talk to her about how you feel and she might surprize you.


Geek? Nerd? More like intellectual badass.

"You ran through Africa, and Asia, and Indonesia.. And now I've found you, and I love you. I want to know your name."
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Re: Crappy son, reporting in... - November 29th 2009, 02:07 PM

I think you need to suck it up and spend a day with your mum. Deal with what she throws at you like an adult. Sometimes it's not about how you feel.
   
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Re: Crappy son, reporting in... - November 29th 2009, 09:30 PM

Holy - thanks, will give that another try.

Mistake - sorry, looks like I'm still being too vague - the point isn't me, it's that she cares about me more than is healthy and I'm leaving home soon to go pretty far away.
   
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Re: Crappy son, reporting in... - December 4th 2009, 04:52 PM

Okay, so let me get this straight. You're saying that you are concerned for her happiness because she cares too much for you and you're just a crappy son who will continue to disappoint her thereby causing her more sorrow and pain?

I'm no expert, but that makes absolutely no sense. I will give you credit on this point -- if she's looking for companionship, she needs to find a group of ladies or maybe a boyfriend/husband with whom she can have it. Why? Two reasons -- 1. You've demonstrated that you're not mature enough to handle an adult-to-adult relationship. 2. You're totally consumed with yourself. You want her to be happy? Why? Because you don't want to feel responsible for her being miserable? I'm not saying you would be responsible but that you would FEEL responsible. Then you throw out this false humilty talking about how crappy you are and how you will only frustrate her more. You see the focus? It's all on you.

Did you come here looking for someone to say, "You're not a crappy son. You care for your mom so much. You just don't know how to express it"?

I don't believe that is what you need. What you need is to realize that God has placed you under your mother's authority and care. Until the time that you are out on your own using your own resources, you are to submit to her leadership and honor her. You do her a great DISHONOR when you say what a crappy son you are. How is that? A child is often a reflection of the parent. Not always, but often. So you are telling all of us that it is your mother's desire to be affectionate and caring that is killing your relationship? I think, my friend, that it is your self-centered focus that is causing you to shift the blame to any and everyone other than yourself. You should not find your happiness/joy in your mother's emotional state. You should do right in every circumstance, honor your mother, obey your mother, and be a good citizen and I guarantee you that you'll see her emotional state improve.

By the way, I would love to take you through the Gospel. If you will allow it, send me a PM. I'm sorry if I came across as being harsh, but you don't cure false humility with inflated praise. You cure it with reality.
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Re: Crappy son, reporting in... - December 6th 2009, 03:46 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lurk View Post
I apologize for cluttering this forum with my whines. Anyway, my mom's a good person, who I am perpetually disappointing in terms of our relationship. She complains fairly often that I don't spend enough time with her, and that I never seem to make time to talk with her. These are entirely valid, if unproductively frequent, complaints. Often, this leads to long unpleasant arguments from which both participants leave feeling terrible. To be honest, I often do not enjoy her company; she's usually very tired and dour, or full of unbearable enthusiasm. I know I should spend more time with her, but I do always seem to put it off.

The solution isn't as simple as "stop being a wuss and spend more time with her." I care about her a lot, and she's very attached to me; her affection is killing us both. For me, it's a huge weight; for her, it's a harmful attraction to a crappy son who will only frustrate and sadden her. I've pointed out that her wanting to spend time with someone who makes her sad makes no sense; she says that we do have some positive interactions, which is true, but they're much less frequent. I just want her to stop caring so much about me, which would, I think, make her much happier.

Not really sure what I'm expecting, but if nothing else, thanks for letting me get this off my chest.
It's great that your mom really cares about you. Spend some time with her. Teenagers typically enjoy spending time with there family even though that's something no one ever expresses.
   
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