TeenHelp
Support Forums Today's Posts

Get Advice Connect with TeenHelp Resources
HelpLINK Facebook     Twitter     Tumblr     Instagram    Hotlines    Safety Zone    Alternatives

You are not registered or have not logged in

Hello guest! (Not a guest? Log in above!)

As a guest on TeenHelp you are only able to use some of our site's features. By registering an account you will be able to enjoy unlimited access to our site, and will be able to:

  • Connect with thousands of teenagers worldwide by actively taking part in our Support Forums and Chat Room.
  • Find others with similar interests in our Social Groups.
  • Express yourself through our Blogs, Picture Albums and User Profiles.
  • And much much more!

Signing up is free, anonymous and will only take a few moments, so click here to register now!


Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
  (#1 (permalink)) Old
someday75 Offline
Member
Welcome me, I'm new!
*
 
someday75's Avatar
 
Age: 27

Posts: 5
Join Date: October 18th 2009

Unhappy friendship advice?!! long vent - December 8th 2009, 06:38 AM

hey guys, okay--so i really need advice. unfortunately, a LOT of background info is necessary to understand all of this, so i have a lot to explain...

zoe has been one of my close friends for years. she's the only friend i've stayed in touch with from before high school, and her presence in my life as meant a lot to me over the years. i consider her little sisters my little sisters--i even babysit for the youngest occasionally--and i've always felt so comfortable and at home with her and her family. i was never technically allowed to call zoe my best friend--her best friend has always been laura, another girl who i considered one of my closest friends all through elementary and middle school. but, zoe and i went to high school together, and laura went to a different school, so freshman year i spent a lot of time with zoe, and little time with laura. anyways, i'm not exactly shy, but i'm not great at making new friends either--so, i sort of latched myself on to zoe that year. nothing seemed wrong though, seeing as she called me all the time to hang out, and we always got along.

sophomore year was awful for me. zoe became really close with eloise, another girl in my class. she stopped returning my calls, and spent every weekend with eloise. i felt like i'd lost a best friend, and didn't really have other friends to hang out with--although everything seemed okay to everyone else because i had a large group of friends at school, and even still hung out with zoe there. if it weren't for my other best friend, jenna, who has no relationship with any of my friends but me--i don't know what i would've done. i figured the whole thing would work itself out, so i never said anything to zoe. i also HATE confrontation and have never confronted anyone in my life, so i decided to keep quiet.

although zoe and i had grown apart somewhat, i still considered her a good friend of mine. anyways, while i was babysitting for her little sister the summer before junior year, i saw that she had left her facebook open...and curiosity got the best of me and i clicked on her "inbox". i saw that she had been sending mean messages about me to eloise and laura (my friend from middle school and zoe's best friend) behind my back. she called me "an annoyance", "clingy", etc time and time again. i was shocked and hurt, but i decided to let the messages go. i sort of blamed eloise for influencing zoe (eloise is completely conniving, mean, manipulative, etc) and i decided to pretend nothing had happened. i just distanced myself a little more from zoe, and focused on other friendships instead.

alright. NOW....junior year. i ended up becoming closer with other girls outside of my "main" group of friends (which included zoe, and to the rest of my group's dissatisfaction, eloise) and i spent less time with these girls on the weekends. i became especially close with katie, and i now consider her one of my two best friends. i thought that, because i had distanced myself from zoe, our relationship was more healthy and she seemed less annoyed by me. we still drove to school together, and hung out occasionally, but not every weekend like we did freshman year. i genuinely thought things had improved immensely by the start of this year (senior year)

this year, everything seemed great between zoe and i. we have been spending time together outside of school every so often, talked a lot about personal problems--and i thought--we had grown closer. not best friends like prior to sophomore year, but just....closer. i just found out this weekend that i was apparently entirely wrong.

friday night i babysat for zoe's little sister while her family was out. once AGAIN, her facebook was left open on her computer when i went to use it. i really just wondered...especially because of what happened last time i saw her inbox, and i did open her inbox again. i was UTTERLY SHOCKED to find the MEANEST message zoe had sent yet, with my name as the subject, only a month ago. it featured an obviously ugly picture of me, with the caption, "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA show this to jack" (jack is a boy i sort of just started hanging out with, who is also--oddly enough--eloise's cousin). i almost cried on the spot. i went through more messages between zoe and eloise, and zoe and laura, and saw that i still frequently pop up in zoe's messages. there were messages talking of "putting me in my place" because i "thought i had a better social life than zoe with my new friends" and "let's experiment by putting pics of us up to see if she feels left out" and "let's do this to make her jealous" etc etc etc

needless to say, i went home and cried myself to sleep. i found out these messages had started before she was close friends with eloise, and that laura (my other old best friend from middle school) had always been involved in them. i felt betrayed, hurt, confused, and depressed--i truly spent the weekend mourning the loss of a friend. it sounds strange to care so much about someone who would hurt me so badly....but i can't imagine not being friends with her. however, i also know i absolutely cannot go on pretending that we're friends and everything's fine. i can't look at her in the same way.

i've talked to two of my close friends in that group at school--one took my side, the other refused to take a side. i wanted to see what they would say before i talked to zoe...and now i don't know if i want to talk to her at all. i doubt either would ever confront zoe with me, or stand up for me, due to their shy and non-confrontational natures. i don't want to make a fool of myself by telling zoe i know everything...and not having backup. however, i don't think it's fair that she gets away with this. she's loved by everyone in the school....and now, i hate that. she's actually horribly mean, awful, and untrustworthy. while i want everyone to know...i'm also scared to talk to her.

so...what should i do? should i just completely distance myself from her, and not say anything? or should i talk to her and tell her i know everything, and how much she hurt my feelings? my one worry with this is the fact that i did invade her privacy to find this out...and i know she'll be angry about this. i've spent the last 3 days completely upset about the whole thing...crying on and off and feeling miserable. i know i shouldn't let it get to me...but it just has. i've known zoe for 10 years....i don't understand why she would do this. i swear i'm not lying when i say i've done NOTHING to hurt her. up until friday, i cared about her deeply. now...i don't know anymore.

i just really need help and advice. thanks to anyone who read this whole thing. thank you, a lot...i mean it.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Lotus Eater Offline
You are not alone.
Experienced TeenHelper
******
 
Lotus Eater's Avatar
 
Age: 27
Gender: Female
Location: Under The Sea

Posts: 561
Join Date: November 24th 2009

Re: friendship advice?!! long vent - December 8th 2009, 07:21 AM

Hey. I'd just like to say that what Zoe has done to you is horrible and nobody should have to go through something so hurtful. Unfortunately.. it happens :/

You may be right about Eloise being a bad influence.. but if Zoe really was as good a friend as she'd once been.. she wouldn't have said those things. It does sound to me though.. like she's a little stung that you've seemed to move on to other friendships. Why else would she pick on the fact that you've gotten to closer to others? The fact that she wanted to put up pictures with others just to make you jealous just proves this. She just wants to get a rise out of you... so maybe she misses the way you guys used to be. It isn't right of her to (excuse the swearing) b*&ch about you behind your back... I don't understand why she'd say such cruel things if she genuinely seemed to have enjoyed spending time with you. After all, you guys hung out a fair bit so she couldn't have thought ill of you then. I think she's just caught up in this new friendship with Eloise and is simply saying these things to fit in with her? People do that sometimes.. they say cruel things about others just to fit in with a certain group. That group usually isn't a good influence on them.. but they don't see that.
I’m not sure if you should confront her about it. Like you said, you did invade her privacy and she is going to pick on that fact to keep her own reputation in tact. I understand why you may want her to pay… but perhaps it would be in your best interests to let it go for now. You should tell your friends about it though… so they understand and see things from your side. And.. back to Zoe.. you should talk to her about it sometime. Just remember that you haven’t done anything wrong! It’s her fault for going on about you behind your back. She shouldn’t have said such things about you to begin with. It’s not what friends do. It’s going to be hard but the best thing for you to do would be to “avoid” her from now on. Don’t do it openly.. but that way she won’t have reason to say much more about you. The way I see it.. it’s her loss for losing a friend who cares so much :/


You have me.
Until every last star in the galaxy dies.
You have me.

- Amie Kaufman



NEED TO VENT? CLICK HERE.
Never forget, you are not alone. ♥
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
someday75 Offline
Member
Welcome me, I'm new!
*
 
someday75's Avatar
 
Age: 27

Posts: 5
Join Date: October 18th 2009

Re: friendship advice?!! long vent - December 8th 2009, 11:51 PM

thanks so much for the support and advice. it really helps to hear from someone that i didn't do anything wrong...because i do find myself doubting that occasionally. i've been trying to gradually distance myself from zoe...i usually carpool with her every day (i don't have my own car) but i've started riding with my best friend instead. it's a little hard for me to let it go---just considering everything--but i see how that could be the best way to go right now. i think i will try to talk to zoe eventually (hopefully before we graduate) so that there's a chance of repairing our friendship. i'm still confused as to why all of this happened, but it's gotten better over the last couple days as i realize i don't absolutely need her. i'm going to sit more on the talking to her thing....just because i would like to know WHY all of this began, WHY it's continued, and if she cares about me at all. i am worried about telling her i invaded her privacy.....but i still think what she did is much worse. a lot of my close friends have my password because i would NEVER say something mean about any of them behind their backs....so it upsets me that by just glancing at her inbox i saw something immediately (didn't even have to fish for it!)

any advice on how to tell her i'm not planning on carpooling with her anymore (at all)? it really is awful to be around her lately, and i'd just rather spend the 30 min drive with my best friend. also...if i do choose to talk to her eventually...how should i do it? i've never confronted anyone before...so i have no idea.

thanks SO SO SO MUCH
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Lotus Eater Offline
You are not alone.
Experienced TeenHelper
******
 
Lotus Eater's Avatar
 
Age: 27
Gender: Female
Location: Under The Sea

Posts: 561
Join Date: November 24th 2009

Re: friendship advice?!! long vent - December 9th 2009, 08:41 AM

I'm glad you've decided to step away from her for a while. Yes, you should confront her about it someday. After all, she had no reason to say those things about you. It might be the influence of Eloise though... Besides, she must still care about you if she's making it a deal to bring you up so often. I suppose she's feeling left out in her own way.

But, you didn't do anything wrong so it's most definitely not your fault.

As for telling her that you don't want to carpool with her anymore, the best thing to do would be to just tell her. Just tell her calmly that you're going to be grabbing a lift with your best-friend. She really can't say anything to that. You could use an excuse - i.e. we have stuff to catch up on OR it's easier for us both - and make it sound temporary.

About confronting her... that will be tricky to bring up because you did "invade her privacy" to read those messages even you hadn't meant to. After all, her inbox had been open the first time no? But she's going to pick on that. Besides, she shouldn't have said those things about you behind your back as a good friend of yours. If you want to confront her around graduation time, you could ask if you get a lift with her that day because you had something you wanted to talk to her about. And then you could bring it up. Stress that you hadn't meant to 'invade' her privacy but don't dwell on that for too long or she'll start picking on that (as part of her defense). Explain how you felt upon reading those messages and why you felt that way. You should tell her that you hadn't expected her to say something so cruel after all those years you've spent together.

I can't predict what she'll say to that but I can imagine she'll be feeling pretty guilty.

Good luck! Hope this helps again.

And, you don't have to thank me


You have me.
Until every last star in the galaxy dies.
You have me.

- Amie Kaufman



NEED TO VENT? CLICK HERE.
Never forget, you are not alone. ♥
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
Jacksonian Offline
Member
I've been here a while
********
 
Jacksonian's Avatar
 
Name: Jackson
Gender: Male
Location: 3rd Rock from the Sun

Posts: 1,522
Blog Entries: 2
Join Date: November 6th 2009

Re: friendship advice?!! long vent - December 12th 2009, 02:12 AM

Hey, situations like this are painful. Extremely painful. I've ever been in a close situation. But not exactly like this. What your friend Zoe did was wrong. But as you describe her, confronting her would be the wrong move to make. Don't confront her. It is clear that she hasn't been a friend to you as you have been a friend to her all this time. Stay with your friends, don't include them in this battle as their natures are gentle. So is yours. So leave zoe. Don't confront her just let her go. Teenagers can be mean, extremely. Just live your life, it will take time for the pain to pass but it will. Just let her go as she isn't one to be around at the moment.
   
Closed Thread

Bookmarks

Tags
advice, friendship, long, vent

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




All material copyright 1998-2019, TeenHelp.
Terms | Legal | Privacy | Conduct | Complaints

Powered by vBulletin®.
Copyright ©2000-2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search engine optimization by vBSEO.
Theme developed in association with vBStyles.