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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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feeling unwanted - December 26th 2009, 03:08 PM

Sorry it's a bit long!

my family's attitude goes along the lines of - if u can do sumthing on ur own, do it. the rest wont care, and if u were able to do it once, u'll never need help ever again.
there is nothing warm or cozy abt us, we're just human beings living, and supposingly content, or supposed to be.
im not.
use ur head not ur heart, use ur brain, make descisions based on that, ignore ignore ignore emotions.

i hate it. i really really do.

feeling loved i realize a human need, and nothing to be ashamed about, but i feel ashamed that im human in that aspect. i realize i wouldnt look down at some one else feeling the way i do, but coming from me, i just cant seem to live with myself. i see it as pathic, adn i hate it, but i still cant ignore this shameful craving within.

basically when i was a kid, i was cold, and it didnt help when my parents pointed me out as the coldest one of us all.
but im not cold, i care so much abt ppl, i wasnt shown how be warm and affectionate, how did they want it to just drop out from the sky?
i felt squeezed out and like gravity was too strong, i didnt get along with most people, but i still manage to live.

it got worse i think, when i actually learnt wat it meant to be cherished and loved. yes i cried over not having my parent's love (it's there, but it's not .. evident). still there was this kind old lady, adn she actually cared. i was this invisible weird kid, but she cared, adn she saw me and she heard me when i had no voice, and her attention changed me completely.
unfortunately she had to move away.
i dont think that was wat destroyed me, wat destroyed me was that she never looked back.
that she never cared when she left.

i was determined to never fall apart again, i realized i needed somewhat a parent figure, since around that time my dad and me started to disagree on a lot of stuff, and our disagreements would result in months of not talking. my mom and siblings would side with him, since he's my father and i should obey no matter wat. i dont get my siblings since they used to be in the same situation before they moved to uni.
my mom, i kind of understand, she wanted to lessen problems down.
she didnt wat things out of proportion. (which they were)

anyway that's when my 'second mom' comes in. i didnt feel like she would abandon me anytime. wat i said mattered, not everything i said out loud was a subject to criticism or objection. i had my opinions and i had a right to them. i finally felt like i was someone. im telling u, this is strange to link to one person, but really so much improved, i was able to see my parents in a better light, i cared about school, i made more friends, i wasn’t scared or made to feel infroir or insecure all the time. i was a full human being.

unfortunately she too had to move away, which i managed to be more ok with, as long as she was happier, i kept in touch, she didnt make me feel like i was a bother. until recently. for the last 8 months or so, i feel like the largest burden placed on earth. i would honestly try to understand wat might be happening, i ignored the rude remarks, i said it's just a bad day it'll pass.
i dnt think so.
recently she came to the city, adn has been here for a while. i was soo excited, over joyed at seeing her again.
but like i said i've become somewhat of a burden. im not sure wat i've done. i've tried to bring up the topic.
im tried of being forgotten and abandoned.
i hate the way i feel exactly like i did when i was a kid, with not even an ounce of warmth within me.

i dnt no wat to do.
everyone i've ever ever ever believed in has let me down.
and if anyone were to tell me " but there are plenty of others who won't" i jsut simply can not believe them.

i feel so degraded, how can someone just not even want to see me.

this is it, i feel pathic, i no i shouldnt feel like this, but honestly i have NO idea wat to do!!

pls ANYONE, anyone with any advice, please i need to no.


The Darker the NIGHT,
The brighter the dawn.
The longer the darkness lingers,
The more beautiful the light will come.

   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: feeling unwanted - December 26th 2009, 09:07 PM

That's got to be hard not having parents who express anything.
If you were brought up like that, it's hard to learn to feel and express feelings.
Having everyone who cared about you move away must have been terrible.
And I know you don't want to hear that not everyone will let you down or leave.
But it is true.
You may not find that person tomorrow, or in the next year.
But you will one day.
You just need someone to show you they will always care.
There are tons of people on here willing to talk and help and make you feel loved. =)
If you want someone to talk to, I would be happy to reply and be a friend.


(As to the comments you made about your parents, it made me think of a song by Ashley Tisdale called "How do you love someone." I thought I would just paste a few of the lyrics quick."

Momma never taught me how to love
Daddy never taught me how to feel
Momma never taught me how to touch
Daddy never showed me how to heal

Momma never set a good example
Daddy never held momma's hand
Momma found everything hard to handle
Daddy never stood up like a man

I've walked around broken, emotionally frozen
Hanging on, get it wrong

How do you love someone without getting hurt
How do you love someone without crawling in the dark
So far in my life clouds have blocked the sun
How do you love, how do you love someone
How do you love, how do you love someone )

If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me. =)


I'll do whatever it takes to be the mistake you can't live without.
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Jacksonian Offline
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Re: feeling unwanted - December 28th 2009, 04:11 PM

Ok. It is quite clear that it is hard to let go of people you become close to but you also have to understand that those who moved away began a new "phase" in their lives. They too need their lives and they need their space and they will become used to new things and people. You need to live your life and that doesn't mean that you should forget these people, no. But it just means go on with your life.
As for your family, just be a good person. If someone is wrong and you are sure they are wrong then tell them but don't shout or raise your voice or anything that will make them feel bad. Go on with your life.
   
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