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-   -   Ive pushed everyone away. (http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f18-friends-family/t33473-ive-pushed-everyone-away/)

MissMatched January 2nd 2010 01:44 AM

Ive pushed everyone away.
 
Ive lost everyone, and I cant even blame them. I treated them like crap. Massively. My best friend who is only 14, got the worst of it. Man, he shouldnt have to put up with what I put him through, he shouldnt have to worry about that sort of stuff. I would scream and cry at him, saying he didnt want to be my friend anymore and he should just admitt it, I never paid attention to the good things he did for me - I only focused on what I thought were the bad things. He did so well to last as long as he did hanging around me.
I would have these break downs, and if I didnt take it out on my self in the form of self - harm, it meant I was going to take it out on him. I used to think I was thinking straight at the time, that it was what I wanted to do. Then it would be over and I would realise I was being an idiot - but even when I thought I saw it all there was still stuff that I was doing that I didnt notice.
On New Years - I spent midnight crying alone - and its my own fault, my best friend and his family tried to help me and I just got mad and pushed them away, I totally ruined their night. I made out what I was feeling was all their fault and didnt even realise it. There was an epic screaming match because they all finally yelled at me. It was kind of a relief - I mean they were saying to me what I thought they felt was right all along, I was cheering them on to keep yelling at me. I knew I deserved it - maybe thats why I was so horrible to them, I wanted this to happen?
Anyway, Ive lost them all, they've told me not to go back to them. Like I said, I dont blame them. Now Its all so clear to me. Im going to get help - every break down I have is worse than the last, and every time I think it couldnt possibly get any worse and it does.
I mean, they are my best friends. While Im picking myself up Im going to stay away from them, I cant risk hurting them anymore than I have. But can I ever make it up to them? I dont know what to do - maybe I should just move or something? But I kind of want to stick around and in some way show them that I am trying - even if we dont become friends again, I mean Ive been trying, even on New Years I tried to alter my behaviour so none of that would happen but they didnt even notice. I dont know what to do here.

Jacksonian January 3rd 2010 05:52 PM

Re: Ive pushed everyone away.
 
Earn their trust back. And be good friends with those you have hurt.
When an opportunity presents itself, take it.

Tiny_93 January 3rd 2010 06:35 PM

Re: Ive pushed everyone away.
 
I agree with the comment above.Apologise for the mistakes you have made.Earn to be their friend again..

Ryan1 January 3rd 2010 06:44 PM

Re: Ive pushed everyone away.
 
Well you’ve made the first step in admitting your faults now its time to start making it up to the people around you starting with your own family. Once you feel everything is good and running smooth you can then move out side your house and start the healing process with you good buddies.

However it’s extremely important that you do not have another break down on them or for that matter around them, once you’ve started the healing process because it wont be so easy the next time.

Also these things take time so don’t go rushing anything. Let the dust settle for a month or so then reach out to them, don’t come off to strong though that’s not a good way to do it. Perhaps a phone call or maybe show up at the door and sit down with the whole family and apologies.

If you haven’t already considered counseling you may want to look into it. Perhaps there’s something triggering you and its more then just a bad day kind of thing. For some reason people often take offense to that but I don’t mean it in any disrespect.

Anyways with that been said I wish you all the best, Pm me anytime you need anything.

P.s: Welcome to TH.

MissMatched January 11th 2010 09:35 AM

Re: Ive pushed everyone away.
 
Thanks guys. Its so hard, because Im still kind of mad at them. New Years they made me feel like I was a horrible person for something I couldnt control - like they said they think I enjoy being miserable and bringing down everyone around me. I was horrified - and it still hurts. Like, I know that they think they understand and they dont, and thats no ones fault, and I still hurt them - but I would have thought they knew me better than to think I was ok with it all.
Hey maybe I wont even talk to them - Ive been ok without them, and I miss them, but I dont think it will ever be the same, maybe in a few weeks I can try, and if not at least I will be thinking clearly enough to know where I want to go with it.

Thanks again guys. =]


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