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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Get over yourself, Mom. - January 3rd 2010, 02:11 PM

Well, I posted a while ago about my dad, and some of the responses helped me a good bit, so now that I have another problem, I'm hoping you can help me with this one too.

And sorry, this will be a bit lengthy.

My mother is the single most immature adult I know. No matter what happens, somehow it turns around to be someone else's fault and she's the victim. And by someone else's fault, I mean it's usually MY fault, and if it's not my fault, it's my dad's fault, whether it really is or it isn't. For instance, my dad decided this New Years Eve that he didn't want to go where we usually go for dinner anymore. My mother reacted by throwing a day-long misery tantrum, upsetting all three of us plus the dog, just over something as small as that. She claimed that his change of heart was due to him not wanting to do anything nice for her anymore, when it's really because he thinks the restaurant is too expensive, too far, and not good enough to justify going to. It really had nothing to do with her or her feelings.

She's constantly saying things like, "Well how could I be happy? I live here!" I suppose that's meant to hurt me and my dad, but all it really does is annoy the hell out of me. I'd like to say, "Well if you hate it so bad, LEAVE," but if she took that advice, I know I'd regret it when I found myself alone in a house with my insufferable, emotionally abusive father. I know a lot of her resentment is because of my father, but she directs it at me. I'm about 95% sure she suffers from some form of depression, but it's not like I can get her to get help, because she doesn't think she has a problem. She's adamant that it's everyone else.

Yep, she's another one with the victim complex that everyone seems to have nowadays. Ugh.

And the worst part is, she's extremely hypocritical about it all. She likes to point out that I'm "depressed and sad all the time" (when I'm really just unhappy to be forced in a room with the circus act I call my parents) yet she's the one CONSTANTLY crying about how everyone likes to screw her over and do things just to make her sad. She complains that I don't spend any time with my friends, but she doesn't have friends! She had some for a long time, but she's decided that she no longer has anything in common with them, and thus she distanced herself from them (another reason why I believe she is depressed). And she constantly complains that we don't do anything fun around here, but when asked to provide an explanation as to what we could do for fun, she can give none, and only repeats the aforementioned complaint like some kind of parrot. I spend too much time on the computer; she spends just as much or more. I don't go out enough; I go to school five days a week and she works three, spending the rest of her days at home. The list goes on and on.

I feel like I spend a lot of my time counseling her and letting her talk to me because I know she doesn't have anyone else to talk to, especially about my dad. But I'm only 17, and I have a lot of my own burdens to tend to. I don't have time to constantly worry about her emotional issues. But she's a miserable human being, and she has to talk to someone. She claims I need a psychologist, but I'm pretty sure it's obvious who actually needs one, no?

In general, I don't know how to deal with her anymore. It seems like things just get worse and worse every day. I kind of pity her for not being able to see things as they really are, but that doesn't make her any easier to live with. Does anyone have any kind of advice? Do you think she's depressed? It's not like I haven't tried talking to her about it, but she doesn't really understand what it's like from my perspective. Is there anything I can do to make my life a little less stressful in this area?




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I've never been afraid of the wildest fights, not afraid of dying.

I guarantee you'll miss me, 'cause you changed the way you kiss me.
   
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Re: Get over yourself, Mom. - January 3rd 2010, 02:28 PM

Hi Jamie!

I'm sorry things seem really screwed up! Hug.
Things haven't really been going your way have they?

I don't think you nor your mother need a psychologist, being a psycho student myself. What I really think you need, is each other. You're mom maybe throwing tantrums and claiming that no one really loves her and that no one cares about her because she somehow felt neglected as a youngster and she never expressed is then, and she wants to be heard. She may even do that for attention maybe? Mom's tend to be hypocrites, until you point it out to them. My mom refused to listen to what I had to say about her for a long time. Sometimes, you have to scream it out to her,get her to shut up and listen to what you have to say, because deep inside she knows it's true, but can't admit it.
As you mentioned, you too have to carry a load of burden, but, why don't you try just talking to your mom. Get her to talk to you - not just because she has not one else to talk to, but her as your mother, the difference is great if you look at it - and you talk to her too, about your problems, and not just problems, about yourself. Show your concern for her. Show her how you feel about the situation and don't let her talk till you've finished.
More than depression, it seems like she just wants to know that she is loved no matter what! Do things with her, go shopping with her maybe, or take a walk with her, quality time, in other words. Spend more time talking with each other, making jokes, laughing about things. You need to help each other. Try it. Although, it's just a suggestion. (:

Hope things work out!
And please feel free to PM/VM me anytime!
Hug

x


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In a world that she can't rise above.
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Re: Get over yourself, Mom. - January 3rd 2010, 03:56 PM

I really wish I knew the answer to this as well. My mom is exactly the same. I sympathesize greatly with you...


"We will ask nothing. We will demand nothing. We will take." -- May 1968, French Graffiti
   
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Re: Get over yourself, Mom. - January 3rd 2010, 05:25 PM

The thing is, I've tried over and over again to talk to her about it. She will not listen, as she cannot take any criticism of her character. I'm certain she knows what I say is true, but she's determined to keep her insecurities to herself, and she leaves it at that. I do spend time with her, and I do like to try to help her at times, but it wears me thin when all I do is try to sympathize with overly dramatic misery and try to defend myself while trying not to be nasty. It's hard to talk about my problems because most of the time she doesn't understand where I'm coming from and it just causes more hassles.
Thanks for your advice though. I don't mean to seem unappreciative, because I'm certainly not! It's just that I've tried this approach before and it didn't work all that well!

Kyle-- It's rough, huh? I'm kinda glad to know I'm not the only one, all the while I wish everyone had perfect lives!




I've never been afraid of the highest heights or afraid of flying high.
I've never been afraid of the wildest fights, not afraid of dying.

I guarantee you'll miss me, 'cause you changed the way you kiss me.
   
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Re: Get over yourself, Mom. - January 4th 2010, 05:02 PM

Well, its good that you are trying to help her. But it is also true that you can take only a certain amount of this pressure.
What I suggest is this,

- find first off someway of relieving the pressure of you so that you don't reach your breaking point. Like going to a movie or something you like to do. This is specifically for you.

- Secondly, now for your mother. If you have tried to talk to her and she doesn't listen, the only other way is to show it in your actions. Live your life and when she starts blaming you for something you have not done, pay no attention and ignore it. But remember to be there for her when she needs help. Show her compassion. But it is quite clear that something set this off, and it looks like she is about to reach a breaking point also.
So just be there for her but don't let yourself suffer any emotional abuse or receive any blame for something you did not do. When she starts complaining and blaming you yet it is her fault, correct her and show her the fault she committed and leave it at that. Don't take any blame and stand your ground.
But once again remember to help her out and when you see a good opportunity in which she will listen to correction then go for it and talk to her.

PS : Give one more try to talking to her. Approach her gently and ask her if she wants to talk and show her that as much as she says you hurt her, she is also hurting you guys. And ensure her that you want to help her not hurt her.
   
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Re: Get over yourself, Mom. - January 7th 2010, 02:49 AM

I keep trying to talk to her, but it's not helping. She always flips it around to make it seem like I'm the one who does things to her, like she's always the victim in any given situation.

I'm so annoyed right now that I can't see straight. Earlier, I made muffins, just because I felt like it. When I finished, I cleaned up and came upstairs, taking one for myself and leaving the rest on a cooling rack. I didn't bring one up for my mother without really even thinking about it. (It's not like if she made them she would have brought one up for me.)

Anyways, after a few minutes, she yells down the hall, "Did you finish your muffins?"
Me: "Yeaah."
Her: "And you didn't bring one up for me?"
Me: "Um... no?"
Her: "How rude!"
Me: "Er, sorry. They're downstairs, just go get one. And why is it rude? Wasn't trying to be. It's not like you made them and I just grabbed one for myself."
Her: "Tch! Wow!"
Me: "What?"
Her: "You're unbelievable. Next time..." -insert tangent about what she'll do some other time-

Whatever. I probably should have been more thoughtful, but I don't think it should have been a big deal, since she's done the exact same thing to everyone else countless times.

So, it's a few hours later. I had pretty much forgotten about the earlier conversation, assuming it was no big deal. But no, she can't let anything slide. She storms upstairs, ranting and raving out of the blue about how I don't want her to eat my muffins and I have to do everything for myself because I'm a bitch and have a holier-than-thou attitude, etc, etc. She read so much into like 8 words, and I couldn't help but lose my temper back.

Because seriously... all this over... MUFFINS?

There's no talking to this woman. No reasoning. Nothing.

/endrant




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I've never been afraid of the wildest fights, not afraid of dying.

I guarantee you'll miss me, 'cause you changed the way you kiss me.
   
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Re: Get over yourself, Mom. - January 9th 2010, 06:22 PM

Well it seems as if arguing itself is helping the tension. So next time when she begins arguing just apologize, and let it go and live on with your life. If its her who has done the wrong thing, just tell her and leave it be. Arguing doesn't help, it only brings more tension and problems.
   
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Re: Get over yourself, Mom. - January 9th 2010, 06:49 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by roller♥coaster View Post
I keep trying to talk to her, but it's not helping. She always flips it around to make it seem like I'm the one who does things to her, like she's always the victim in any given situation.

I'm so annoyed right now that I can't see straight. Earlier, I made muffins, just because I felt like it. When I finished, I cleaned up and came upstairs, taking one for myself and leaving the rest on a cooling rack. I didn't bring one up for my mother without really even thinking about it. (It's not like if she made them she would have brought one up for me.)

Anyways, after a few minutes, she yells down the hall, "Did you finish your muffins?"
Me: "Yeaah."
Her: "And you didn't bring one up for me?"
Me: "Um... no?"
Her: "How rude!"
Me: "Er, sorry. They're downstairs, just go get one. And why is it rude? Wasn't trying to be. It's not like you made them and I just grabbed one for myself."
Her: "Tch! Wow!"
Me: "What?"
Her: "You're unbelievable. Next time..." -insert tangent about what she'll do some other time-

Whatever. I probably should have been more thoughtful, but I don't think it should have been a big deal, since she's done the exact same thing to everyone else countless times.

So, it's a few hours later. I had pretty much forgotten about the earlier conversation, assuming it was no big deal. But no, she can't let anything slide. She storms upstairs, ranting and raving out of the blue about how I don't want her to eat my muffins and I have to do everything for myself because I'm a bitch and have a holier-than-thou attitude, etc, etc. She read so much into like 8 words, and I couldn't help but lose my temper back.

Because seriously... all this over... MUFFINS?

There's no talking to this woman. No reasoning. Nothing.

/endrant
Okay seriously, we may be cousins because our mothers are like sisters -_- ...my mom uses a small thing as basically a window to insult my terrible (in her eyes) character and personality.

I can't even talk to my mom without her coming off as condescending and angry at me. It gets to the point where I avoid all interaction with her, and then she gets mad when I don't anything with her. Why would I want to be around her if she treats me like shit all the time???

Agh i'm ranting. To cause as little trouble as possible, I just become completely submissive and non-engaging to her. I figure if I am the most obedient son ever, she MIGHT realize that she is the problem, not me. But I know it's a pipe dream...at least I only have 6 more months til college.

cheers


"We will ask nothing. We will demand nothing. We will take." -- May 1968, French Graffiti
   
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