I Really Messed This Up

[Denello525]

I feel like the best way for anyone to get a good idea of what my problem is by giving some back story. Please bear with me because this one is a long one. Any feedback will greatly, greatly be appreciated.

One of my friends has been dating this girl for about a year and a half now. I really did not think anything about this girl at the time they started going out so everyone carried on with their lives. Time went by and everyone left to go to college. She and her boyfriend go to a different school than me, a few hours away. The girl and I started texting, instant messaging, and calling each other to keep in touch because we had become good friends by this time. We were good friends though. Nothing more, nothing less.

A few months before their "one year" anniversary, I started to hear from her that she has been having relationship problems. So I would stay up late into the night and comfort her through the phone. It seemed like their relationship was coming to an end. Around Thanksgiving, they came to my area to visit me and my other friends. We had a party but during that time, I noticed that something was not right with her. I asked her if anything was wrong and she responded with another story of how she was having problems with the relationship. I stayed with her the entire night since her boyfriend was ignoring her. We all stayed at the house the party was at for the night and we fell asleep together on a small couch while watching a movie. We held on to each other all night long.

After that night, I started to feel different towards her. I no longer regarded her as just as friend because I felt that I wanted more. Their relationship was showing no signs of improvement and I felt that I could be there if they break up. There are obvious problems here. I did not want to betray by friend who was dating her because I have morals that I live by. I am no homewrecker and because of that, I would not make a move on her because I respected their relationship. I would get close to her often but I wouldn't do anything that took it too far.

So at this point I am liking this girl that I shouldn't be liking and I know it was wrong. From there on, we would text each other everyday and whenever we would see each other, we would stay together for as long as possible. I was confused, I did not know what to think. I felt like any hopes of not liking her anymore was quickly disappearing because of the hole that I kept digging myself through.

Their relationship improved towards the holidays though. Around this time too, she said that I was her best friend. Now, I was disappointed that I was pushed to the friend zone, and I never directly acknowledge her best friend statement because I wanted to steer clear from there. But I knew I was there but I couldn't help to still feel the way I felt. I kept living a lie that I might one day be that guy. It is hard for me to start liking a girl and it was a long time before her that I felt the feelings that I had towards a girl. Still, that never stopped me from trying to get close to her. A mistake, I know but what could I have done? I am only human, my emotions started to take over.

You might think that all the previous information is the biggest of my problems, but that was just the back story. Here is my actual problem:

She came down to my area to visit for spring break. I was still in school but she was on her break already. She mentioned that she would come to my campus because her and her girl friends were going to a frat party and that we would see each other when she came over. The party was expensive for guys so I just had a party at my dorm with a bunch of other people. Late into the night, I reached the point where I was drunk. I called her to see where she was around this point. I offered for her to walk to my dorm since it was not too far from the frat party but she wanted to stay there. I told her then that I would walk over there to see her. I went to the front of the frat house and I met her but she was drunk too. I assumed that none of her friends were in no condition to drive back so I offered her to crash at my place for the night. She said she would go back inside the party to talk to her friends about it, but she never came back out. I walked back towards the dorm upset and called her to see what happened.

I am normally the most easy going person ever. I am kind, respectful, and an overall gentleman. The alcohol took over though, I was not the same person. I called her on the phone and I started to vent my anger on her. I was upset that we weren't going to see each other and I was concerned because I didn't want her to drive back with her and her friends intoxicated. I somehow made my way to the subject of how I didn't want to be her best friend, I wanted to be more. I never said it directly to her but I gave blatantly obvious hints. She got the picture and she said that she just wanted to be friends. I expected nothing more, but that didn't stop me. I knew that even after this I would still keep liking her so I told her that we cannot talk to each other ever again because of the confusion that would be put on me. She told me that she would not do that and I replied that it is for our own good. She told me that I cannot manipulate her decisions. The alcohol made me act irrational at this point. I yelled at her through the phone and told her to not talk to me ever again. She was done with this. She yelled back "fine" to me and we both hung up on each other. That was two days ago, I have not talked to her since.

I now that I have destroyed something great. The alcohol brought up the feelings that I had but I never wanted to actually say them. I feel like I lost a great friend and I can't stop thinking about it. I don't know what to do from here. It is awkward already, I don't know if I should apologize. Should I try talking to her again? I am already falling out of the feelings that I had towards her. I am just too confused and sad to even make any decisions on what to do from here. Please leave suggestions or comments on this entire situation that I am in because I am so lost right now.

[PSY]

Hey, Denello. First of all, welcome to TeenHelp! =D I'm so glad that you came to this community for support and advice during this difficult time in your life. I hope that some of these responses will help offer insight regarding your problem.

I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to be perfectly honest with yourself when answering it: Can you be "just friends" with this girl? You may be tempted to say "yes", because you're currently falling out of love for her... but what if spending time with her causes you to fall in love again? If those feelings are rekindled, can you push those feelings aside? Only you can know for certain... and if you're uncertain, then you may want to err on the side of caution and say "no".

If you've decided that you can be "just friends" with her (without compromising your morals, without jeopardizing your other friendship, and without causing yourself emotional stress because of secret feelings of love for her), then I'd suggest you call her immediately. The longer you wait, the less of an impact your apology is going to have. Explain that you just want to be friends, and let her take charge of where your friendship goes from there. Let her set the boundaries regarding physical contact, the frequency of your contact, the nature of your conversations, etc.

If being "just friends" is too risky (or impossible), then you may want to go with a short-and-sweet apology. "I'm sorry for yelling at you, and I'm sorry if you were uncomfortable by anything I said the other night". Then move on. Our friendships are constantly changing, because we as individuals are constantly changing. Sometimes, our friendships can't handle those changes, and they need to end entirely. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

I wish you the very best of luck, and feel free to PM me anytime if you want to discuss this further. =) Take care!

[Jacksonian]

What I suggest is that you don't talk to her. I say this because now she knows something she didn't know. It will definitely be awkward around her if you see her. But the key thing here you have to know is that even though you were drunk, what you told her was what is in your heart. You said your emotions took over at some point and that you wanted to stop talking to her. And here it is, you aren't talking to her. I am not saying that you don't have to apologize, that is your choice, but if you do, then apologize through a text and just say you are sorry and leave it at that.