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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Biological Father. - April 6th 2010, 06:42 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I don't know how to even type this. I was just given all this information and i guess i just need to vent and get it all out. I don't know if i should be mad. I don't know if i need to cry some more. Although i have done much of that. Well first off, I'm sure you know that my Dad died in a car accident in March of 2008. I always had a different last name then my brother and sister, but i didn't even think anything of it until recently. My grandma came to stay with us this weekend for Easter, and she told my mom to tell me the truth, because she didn't feel like it was right that she was waiting so long to tell me the truth.

My Mom told me that when she was 16, she got pregnant by this guy. He was very abusive and threatened to kill her, and even stab her in the stomach, (obviously to kill me). I just started crying so hard. I couldn't believe this was actually happening. She told me that She met (the guy i have known as my father my whole life) and i immediately started calling him "daddy". She then told me that i was always his daughter, and that nothing anyone told him would change that. I just can't believe she let me grieve for someone who wasn't even my father. I've known as my grandparents as my BIOLOGICAL grandparents. I can't even make sense of all this in my head... I feel so cheated, lied to and betrayed.

Now i feel so left out, and so confused... My brother and sister have the same dad so now i feel like I'm an outsider. I don't feel like i fit in anymore. I can't deal with this. I just don't know how! For 18 and a half years my Mom lied to me. I asked her so many times why my name was different and she always changed the subject. She said "it was to protect me". She cried to me tonight, and told me to please don't hate her, cause she did this all for me. I hope my real Dad's (its so weird to say that) don't ever find me and try to contact me. I'm looking into getting my last name changed. All this happened tonight and i don't even know.. anything. My girlfriend was here for me throughout all this and I'm so grateful for her and all she's done for me. I know i had ONE DAD, and he's gone now. He died with me basically next to him... i loved him so much.

Sorry its so long and thank you for reading. I had to vent and ask for advice. I didn't think this would be so hard to type out. All this hurts so fucking much. Ugh....




   
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Re: Biological Father. - April 6th 2010, 06:55 AM

aw, hun. i don't really have any advice...but...i'm sorry that this all happened tonight. i'm always here if you ever need to talk!



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Re: Biological Father. - April 6th 2010, 09:30 AM

I'm really sorry Angelina He may have not have been your "real" dad but he cared for you and raised you like his own. You loved him and that's all that matters. I understand how you feel about not fitting in as such but they are still your family, maybe not by blood but love is all that matters in family.

A few months ago this convo come up with my parents and I (I have no idea how/why) and my dad said even if he found out I wasn't his biological daughter he wouldn't care.

Also, imagine if she did tell you when your dad passed away? All the grief with you knowing this would have been even worse to take.

I am sorry it must be a hard thing to come to terms with.


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Re: Biological Father. - April 6th 2010, 09:51 AM

I know you must be very upset with your mum right now. But it does sound like she was trying to protect you. This news is obviously very upsetting to you, but it would have been so much worse when you were younger. I think your mum was placed in a very hard situation, and it sounds like she did the best she could.

And just because you have a different biological dad, doesn't make you any less a part of your family. Your "real" dad is the one who cared for you and raised you and loved you. Your brother and sister are still your real siblings. And your grandparents are still your grandparents. I can't imagine how hard it must be to try and comprehend all this new information, but I hope that when the dust settles, you can see that blood doesn't change who you are or who your family is.




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Re: Biological Father. - April 6th 2010, 04:27 PM

*Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiig hug!*

Reading your story, I felt both sad and relieved. I felt sad because you lost your father in 2008, and because you're struggling with certain aspects of your identity right now (the different last names). That can't be easy to handle. =(

But you know what? I feel relieved, because your mother DIDN'T stay with an abusive man, like so many battered women do. I am so glad that you weren't killed as a baby, infant, or child, and that you are here with us today. I am overjoyed to hear that you had a father - and a GOOD one at that. Sure, he may not have been your biological father... but in my mind, it is the man who plays the role of "father" that is TRULY important in our lives. That other man, frankly, was just a sperm donor. He didn't teach you how to tie your shoelaces, or how to multiply 2x6, or why it's important to be honest and true to yourself at all times.

It can be very hard for parents to know when it's "okay" to tell their children the truth. I know that my friend didn't find out she was adopted until she was 18. She always suspected, because her parents were so old (60's and 70's)... but they thought that telling her at a young age would be too overwhelming. They were afraid that she wouldn't understand that it's OKAY to have parents who aren't biologically related to you... that it doesn't make you any less valuable and lovable to those around you. They didn't want her to compare herself to "whole" families, to children who had a "real" mother and father.

It's easy to look back now, and to say "My mother should have told me sooner"... but you also have to try and see it from her point-of-view. Maybe she kept it a secret, because she didn't want your relationship with your father to be damaged. Maybe she kept it a secret, because she didn't want you to go looking for your biological father/family, when there may be some danger in doing so. Maybe she wanted to spare you the emotional harm, and wait until you were an adult before breaking the news.

I don't blame you for feeling the way that you do... but please, don't allow yourself to hold on to these feelings for the rest of your life. The bottom-line is that you had a wonderful father, and that your mother escaped a dangerous situation. Focus on the positives as best you can. Don't become "the-girl-who-never-knew-her-real-father"... be "the-girl-who-lost-a-beloved-father". =)






   
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Re: Biological Father. - April 6th 2010, 08:20 PM

Thank you guys for your replies.
It's just hard and frustrating to take all this in.
I feel so lost and confused.
And kind of like i don't fit in.




   
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Re: Biological Father. - April 6th 2010, 08:28 PM

You've fit in for the last 18 years and even though you don't have the same Dad, it doesn't mean they aren't family. Two of my siblings don't have the same father, but it hasn't mattered. You loved him as a Dad and ultimately, he was your Dad. My family isn't my biological family but I don't love them any less. When I was told I was adopted, it felt weird and I was a little upset but in the long run, I would've been on the streets had I not been adopted, so I'm thankful.

I can understand where your Mom was coming from, that's a tough call to make. On one hand, she may have thought you were better off knowing but on the other, you deserve to know.
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