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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Algernon Offline
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Angry My mother Is Unappreciative. - April 11th 2010, 05:12 AM

My mom is sick and Is going partially blind. She's doing okay though. But I've taken in my nine year sister and doing everything for her for the past two months. My mom is so rude to me all the time and doesn't appreciate anything I do for her. It's gotten so bad I feel like telling her never to come back to my apartment. My boyfriend supports me fully and now supports my little sister. He doesn't have to do any of this but he does because he's simply amazing. He gets up every morning and takes her, buys things for her, does her hair before bed. She bugs me because she's throwing herself a pity party. I took her to Target and she talked to random people and told them she was going blind! Not one. More like three at least. It was embarressing.

She always asks me to do her hair because she's too lazy to do it. She never takes a shower! She freaking stood in front of my window and laid down on my boyfriends side of the bed with no pants on. Only underwear! A few minutes ago she waved to some guy across the street at a bar from my apartment, too! The hair situation is what started the first fight today. I got mad because I told her that she should do it herself and take a shower! She starts bad mouthing me in my own apartment, rude and all. I get into my car downstairs and she comes out with no teeth in and starts yelling in my apartment complex. I'm embarressed, It's causing problems. I don't our roommates, which are my boyfriends uncle and brother, to move out. I don't want to get kicked out of my apartment.

You guys... How do I hande this?


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Re: My mother Is Unappreciative. - April 11th 2010, 06:04 AM

Your mother sacrificed many things, in order to raise you. That's not something to be taken lightly. HOWEVER, that DOESN'T mean that YOU should have to sacrifice your security, your apartment, and your life for her. If she was mentally ill, and you were in the process of finding other living arrangements for her, that would be one thing... but it sounds like she's just being a crabby, ungrateful old woman. Treat her the same way you would treat any other person who acted this way: either she has to follow YOUR rules while she's living under YOUR roof, or she needs to go live with someone else.





   
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Re: My mother Is Unappreciative. - April 11th 2010, 10:08 PM

Thank you Robin... Actually she didn't sacrifice a lot. I was taken away by CPS. She's never really done anything for me. So I don't have that over my head.

But now she's taken my little sister away. I wish I could go and pick her back up. I don't even think she's had a shower. I'm so worried. I miss her and I want to take care of her. It's killing me. I feel like sneaking over there and getting her =(


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Re: My mother Is Unappreciative. - April 12th 2010, 01:00 AM

All the more reason to NOT feel obligated toward your mother, then. I'm sorry that happened to you, and I'm sorry that your little sister isn't getting the care she needs. =( Have you considered contacting CPS on your sister's behalf? I know it would be a bit of an uphill battle, trying to prove that the older sister is better equipped than the mother... maybe your little sister would be willing to state that you and your boyfriend gave her rides to school, took care of basic nutritional and hygienic needs, etc. better than her mother did? You could get some kind of a trial period, while the social workers inspect your mother's current place of residence and point out what needs to be changed (like living somewhere with a shower). You could also use your mother's disability to your advantage.





   
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Re: My mother Is Unappreciative. - April 12th 2010, 04:43 AM

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All the more reason to NOT feel obligated toward your mother, then. I'm sorry that happened to you, and I'm sorry that your little sister isn't getting the care she needs. =( Have you considered contacting CPS on your sister's behalf? I know it would be a bit of an uphill battle, trying to prove that the older sister is better equipped than the mother... maybe your little sister would be willing to state that you and your boyfriend gave her rides to school, took care of basic nutritional and hygienic needs, etc. better than her mother did? You could get some kind of a trial period, while the social workers inspect your mother's current place of residence and point out what needs to be changed (like living somewhere with a shower). You could also use your mother's disability to your advantage.
She's been taken away too. And I don't know If I could bring myself to that. Thankfully she's coming home tonight. I'm so relieved. I'm tryting to train her to take care of herself. She's already on a routine with us. Oh, and the last part. There's a shower... Just no one bothers to use it My mom gets mad at me because I take like 2 a day.


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Re: My mother Is Unappreciative. - April 13th 2010, 02:41 AM

Honestly, you'll probably be mad at me for saying this but it's simple. 1) Either you stop thinking your mother owes you something and you show her undeserving love. or 2) You confront her.

To me I always try to find what the issue is with me. So in your case I'd be asking, "Why am I so angry with her?" You can say, "Well its this, that, and the other." The truth is however that some where deep in you, you feel as if you're better than your mother and though your overwhelmed you want recognition for what you do. Do I believe you're mother is right? No. I think your mom should be appreciative bout it. However, I believe the anger issue is within you that must be taken care of rather than trying to change everything around you.

I hope you don't take offense, but it's how I view things. We can go on blaming everything around us or we can try to change ourselves instead because that's where the real issue is. Just my 2 cents. Hope things turn out better for you and that she'll be more appreciative. Option 2 isn't bad either just make sure not to do it when you're angry.

Before you respond agitated with me, think about what I am saying, digest it all, and reflect on it and I think you'll understand the truth of the matter. I am on YOUR side, I think your mother should be gracious for what your doing, on the other hand we can't expect things from anyone.
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Re: My mother Is Unappreciative. - April 13th 2010, 04:33 AM

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Honestly, you'll probably be mad at me for saying this but it's simple. 1) Either you stop thinking your mother owes you something and you show her undeserving love. or 2) You confront her.

To me I always try to find what the issue is with me. So in your case I'd be asking, "Why am I so angry with her?" You can say, "Well its this, that, and the other." The truth is however that some where deep in you, you feel as if you're better than your mother and though your overwhelmed you want recognition for what you do. Do I believe you're mother is right? No. I think your mom should be appreciative bout it. However, I believe the anger issue is within you that must be taken care of rather than trying to change everything around you.

I hope you don't take offense, but it's how I view things. We can go on blaming everything around us or we can try to change ourselves instead because that's where the real issue is. Just my 2 cents. Hope things turn out better for you and that she'll be more appreciative. Option 2 isn't bad either just make sure not to do it when you're angry.

Before you respond agitated with me, think about what I am saying, digest it all, and reflect on it and I think you'll understand the truth of the matter. I am on YOUR side, I think your mother should be gracious for what your doing, on the other hand we can't expect things from anyone.

Well Onion, I know you, and that's bible scripture. I'm not sure that you and your mother have ever had problems but we have always had problems. Of course I love her, I didn't say I didn't. But I don't believe she should be treating me like this? She is an ex meth addict for several years and I think this is why she acts crazy. Can you understand that or have any experience with addict parents?


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Re: My mother Is Unappreciative. - April 13th 2010, 06:56 PM

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Well Onion, I know you, and that's bible scripture. I'm not sure that you and your mother have ever had problems but we have always had problems. Of course I love her, I didn't say I didn't. But I don't believe she should be treating me like this? She is an ex meth addict for several years and I think this is why she acts crazy. Can you understand that or have any experience with addict parents?
Not directly but my ex whom I lived with was a meth & narcotic drug addict as well a drug dealer. She treated me like crap. Especially my ex. So I understand where you're coming from but to a limited degree (probably similar to where your boyfriend is). Personally, I am not taking a scriptural approach though it may sound that way. It's just how I view life. I don't know if you were aware at any rate that I am not longer Christian. Yet, I think the truth of the matter is that each of us has things to deal with inside ourselves.

Should your mom be appreciative? Absolutely. Should she be treating you like crap? Absolutely not. Certainly your mother has issues of her own to deal within her own heart, but so do you and I and change starts with us. Not others. It's easier to change ourselves than the world around us. I understand it's difficult, I'm not saying it's easy to do. But it doesn't negate truth. Perhaps you should try talking to your mom about it when you're not angry or flustered with her and just explain your troubles. Tell her you're not shirking away from the problems but your just looking for some help on her part, or even a thank you hear or there would be nice. Personally, I think it's always US that has the issue and not others, but that's my view. If you feel different about it then I suppose being honest is next in line.
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Re: My mother Is Unappreciative. - April 14th 2010, 02:46 AM

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Not directly but my ex whom I lived with was a meth & narcotic drug addict as well a drug dealer. She treated me like crap. Especially my ex. So I understand where you're coming from but to a limited degree (probably similar to where your boyfriend is). Personally, I am not taking a scriptural approach though it may sound that way. It's just how I view life. I don't know if you were aware at any rate that I am not longer Christian. Yet, I think the truth of the matter is that each of us has things to deal with inside ourselves.

Should your mom be appreciative? Absolutely. Should she be treating you like crap? Absolutely not. Certainly your mother has issues of her own to deal within her own heart, but so do you and I and change starts with us. Not others. It's easier to change ourselves than the world around us. I understand it's difficult, I'm not saying it's easy to do. But it doesn't negate truth. Perhaps you should try talking to your mom about it when you're not angry or flustered with her and just explain your troubles. Tell her you're not shirking away from the problems but your just looking for some help on her part, or even a thank you hear or there would be nice. Personally, I think it's always US that has the issue and not others, but that's my view. If you feel different about it then I suppose being honest is next in line.
Honestly, I've been doing that for 18 years. I'm done dude. Don't take it personally but what you just said sounds like the worst information you could give me in this situation

I don't do anything wrong to her.. She has physically and mentally abused me. I've got taken away, she's kept me from the things I want most. She's tripped out on meth and done so really bad things to my sisters and I.

You really don't understand. And actually It's kind of upsetting that you would give me that information. If that happened I could get The fact that you are raising the abuser about the victim is worrying for me on what other info you are giving out Onion.


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Re: My mother Is Unappreciative. - April 14th 2010, 03:36 AM

For all that we disagree on, well, pretty much everything I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. I don't pretend to know you particularly well, but I've seen most of the posts you've made about your childhood, so I have some idea of what growing up for you was like. That you still try to help her after everything is, honestly, quite incredible.

I don't think Michael's advice is entirely wrong, though there's plenty in it I disagree with. I wouldn't say that the issue is always with us, but if we're unhappy with something the onus is on us to figure out what to do about it. In this case, it really just comes down to whether or not you want to continue to deal with having your mother this enmeshed in your life.

Certainly it's your choice of course, but if you're looking for advice then my feeling is...no. You've done far more than your share and given her every opportunity to act responsibly and look after herself and your sister. Selflessness is all well and good, but there comes a point when it just costs you too much. And it's not just you any more; this is also affecting the lives of your boyfriend - who sounds like an angel - and your neighbors. Even if you're willing to put up with her, it's not fair to them. I think you really need to cut her loose, so to speak, and give her a chance to learn the hard way how to survive. She might never learn, of course, and that's always tragic. But if things keep on as they are, all that will change is that she'll drag your life down in to the gutter along with her. You don't owe anyone that, no matter who they are or what they've done for you.

If you want to talk about this more, or even if you just want a friendly face to vent to, I'm often around somewhere, and I practically live on MSN. You yourself reminded me that we're all family here, after all. And I promise not to breathe politics, religion, or fire at you.

I hope things look up for you soon. And at the risk of a little copyright infringement; GBH!


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Re: My mother Is Unappreciative. - April 14th 2010, 03:44 AM

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For all that we disagree on, well, pretty much everything I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. I don't pretend to know you particularly well, but I've seen most of the posts you've made about your childhood, so I have some idea of what growing up for you was like. That you still try to help her after everything is, honestly, quite incredible.

I don't think Michael's advice is entirely wrong, though there's plenty in it I disagree with. I wouldn't say that the issue is always with us, but if we're unhappy with something the onus is on us to figure out what to do about it. In this case, it really just comes down to whether or not you want to continue to deal with having your mother this enmeshed in your life.

Certainly it's your choice of course, but if you're looking for advice then my feeling is...no. You've done far more than your share and given her every opportunity to act responsibly and look after herself and your sister. Selflessness is all well and good, but there comes a point when it just costs you too much. And it's not just you any more; this is also affecting the lives of your boyfriend - who sounds like an angel - and your neighbors. Even if you're willing to put up with her, it's not fair to them. I think you really need to cut her loose, so to speak, and give her a chance to learn the hard way how to survive. She might never learn, of course, and that's always tragic. But if things keep on as they are, all that will change is that she'll drag your life down in to the gutter along with her. You don't owe anyone that, no matter who they are or what they've done for you.

If you want to talk about this more, or even if you just want a friendly face to vent to, I'm often around somewhere, and I practically live on MSN. You yourself reminded me that we're all family here, after all. And I promise not to breathe politics, religion, or fire at you.

I hope things look up for you soon. And at the risk of a little copyright infringement; GBH!
Hey thanks, that's what I needed to hear. I just was on the phone with her and I told her that If she wants to come over she has to call Jonas, my bf. Ans she said she wasn't going too. Guess It's not that important to her.

I'll message you if I need some help or need to vent. Thanks.


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