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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Arrow How much is your family dysfunctional? - April 11th 2010, 05:45 AM

I was wondering what the different forms of dysfunctional families there might be out there and what different variations on that might be.

For me, my family is really messed up.

My Father ran off before I was born, forcing my Mother to give me up for adoption. I've never known them. But, somehow they're still a very active part of my life. As I grow older I'm finding more and more about who my Dad is through just seeing who I am. Though, I still hate the fact that I'm his son and that he left me here to fend for myself. Anger can really go to intense degrees at times. I see my Mom as his 'victim' the one he ran out on. That's one of the reasons I'm really guarded around girls, I'm afraid of hurting them like my Dad hurt my Mom. If we were to ever meet, you can basically guarantee it would go down like Angel and Connor in 'Angel' with me trying to kill him while at the same time needing him.

My adoptive parents are alright, I guess. My Dad reminds me of the father in 'Rebel without a Cause,' he's definitely the one wearing the skirt in the family (not meaning to sound sexist) which is sometimes hard to watch and it seems like my Mom is just getting worse as she gets older. My relationship with my Mom ranges from normal to really strained. Some days she acts normal around me, other days she's constantly yelling at me like I'm such a big disappointment to her. She makes it a point of telling me that too sometimes; not those exact words - but, yeah. It reminds me of the mother and son in 'The Invisible' or 'Ordinary People.' Similarly to 'Ordinary People,' my Dad is completely blind to this constant back and forth struggle that goes on. Plus, she regards my biological father as a "sperm donor" (he's not) which I beyond hate - because it seems like to her all I am is a robot boy to replace the child she could never have. He's still my Dad, just hope she would accept that. I mean sometimes I put him down, angry, but when she does it - it just really hurts and almost seems as though she's saying something negative about me. She's driven me to binge drinking and drugs before just to escape.

Basically:

BIOLOGICAL FATHER: Dead-beat Dad. Bastard, I'm his son - I hate that he left.

BIOLOGICAL MOTHER: His victim, feel sorry for her. Have to become someone to make her sacrifice, sending me away, worth something. I have to become someone to make it all hold purpose.

ADOPTIVE FATHER: Relaxed, over-all cool, which is why it pains me sometimes I see him getting rolled over just because he's too afraid to stand up for himself.

ADOPTIVE MOTHER: Normal and somewhat bi-polar, some days it seems like everything's great on others it seems like I'm a huge disappointment.

My whole family is always looking at me to be this great guy. It's beyond fucking scary. I have to become somebody or I'll let everyone down. If I fail college and have to repeat a course, I won't be upset because of that - I'll be suicidal because I'll have let everyone down. I just, I can't fail. I'm in danger of failing now, hope I can pull it off, and due to this really feel like I want to die a lot often just in case that happens I won't have to live through it. I'm always falling. Sometimes my life is super amazing, other times it fucking sucks because I always hold this burden over my shoulders. A house torn/divided and I'm just trying to find where I belong in an impossible quest because I feel like I'm caught in a game of fucking tug-of-war with adoptive and biological routes ripping me apart.

So, how messed up is your family? Is there even a thing as a non-dysfunctional family?


"Maybe I just like people. Maybe sexuality isn't one thing or the other. Maybe it's just something that's shifting and moving. I just know I'm not thinking man or woman."
- SHAMELESS.

Last edited by ThePunkAlien; April 11th 2010 at 05:54 AM.
   
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Re: How much is your family dysfunctional? - April 11th 2010, 06:04 AM

I just posted something similar, telling how my family is dysfunctional.
So my story...
My mom fell in love with this guy who she then got pregnant with. I don't know if it was before/after my older bro was born that his biological dad died in a car crash. My mom then fell in love with and got married to my dad (I was concieved on the eve of the wedding). My older bro left my family and moved in with my grandmother at 13, and came out as being gay at 14. I was 4, so I wasn't told, or if I was, I didn't know the difference and forgot. When I was 12 (I think) and my little bro was 10 and my little sis 6, my parents got divorced and my mom moved away. My mother refused to take her bipolar medicine and became unstable, which she still is today. This caused her to be argumentative. My parents still love each other, but they won't get back together. Tension has become really high in my family. My dad disapproves of my older bro's homosexuality, as he was raised Catholic, but it didn't rub off on us even though we are Catholic. Me, my bro, and my sis are high A, low A, and low B/C+ students respectively, which puts a big gap in comparisons, and we are all expected highly of by each other and the community. Now I'm just rambling and getting all over the place, so I'll stop... :P

[edit] If you want the run-down that you examplified:

Me: 16 year old, hard to describe myself otherwise except as unusual :P

Mom: Unbalanced bipolar, little relationship with rest of family and can be very unpredictable

Dad: Single father, moderately self-reightous, disapproving of different ideals, lack of support given

Half Dad: I really don't know much about him, except how he died

Half Brother: gay politician, stubborn, also disapproving of different ideals, tries to give support

Sister: annoying little 9 year old. Not much more I can say.

Brother: friendly and funny inside of home, outside he puts up a bravado. Annoying at those times.

And that's just my (almost) immediate family!
So, yeah.... We're pretty dysfunctional...

Last edited by Shattered Angel; April 11th 2010 at 06:21 AM.
   
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Re: How much is your family dysfunctional? - April 11th 2010, 07:16 PM

I believe ALL families are dysfunctional, to a certain extent. =) I mean, everyone has a "horror story" about embarrassing parents, or crazy aunts/uncles, or racist grandparents.

On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being minimally dysfunctional and 10 being maximally dysfunctional, I'd have to give my family a 4. I know that I'm saying a lot of bad things about everyone... but in the grand scheme of things, when I look at this forum and the threads in it, my family doesn't seem all that bad in comparison.

Me: 21-year-old college student, living in an apartment close to my university. Parents were together until I was 13, officially divorced when I was 15, lived with my mom from 13-18, lived with my dad during the academic breaks.

Biological Mom: If I had to describe her in one word, it would be "irresponsible". She's spent half of her life going to various universities, earning various degrees, but she never fully applies herself in the workforce. She could be a full-time teacher, but she's only working 10 hrs/wk because she knows she can live off of my dad's spousal support. When I was living with her, she also used my child support, so that she could work even fewer hours. She used to yell at me about EVERYTHING, and I never yelled back. She also wouldn't answer my questions, if they were triggering/stressed her out, so I never felt like I could depend on her for anything. Thankfully, our relationship began to improve once I moved out on my 18th birthday. We see each other every now and then... we can handle one another in VERY limited doses. I love her, but I don't want to be at ALL like her.

Biological Dad: The one word for my dad would be "workaholic". He can never relax for long, even when he's at home. If he's relaxing, then he expects the people around him to immediately pick up the slack. He used to be pretty chill, until my parents split up. He was sent to Iraq - twice - and when he came back, he started dating women he met online. He kept choosing women that needed "saving", either financially or emotionally. He made the mistake of marrying one a few years ago (bipolar with $100,000+ in debt), but is now in the process of divorcing her. Of course, he HAD to find someone else in the meantime. I don't know what her problem is, but I'm certain she'll slip up sooner or later. My dad has slowly distanced himself from me... I think it's because I've been in a loving relationship for so long, and I have my whole life ahead of me, and he's kind of jealous of that. He's also upset that I CAN relax, and still be okay at the end of the day. I really don't want to lose my relationship with him, but at the rate we're going, that just might happen.

Step-Mom: She'll be out of the picture soon, thank God. I met her in August of 2005, and she was married to my dad just seven months later. She's been spoiled her entire life, but she'll never admit it. She's bipolar, and for the most part, she's medicated, but doesn't take her psychologists' words to heart. She's gone off her meds a few times (too lazy to go get her refill), and it's not a pleasant experience. She tries to win people over with money and other gifts, even though she can't afford it (the credit card companies and her old university are constantly calling for her). To her, appearances are everything. Because she has bipolar disorder, she believes that everyone she knows must also have a mental disorder. She's accused me of being a psychopath (because I don't like children), and she's always insisted that she know what's best for the people around her. She always puts HER family before OUR family, and is highly suggestible. I'm waiting for her to either go to jail for her various financial fiascoes, or to go to jail for killing someone during one of her angry rages, or to kill herself because she can't have the luxurious life she's always wanted.





   
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Re: How much is your family dysfunctional? - April 13th 2010, 10:38 PM

My family is probably at at 1-10... I have a brother, mom, and father (who for some reason aren't divorced).
Mom: My mom is just an attention craver. Even if I'm throwing up or so tired I'm passing out just standing, she will always be more sick and more tired. I'm never as bad off as she is. She always is telling me things abot how my relationship is bad or how my boyfriend is cheating/avoiding me (when he isn't) every time he doesn't want to hang out just because one of her old boyfriends cheated on her. She had a bad relationship with her ex-hubby and now all I hear is her telling me that my boyfriend is going to be abusive when we get married and mistreat me cuz her's did.

Father: I don't like my dad. I think my family would be better off if he wasn't in the picture. If you've ever heard the quote 'anyone can be a father but it takes effort to be a dad' then that makes him anybody. He's on disablility for seizures so all he does is sit around all day and tell me that I'm his problem (literally, he has told me that he wished had something that would make me dissapear like water does for his staring seizurs) and how I can't do anything right. My mom fights with him constantly. I've heard them fight about getting divorced since I was ten but they never have. He's now starting fights with me every time he knows I'm going somewhere so my mom will get mad and not let me go.

Bro: My older brother is like me. I learned everything from him. He tries to help me when I need it too. He's probably the only sane one in my famly.
Sorry that was probably whiny, needed to get it off my chest...
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Re: How much is your family dysfunctional? - April 19th 2010, 02:30 AM

Dad: Had an affair a few years ago, kid came out of it. Trying to be a dad to a kid 100 miles away and here. Goes away to be with said 2yr old for weeks and weekends every few weeks. Doesn't see the problem the rest of his family has with him pissing off to his "other" family. Asked me "how does it affect you that i go to see them (kid and his mum)?" Thinks he's amazing and can have two families. Talks to said kid every night at his bed-time on skype. I can hear him saying baby noises to it. Is convinced that his little kid is better off having a dad that appears every few weeks.

Mum: Never so much as looked at another man, gets blamed for "over-reacting" about him having had an affair and still going to see kid and woman. Talks to me about it. Doesn't want him to keep going to see kid and woman (obviously). Crys very often and isn't really coping.

Brother: At uni, comes home in holidays, argues with parents a bit, seems pretty indifferent, swears at me a bit, goes back to uni

Me: Hate arguments, hear arguments most nights. Have plainly told my dad he should stop going to see his kid, and that our (his ORIGINAL) family is more important and he can't have both. Wish the stupid kid was never born, don't understand why it wasn't aborted/morning after pill etc. Don't think its fair on the kid to have such a shitty dad, and that he would be better off just having one mum by herself. Plenty of kids are fine with no dad. My dad has hinted that he "doesn't know where he'll be in a couple of years". Maybe he's just waiting for me to finish school then he'll leave. And leave my mum with nothing - me and brother at uni, dad gone. Really scared that will happen.

Mum of kid - Manic depressant, parents don't speak to her as they are so disgusted at what she's done. Goes on holiday for over a week leaving her 1/2 year old with my dad, asking him to leave his family for a week just to look after kid. Wanted to get it adopted last year apparently.

Oh its so messed up, and soap-like.
   
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Re: How much is your family dysfunctional? - April 20th 2010, 11:50 PM

My bio mum and bio dad = me, and the worse half of both sometimes I think, put together under one skin. Maybe my mum's been impacted too heavy by my dad's arseonage in my early life... but it's something thats barely MY fault, and I get the impression almost all she does is throw the shit that was thrown at her, at me, eccept it's got no structure and its rabid.

So, what happened? I was born. My dad had no job, lived with his mum, and he was 40 then (WTF??). So because he had no income, he had to get money SOMEHOW... so he'd steal things from around my mum's house. He never spent half a coin on me, or time with me. So OK... that's a frequent story, but then my mum got a divorce and everything got inverted. Suddenly he wanted to have custody over me... apparently, and I think it was just a pretence probably to throw shit at my mum for the divorce she got.

Plot gets real thick with the court orders and gay lawyers (literally). This is hard to believe in... when I first heard it it was fuked up. I didnt grasp all of it and I still dont. So my dad somehow managed to corrupt the lawyers, or maybe the judge. Things got bad... and he won the proceedings... and my mum was given a court order to pay for all the lawyer fees and everything else to do with it. There wasn't enough money... so it meant she'd have to sell her fucking house. She didn't. Instead we fled abroad to Poland (me and my mum had polish citizenship). Some legal bullshit with a document meant that her house could only be repossed if she was handed that document personally. She didnt give her address to anyone, so the document could never reach us, and she kept the house.

BUT... in the meantime during our stay in Poland, my dad payed several visits, and tried to kidnap me and take me back to the UK. This was just after collapse of communism in eastern europe. My mum says she hired some intelligence service to keep an eye on me, apparently it was cheap then, probably because all that communist crap crumbled and the exchange rate between the currencies must have been like 1000 to 1. After 4 or 5 years of him doing his best of efforts to fuck things up for me and my mum, he finally gave up, or lost track of us. That was probably the biggest effort of his life, and bigger than all his life put together. Then we moved around a bit to different countries and things started getting a bit better, slightly more stable at least. No more running, or fear of kidnapping and shit.

Then there's my step-dad, who's chinese and a workaholic and barely gave me fucking room to breathe, expecting me to be like him. Im surprised he didnt put air in a bag and charge me to breathe. He was always round the fucking corner, it's like he's got a motor plugged in his ass. He can have his bad moods... and his good moods, like any normal person and perhaps thats one of his few credits. But when I say he was always round the corner, I mean it. I'd come back from school to face another time table from 4pm to 9 or 10pm, and he had been trying it all the way up to when I was 18. So he was "caring" people would say, but completely failed to see that people aren't machines. If u don't understand something he's explaining to you, he'l fume and set the fukin sun on fire after his 2nd attempt. And my mum can be completely off the fucking handle. She's either feeling, just OK... or fuckin beserk. And it can be over the most stupid shit that she looses it. Not just with me, my step-dad also, or both of us at once, and vice-versa. There's only so much any person can stand, so my step-dad looses it also, and so do I, although I learnt to completely ignore all of it and just not pay attention anymore.

So I had 2 choices... either stay in the house put up with that fkin shooting gallery that it was, or just get the fk out whenever I could. Obviously I chose the 2nd, and it didn't help the situation, but I wasn't around to face it anyway most of the day. Besides, I dont feel guilty for completely dismissing the whole thing as somethin that's got nothing to do with me, 'cos I DID see a pschycologist to get some help. My mum didn't like what she said, then what he said, then another she, so she eventually stopped me from seeing anymore.

So that's it. Ive gone into other things on here, but I dont think Ive ever described my familly background before, which is I think 90% the reason why Im the way I am. Everything starts at home. Perhaps if I was born 20 years earlier and thrown in the same situation Id probably have spent the past 8 years in a straight jacket tied to a wheelchair in a mental institute. Good I got that out. I needed it more than I thought I think.
   
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