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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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We talked...but did she truly listen?? - April 11th 2010, 10:55 AM

My sister and I have been in a silent war of sorts off and on for all our lives. It's gotten really bad in the past few months though. But tonight she and I actually had a conversation. It seems like she may have actually listened, but I won't be able to say for sure just yet. As it turns out, she's been talking bad about me behind my back to the family because she thought I was talking bad about her to my friends behind her back. I told her that I talk to my friends about my depression and the causes of it, and that I actually do try to defend her when I talk about her. Yes, I may be trying less to defend her recently, but I know I've told my friends repeatedly that she works really hard both at school and in her two jobs and that she's really stressed out. I told her that I know that's why she treats me the way she does.

She went into a speech about how her behavior the past few months is her being indifferent. I told her that her version of indifference comes off as pissy and bitchy to the rest of the world, and her acting that way in front of my friends doesn't help her case any. I had a friend over all day today and she said she could feel the tension without my sister and I speaking. Anyway, I told my sister that I spend 99% of my time in my room to try to prevent conflict between us, that I yell at her to get out to keep down tension levels. I told her that her tone of "indifference" truly hurts me and that I unintentionally lash out at her because of it. I apologized for unintentionally hurting her and let her know that I hate hurting people. I told her that I truly wish I could help her but I know I can't. Then I asked her to at least try to use a nicer tone with me because I've been dealing with depression since I was nine. I told her about my suicidal thoughts. She acknowledged that recently I haven't been dealing well with my depression at all and suggested that it might be worth it to talk with a school therapist, even if it were for the 3 possible times until summer, because even that might help me in the slightest. I told her that I haven't really told anyone about my depression because it's such a difficult topic for me.

It was a real conversation. No name-calling. No yelling. Just us talking in calm levels, being honest. Afterwards, I made us hot drinks and we played Life.

Oh, and she told me that our other roommate was pissed with me because she feels I've been bitchy and lazy. So when she got home I apologized to her for coming off as that and let her know that I've been dealing with a lot for a long time and it's been a bit difficult for me recently.

I'm not sure how many times I apologized tonight, but I do know that not once did I ever receive an apology. I'm not really angry, but rahter disappointed. But I also know that I'm the better person for manning up and apologizing when I'm not the only one at fault here...as if I'm all that much at fault anyway.


-B
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R.I.P. my sweet baby boy. I miss you so much more than you could have ever imagined.


"There was a moment in my life when I really wanted to kill myself. And there was one other moment when I was close to that. . . . But even in my most jaded times, I had some hope.-Gerard Way
   
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Re: We talked...but did she truly listen?? - April 11th 2010, 07:24 PM

Hey there. =) First of all, I want to congratulate you on making so much progress with your sister! That is truly amazing, given how tense things were before you had this conversation.

I know that you're disappointed for being the only person who said "I'm sorry"... but some people just aren't as brave as you are, and can't man up to their mistakes. Both of my parents are that way. They won't verbally apologize, but they WILL show that they are sorry through their actions.

Give your sister a chance. She may screw up a couple of times over the next couple of weeks. If/when she does, just gently remind her of the conversation you had, and how wonderful it was to finally connect as two sisters. Tell her that you want to maintain that connection with her, and that you are constantly striving to become a better person for her. Hopefully, she will realize that she, in turn, needs to strive to become a better person for YOU.






   
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Re: We talked...but did she truly listen?? - April 11th 2010, 09:17 PM

Thank you. For everything you said. I was really feeling that I needed some support from someone after this. I really do hope that she remembers and tries. And I know how hard it is for people to apologize...especially when they know they're the ones who need to. Just about everyone I know can't apologize. I just wish she knew how to handle stress a bit better. If she did, she wouldn't lash out at me and make me feel like shit. But she did finally show some maturity in initiating the conversation..even in just recognizing that we needed to talk.


-B
--

R.I.P. my sweet baby boy. I miss you so much more than you could have ever imagined.


"There was a moment in my life when I really wanted to kill myself. And there was one other moment when I was close to that. . . . But even in my most jaded times, I had some hope.-Gerard Way
   
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Re: We talked...but did she truly listen?? - April 12th 2010, 02:37 AM

I agree - you are the better person. And even though you didn't get an apology, the knowledge of how good of a person you are is so much more valuable. You know you were right. And I'm so glad your sister is beginning to show SOME signs of empathy (even though I wish she would show far more). It's definitely a start. Hearing that you guys got the chance to talk things out and communicate effectively just made my day. =] I'm proud of you.


"Life should not be measured by how far we can fall, but how high we can climb."



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  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: We talked...but did she truly listen?? - April 12th 2010, 03:38 AM

Thanks. But she's starting to get on my nerves again. She freaking out because I took the bones from the turkey my grandma made us and boiled off the extra meat that clung to them for a possible art project. She said the smell is making her dizzy and nauseous when she's already tired, cold and starving. She hasn't stopped crying for an hour and a half and all I've done in this time is try to help her. I've offered to make her food. I've offered to go get food. I lent her my blanket. I even helped her with her homework earlier today....which I apparently did wrong even though I was following her instructions. I'm so tired of this. This is how I generally treat her on a daily basis and she's only ever treated me horribly. I don't know how to change that. I've tried talking to her again just now and she's not listening. She shoots down all my suggestions. I'm so far beyond frustrated.


-B
--

R.I.P. my sweet baby boy. I miss you so much more than you could have ever imagined.


"There was a moment in my life when I really wanted to kill myself. And there was one other moment when I was close to that. . . . But even in my most jaded times, I had some hope.-Gerard Way
   
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