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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
CookieCrumbs Offline
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I feel like my life is falling apart, and she isn't helping! - April 11th 2010, 05:42 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I don't really expect anyone to read all of this, i just have to get it out of my head. Since i don't really have anyone i can talk to about it.
I'm not for sure that i put this thread in the right place. It could go in self harm, suicide, vent, or grief. who knows

I am home schooled because my parents want to keep me "safe" and "protect me". I really appreciate that my mom cares about me enough to be so picky about who and what i am exposed to, but for the past year that means that i haven't been doing anything.
Because I'm home schooled, we would always sign up for tons of activities for socialization. Whether it be with the local home school group, or activities held at public high schools that where open to the public. We were always doing something. Especially last year. We were running in and out all year long.
My parents aren't keeping me locked in the closet or anything. My music teachers moved, and my choir director just dropped the lessons. So that was three days a week of music lessons that i don't have now, along with pretty much every other activity that i actually enjoyed.

Nearly seven months ago, i lost my friend. i can't get him out of my head, and he's all i can think about.
I've been really depressed. I've cut myself, bruised myself, burnt myself, and developed what might be considered an eating disorder.
I've grown up in a Christian family, my Grandpa's even a long-time preacher. But about seven months ago, i started doubting whether or not Christianity was really "right". I'm not going to go into details, but i decided that i didn't want to be a "christian' anymore.
I became Wiccan and (as you can imagine) my mom freaked out. It only took her a week or two, but she finally realized that I'm not eight anymore. And, short of kicking me out of the house, there isn't really anything that she can do to control what i believe.

Lately, I've been much less likely to put up with much, and much more likely to just want to walk away from it, because i don't feel like i can deal with much. But that is just making it worse. One of my friends(let's call her "J"), we used to be super close. Even though she is two years younger than me, we could always relate. I didn't mind hanging out with her, despite the age difference. As far as religion goes, we were on the same level for years.
But i feel like i shifted into a whole different world, seven months ago. She is devout a Christian, like i was.
J's only twelve, but "she doesn't need to worry about anything because her parents know and understand everything, and her god will keep her safe no matter what happens".
I hate that philosophy; That god will reach down and heal the sick and dying, if you pray hard enough. Well, forgive me. I guess i can't pray good enough for him.
Like i said before, J is only twelve. And she is very happy. Everything is a joke to her. Maybe she doesn't handle depression well, because when i tried to relate to her how i was feeling, she made a joke out of it. Which felt like a knife going right through me, by the way.
All she talks to me about is religion. Her religion ties into everything she does. Which is good, for her. But since she believes with all her heart that Wiccans are evil witches and are worshiping the devil, i can't tell her anything about my "spiritual life". Like i said before though, everything she has to say is spiritual. She even wants to have discussions with me on the bible, and different ways to interpret certain scriptures. Because we used to do that all the time, now every guitar class (that's really all i do right now) is torture. her dad is teaching it, and all the songs we are learning are redone hyms. i can deal with being around people who believe differently. i can take a little teasing because of my beliefs. I was a vegetarian for three years, and my family and friends pretty much thought I'd lost it. But at least they knew i was a Veggie, and they accepted it and we moved on!
She doesn't know that I'm Wiccan, but she is already worried for my soul. I have nothing against her trying to save me. I mean, how could you be mad at someone for trying to save your eternal soul?
But i hate the ways she does it. Her church is telling her that it's her responsibility to save her friends. And if people don't follow the path, then god casts them away into hell. So, i can imagine that gets very stressful for her. But that doesn't mean that i should have to put up with her. does it? she is mean to me about our differences. Like the fact that i listen to secular music groups, for just one example.
But its not just religion. She doesn't get anything i tell her. She doesn't listen. She was planning a sleepover for us(which i don't want to go to because she literally can talk about religion all night. with me just kind of sitting there listening), and she was like
"how about sometimes in april"
i couldn't think of a way out so i said 'ill have to talk to my mom first"
"great, how about the ninth?"
"i don't know J, ill have to talk to my mom about it."
"right, ok"
come to find out, she had planned the sleepover, run it through her mom, bought all the snacks (she insists on having tons of junky, gross food at every sleep over and wanting me to eat it, even though she knows i have problems with food) and was eagerly awaiting the ninth. This is the third time that she has planned a sleepover without my consent. and i wouldn't mind if it was a little bit of a misunderstanding, but after our original conversation about it, i told her that it wasn't going to work. But she was doing it anyways. SHE DOESN'T LISTEN TO ME. my mom said that if i wanted to go on the sleepover, i could. since it wasn't really my fault that it was so badly planned.
J had it planned to be at my house. but my entire family at been sick for a month. So our house wasn't the cleanest place on earth. i tried to explain that to her, that i didn't think that i was gonna be able to do it, since the sleepover was only a few days away. and we were all still feeling down and out. so she volunteered to have it at her house, without asking her mom. which turned out, it wouldn't work. So then she called me and was telling me that it had to be at my house. i told her that i didn't know if that would work. and then she started saying stuff about why couldn't i just clean my room, and we have had to postpone soooo many sleepovers because my room wasn't clean, and its not that hard to clean your room.
Ok, first of all, this would be the first sleepover that we had to postpone because of my room. Second of all, my room was clean before we all caught the flu. I don't really feel like putting things where they go, or tidying up when i have a fever of 103!
The day before J had the sleepover planned for(even though i had told her a million times that it wasn't going to work), i found out that one of my best friends mom, has breast cancer.
i completely broke down.
i cried all day, and all night. and just wanted to die.
I told my mom that i didn't think i could take a sleepover with J. So she banned me from sleepovers. for the time being.
i think that i am going to go completely insane. my parents haven't made me see a counselor yet, because they figure if they make me, it won't help any. since i could technically just sit there and refuse to speak. but i think i might need one.
I feel like nothing matters. The only thing keeping me going at the moment is telling myself that today is my last day. and i will die tonight. and then it will all be over. i tell myself that every morning. it sounds stupid, i know. but it really works.
J is mad because i put off the sleepover. she is also annoyed with me because I'm depressed. nice, huh? She doesn't get it, and she doesn't want to have to deal with it, i guess. The last time i saw her, i was thinking about committing suicide. and she was acting mad at me for no apparent reason. I asked her what was wrong, and she said that i wasn't any fun, and she wanted the old me back because this one was depressed and boring.
wow, that's just the kind of encouragement i needed.

What am i supposed to do? Am i just supposed to deal with her, and pretend nothing is wrong? If i tried to talk to her about it, it would only hurt her. She wouldn't understand.


Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to end your life
Now and again we try
To just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late
   
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Re: I feel like my life is falling apart, and she isn't helping! - April 11th 2010, 07:09 PM

I think that 12 years old is a little young to understand what your going through. It seems to me like she only cares about her world and her beliefs and what she has planned. You should talk to her and let her know how you feel about the way she's acting. You shouldn't have to pretend nothing is wrong. And if she's making your life harder than it needs to be maybe you need to stay away from her for awhile. The distance might help her realize how you feel if she doesn't get it when you talk to her.
PM me if you want to talk.


"Happiness is like a butterfly;
the more you chase it, the more it will elude you,
but if you turn your attention to other things,
it will come and sit softly on your shoulder..."
~Thoreau
   
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Re: I feel like my life is falling apart, and she isn't helping! - April 11th 2010, 07:52 PM

I can understand where you're coming from, to a certain extent. I'm a Christian, but nowhere near what you would call a "fundamentalist". Some of my friends are, though, and it sickens me. My faith in God/Jesus has never been questioned... but my faith in the Christian "institution" has, on numerous occasions. I believe in Him, I worship Him, but I can't seem to do so around other people, because I'm distracted by how utterly hypocritical some people are.

ANYWAY. Your friend is very young. As such, she's highly impressionable by her parents, teachers, pastor, etc. I remember that middle school was particularly horrible for me, because all of my friends felt the need to incorporate God/Jesus into every single aspect of their lives. Combine that with the general pressures of your middle school years, and you've got a truly hellish experience. My classmates said I was a bad person, because I watched "Lord of the Rings", and it had magic/wizards/demons/etc. When I suffered from depression and self-harm, my classmates told me I had no right to feel that way or do those things, because "Christians shouldn't be sad, when they have God in their lives".

Your friend may or may not open her eyes in the near future. You can try to help her, by putting a "biblical" spin on this, but in all honesty, I don't think she's going to be accepting of your differences anytime soon (if ever). I think you would benefit from seeing a therapist, one who isn't affiliated with the church. Your parents seem surprisingly open and willing to help you out, despite your differences... so take advantage of that, and get the help you need, wherever you can get it! =)






   
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Re: I feel like my life is falling apart, and she isn't helping! - April 14th 2010, 02:48 AM

thanks for the encouragment, guys.

I don't really think talking to her would help very much. She wouldn't get it, and it would only upset her.
I think my main problem with her is that sometimes I just really want somebody to listen to me, and she doesn't.
My parents are going to take me to see a counselor soon, I'm kinda nervous about that. But atleast that'd be another person who will (hopefully) really listen.


Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to end your life
Now and again we try
To just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late
   
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