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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Unhappy I'm very disappointed in my father - April 12th 2010, 01:34 AM

My parents aren't divorced,I have always lived with them but I was raised by my grandmother therefore I don't have a good relationship with my parents,I'm not close to them.I know my mother loves me but I think my father doesn't love me because he is not an affectionate dad.He never hugs and never kisses me.He is a cold person,when I hug him he doesn't hug me back.
The more I age the less affectionate he gets and it's weird I don't know why he does this,it's not because I'm 16 years old that I don't need my dad's affection.I remenber that when I was a child he used to hug me.Well,maybe he is not affectionate because he is shy.Me and my dad don't talk much to each other,whenever I'm alone with him there will be a deep silence.It seems that I don't need him for anything,whenever I have a problem,when I'm needing money or when I have to ask for permission to someone I ask for my mother because in my house both of my parents work but my mother makes more money than my father and also she is the boss here in my house everybody have to obey her.However,she is a tyrant.One of the things that makes me angry at my parents is that my father does everything that my mother orders,it's weird I've never seen a husband being so obedient to his wife but I've seen the opposite.In our society it's not normal to a husband always obey his wife.He acts like he really loves her,they have been married for a long time and they get along very well and for me this is weird too because I always see couples getting divoced including my friends' parents therefore I feel that my parents' relationsip is not normal.My dad is obedient to my mother and he always say that he thinks that mothers are sacred because they are the bearers of life,they are the ones that give birth and therefore they deserve to be highly respected.Whenever I'm shouting at my mum or when we are fighting my dad intrudes himfelf in the fight to defend my mum and to make me stop cursing her.My dad was abandoned by his father and by his mother and maybe is because of that that he is clingy to my mum.I think my dad has a mother complex.I''m sure he has a mother complex!!I'm serious,believe me: My dad loves my mother more than he loves his daughters!Yes,he does! I don't know what to do.Have you ever seen a dad who loves the wife(the mother of his daughters) more than he loves his daughters?Have you ever seen a husband who treat his wife so well?My family is not a normal family!! Help!
   
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Re: I'm very disappointed in my father - April 12th 2010, 06:37 AM

Perhaps your dad feels bad/guilty about something regarding you in the past, for example, having you grow up with your grandma rather then with them. It could be that now that you're older, he doesn't know how to treat you. I think you should talk to him. It's kind of funny, I'm currently in a situation like this with my dad, but hes never been there for me and Im almost 25. I'd talk to him, reassure him that you still need your daddy.
   
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Re: I'm very disappointed in my father - April 12th 2010, 07:29 AM

You think your family is abnormal because your parents respect each other, love each other and get along? A lot of people would love to have parents that don't fight, you are really lucky. And I've seen a lot of relationships where the woman has more power than the man. There is nothing wrong with it, as long as there isn't any abuse or misuse of power happening. You say that your mother is a tyrant, but that's a really harsh word. What makes you call her that?

From what you describe, your father doesn't have a mother complex. A mother complex would be if he valued his mother's opinions over everyone else's, if he constantly called her, etc. You need to understand that your mother isn't just a mother to your dad. She is the woman he fell in love with and decided to spend the rest of his life with. Your parents are not just parents, they are people as well.

And I wouldn't say that it's weird or wrong for a father to love the mother of his children more than the children. Personally, I think that he should love them equally, but I can understand why he might love his wife more. A wife is someone you choose to love based on compatibility etc. so it can be easier to love them than to love children who you must love, regardless of choice. It sounds terrible, but sometimes it's hard to love family just because they are family. Love is often more of a choice than a given.

Please don't think of your family as abnormal. It's very sad that the media and society have created an image of broken families where parents don't respect each other. Don't believe for a second that divorce and husbands treating wives badly is the standard family life that you have to play into.



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Re: I'm very disappointed in my father - April 12th 2010, 07:41 AM

When it comes to the issue of you and your dad having a deep silence alone, or he doesn't hug you back, it could very well just because he is sad that he couldn't have raised you and feel he doesn't deserve you. I can't help but feeling that way for someone in my life. It's quite a hard habit to get over. Whenever I talk to her, I want to say everything too her. But I can't speak it, it's too difficult. Your dad could be feeling that way with you.

You don't have a bad family, but problems will get worse unless acted upon. As tough as it may be, try to have a heart to heart with your dad. But be speak your mind freely, he'll probably appreciate it more than you know.
   
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Re: I'm very disappointed in my father - April 13th 2010, 03:04 AM

My dad is cold hearted,serious and rude,my mother is authoritarian,strict and aggressive I think that's why they get along so well. My father always pressure me and my sister to be like our mother. My dad thinks that my mother is so pefect.
Whenever I star a fight with my mum my dad gets very angry at me to the point that he would hit me if I keep the fight going on and once he hit me just because I had started a fight with my mum.
I'm sure that my father has a mother complex because of the way he acts towards my mother and because he was abandoned by his parents when he was a child.
My father thinks that mothers are sacred because they are the bearers of life,they are the ones that give birth and therefore they deserve to be highly respected.Is it normal to think like this?
   
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Re: I'm very disappointed in my father - April 13th 2010, 11:05 AM

I don't know you or your family, so I can't make an accurate judgment. But you seem very set on believing that your family is abnormal or that your parents are not nice people. But you haven't given any examples of things that they've done that seem abusive or really strange (apart from your dad hitting you once, but you don't specify how he hit you. I think punching/slapping is unacceptable, but lots of parents smack their kids on the bottom).

I already explained that I don't think what your father does demonstrates a mother complex. To you, he loves your mother and that means he has a mother complex? But to him he loves his wife, he doesn't just see her as a mother because your parents are not just "parents". They are people as well, and it doesn't seem like you understand that?

Your dad cares about your mother, he obviously loves her a lot. You need to remember that before they had you, they weren't parents, they were just two people who loved each other. So it's not strange that your dad would think your mum is perfect because he loves her. She is not perfect, no one is, but love makes us blind to other people's flaws.

And whilst it might not be a normal view to see mothers as sacred, it isn't bad at all. A lot of mothers give up their own careers and lives to take care of their children and they deserve far more respect than they are usually given.

If you are having problems with your family, then you really need to talk to your parents about it. Or you need to go see a guidance counsellor at your school because this whole thing seems to be distressing you a lot. A counsellor would be able to help you work through all this stuff much better than we can.



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Re: I'm very disappointed in my father - April 15th 2010, 01:44 AM

To ShimmeringFaerie:Why do you want me to PM you?
   
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Re: I'm very disappointed in my father - April 29th 2010, 03:21 AM

I CAN'T STAND MY FATHER'S COLDNESS ANYMORE!!!AND HE IS ALSO SO RUDE TO ME!!!!I DON'T DESERVE THIS KIND OF TREATMENT!
   
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