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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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am i the problem? - May 2nd 2010, 01:18 AM

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i wasnt going to post this but i just realized that ive been telling people to face their fears when im not even willing to face mine. so here goes nothing and if she finds this. oh well.

gah i don't even know how to say this. it would be so much easier if someone would jsut ask questions. oh well.
anyways i guess ill just say my thoughts.
so let me tell you a little about me.
i used to be really shy when i first moved here. people would make fun of me because i wouldn't talk. i didnt have any friends until i met her. as i see it, she pretty saved me. i mean i was sucidal and then i met her, and she was shy too, but we became friends. she was my first true friend. so from day one bascially she was very special to me. she had this other best friend too. well call her Mary. well mary and me didn;t really get along. and because of mary it always seemed to be a competion over...well call the friend who i'm having issues with right now, Lee. so yeah mary and me were both friends with Lee. and Mary and me were friends too until Lee and her had a huge fight. and then Mary pretty much told me to choose between her and Lee. so i choose Lee because it was the better choice for me. well after Lee and Mary made up, all of a sudden i was pushed out of the picture. and niehter of them wanted to be friends with me. so that was a horrible year for me. well after a while Lee became anorexic and that was pretty much the beginning of our actual friendship. that was eleventh grade. i saw Lee at chruch and stuff but i didn't see her at school, ( im think because Mary was so jealous and then want Lee to be friends with me. oh and Lee was a big push over) well all though eleventh grade, i was really depressed, that wasn't a week where i wouldn't cry at least 6/7 days. nothing could make me smile, etc etc, you get it right? and that was because Lee was anorexic, it tore me up inside so bad that i couldnt jsut fix that with a bandaid or a hug, that she jsut was on her own. and we were only really good friends, if that. well chruch camp came we became really close, but mary and lee started distancing. you were as even though i couldn't take Lee being anorexic, i promised both her and myself that i would. But mary would jsut ignore the fact that Lee was anorexic, she wouldnt talk to her about it, etc. and i really hated her for that. cuz i think that really hurt Lee. anyways, my senior year came and Lee and me were insepearable. but drama happened and became so wrapped up into it and it pretty much tore us apart. what happened was Lee was angry at me because of the drama but instead of talking to me about it, she just kept it inside until the summer and then once day she pretty much jsut called me up and said i dont want to be friends with you anymore. this pretty much killed me. and for the first time that night i did something that i never thought i would do, i cut myself. and i half attempted to kill myself. i just couldnt take it, the pain was too much to me that suicide was the only option for myself. well everything jsut kinda fell into place after that. my brother came home from his mission, and i started college, where i made a new friend. i never had such a stable feeling of happiness but at the same time. there was this void, this emptyniess that i coudlnt get rid of. and each day i would cry because i would miss her. there wasnt something i couldnt look at, or listen too that didnt remind me of her. well needless to say we became friends again. but i had my walls up from day one. i jsut couldnt trust her. i just couldnt let her in. but at usual i forced myself. well new years came and she invited me over to her house. well thinking wow my parents will never let me do this. i lied to them. well that night was great for our friendship; i started fully trusting her again and everything. well i got caught the next day because i was suppose to call my parents in the morning, and i just couldn't cuz my phone had stopped working. well i got and i went home. and my parents pretty much said to me. her or us? i m mormon and and so is Lee but Lee isn't a very good mormon so they pretty much hate her. and they gave me the ultimadum of you either be friends her and get disowned or you can stop being friends with her and be a good little mormon girl. now i havent done half of what she has done. she smokes, has sex and is pretty much a slut. and i'm pretty much the opposite. well i choose my parents. but i still talk to her this day secretly. well we started dating and she pretty much treated me like shit. she never admitted online that we were dating and it tore me up really bad. not to mention that fact that since she jsut wasnt phyically attracted to me anymore. ( i always played hard to get and since i wasn't anymore she jsut wasnt interested) well we broke up. mainly beccause i couldn't take the combination of those issues and because she learned that she had a bipolar disorder. well i guess thats what pretty much set me downhill.
i oosted something a few days ago. about how something was pointless, and she asked me what it was. and i said well i'm jsut don't feel that comfortable in telling you that. and wheni told her why she didn't really seem to care. she was jsut like oh well. since then she hasnt even tried to fix our friendship. i guesss my main issue is i have a lot of problems with her and i'm starting to think why am i friends with her.
heres my lsit of problems:
-doesn;t seems to care.
-slut. ( i hurts me to see her have no self respect)
-smokes
- cant talk to her about anything really, like i kinda have a problem with her smoking, but i knows its pointless to say you should stop smoking. because then shell give me the shit of it's my life, this is who i am blah blah blah. she wont listen to me.
-she believes that people should just let other people run their own lives. that means no voiceing opinions. i still do though :P
-she could get me disowned
-i know that if become a good mormon shell stop being friends with me
because of the huge fight we had i will never fully trust her again.
-i tried telling her about my cutting because of my paranioa and she didnt say anything.
-so pretty much i feel screwed over. its like she wants people to always be the first to start talking to her and i need a 50/50 friendship
-she acts differently around me then other friends. because she a partier type person and i'm not she won't act a certain way when shes around me.
-theres so many secrets about her that i dont know
-she hardly shows that she cares about me

Now she also tells me that im high maintence, paranoid and if ill be like I want to make new friends shell be like your really shy. I guess my main problem is she treats me so differently from everyone else that I just assume that something is wrong. Also lately Iíve just been starting to shut down, I donít really want to be friends with her anymore, I just donít think Iíll ever trust her again, that ill always have problems with who hse is and because I those itíll always be a fight.
But Iím really scared. This was my first true best friend, she is such a big part of my life, she laughs at everything I say and she knows how to make me laugh too. I guess Iím afraid that if I leave Iíll never find someone like her again. Im expecting so much from her, but everyone else treats me better, everyone else says Iím a good person and how im such a good friend. Ahh mind just went blank. Can you guys just tell me what you think? feel free to ask questions. i know it might seem vague, but i cant type the whole story here. if i did i would fer sure miss things and it would be too long.


" One day at a time, this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering. "

i wonder when i'll finally jsut start accepting myself, when i'll stop saying i wish i could be like that person.

i have facebook, and myspace. and you can ask for it. :P
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Re: am i the problem? - May 2nd 2010, 04:15 PM

It appears to me that there has been a lot of manipulation in the situation by others, none of this appears to be your fault at all. I know it is hard to lose someone close to you especially in this way. But considering how messed up her life is right now, is her advice really what you would have wanted to follow? Obviously you are fully capable of finding someone to be close in the same or a better way, and you probably will in the future. Your other friends can see that. Try to stay positive in the mean time.
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: am i the problem? - May 3rd 2010, 01:54 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by FlyingTrue View Post
It appears to me that there has been a lot of manipulation in the situation by others, none of this appears to be your fault at all. I know it is hard to lose someone close to you especially in this way. But considering how messed up her life is right now, is her advice really what you would have wanted to follow? Obviously you are fully capable of finding someone to be close in the same or a better way, and you probably will in the future. Your other friends can see that. Try to stay positive in the mean time.
what do you by manipulation? i havent lost anyone. i'm seriously taking into consideration of stop being friends with Lee.


" One day at a time, this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering. "

i wonder when i'll finally jsut start accepting myself, when i'll stop saying i wish i could be like that person.

i have facebook, and myspace. and you can ask for it. :P
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Re: am i the problem? - May 4th 2010, 05:18 PM

I am referring to the trouble with Mary and your parents messing up the friendship and obviously someone had to convince Lee to be part of this lame-o lifestyle, that is all manipulation. And you are hurt that you are no longer going to have this close friend, it is still a loss even if you are the one choosing to end the friendship. If what I am saying makes any sense.
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  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: am i the problem? - May 5th 2010, 03:18 AM

yes it did. thank you.


" One day at a time, this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering. "

i wonder when i'll finally jsut start accepting myself, when i'll stop saying i wish i could be like that person.

i have facebook, and myspace. and you can ask for it. :P
  Send a message via Yahoo to emoticon  
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