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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Kristy Offline
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Dad Issues - May 6th 2010, 03:30 AM

My dad is lazy. He doesn't have a job, and hasn't had one for the past couple months. He gets a trucking job maybe once a year, and immediately quits soon after. Not only that, but the rest of my family is terrified of him. I believe he has anger management issues.. he's never physically hurt anyone, but I'm tired of the crap he's put my family through. My mom works full time and is dying of an incurable disease called lupus. The medicine is kind of expensive, so she has to work to keep herself alive. My dad could care less about her condition. Instead, he spends her hard earned money on useless things like electronic entertainment.
And by the way, he hates me veeeery much. He thinks I conspire against him, thinking I'm plotting things to get revenge, which is totally false. He cusses at me often; the other day telling me to fuck off when I tried to back up my older sister. When my mom tried to back me up, he said she could fuck off too and go back to Japan. My mom drew the line, saying that the relationship wasn't working out... that if he didn't change, then they'd be over. He said he didn't care and he'd leave. BUT OF COURSE, he didn't. He'd never leave all his precious possessions (computer, record player, blueray, giant TV screen). Instead, he "cooked us steak" thinking that would solve everything, causing us to forgive him. Now I'm back to square one.. being treated like trash. I know this might sound bad, but I'm trying to get my parents to divorce. I can't take it anymore. Often, I have dreams about killing him, which I'm sure it isn't normal.
Because of him buying things often and not having a job, my family has hit rock-bottom. Bankruptcy. Now even if my mother, sister, and I wanted to leave, we'd have no where to go... sometimes my mom even says she's scared that he'd kill us. She told me once... that when she told him to leave the house, he said he'd leave but burn the house down with us in it first. I don't know what to do or where to go. I can't drive because he's too lazy to take me to get my permit. I'm 16, turning 17 in October. I can't get a job, and now he expects me to pay for my summer school classes, which is over $200 for maybe one class. I'm failing 3. I've never failed any of my classes until this year. I know I should have tried harder, but there's so much stress when I get home. I can't work on anything. I'll have to repeat a year at this rate. For my birthday last year, I asked my mom to pay for my classes as my present. Now my dad is taking back the promise, saying I deserve to fail.
AHHH, so stressful. Maybe I'm just spoiled. My dad always blames my bad attitude on my mom, saying she raised me wrong. HE'S SUCH A HYPOCRITE. Guys, I could really use some advice. I know this is a long ass plea for help, but I really need it. Thank you

EDIT: he destroys things a lot too.. he once threw a phone at my mom, missing, but denting the wall. Sometimes when I come home, my room will be trashed, like my keyboard keys scattered on the floor, things that were once on my shelf on the floor, etc.
He is the type of person to accuse without proof and won't listen to the real explanation. He quickly angers over little mistakes. The reason for the big argument between him and I was because I messed up when washing the dirty clothes for the first time. It's not like anyone has actually showed me how to use the washing machine correctly. I've grown up independently is what I'm trying to get at. OH, and let me tell you. His personality is NOT going to change. Even before I was born, he was a prick. Sometimes he'd forget to take my older sister to school, which of course made her fail a grade. He also lied to my mother when they were getting married, telling her that his parents knew about the marriage. Which was a lie. He also promised her that they would live in Japan. After she had gotten pregnant, he told her to go back to Japan by herself. He'd rather stay in America. She made A HORRIBLE CHOICE that affected my life. She decided it would be best to stay with the father so I would have a "functional family". Haha... how ironic.

Last edited by Kristy; May 6th 2010 at 03:52 AM.
   
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Re: Dad Issues - May 6th 2010, 03:50 AM

Kristy, welcome to this forum.

Personally I suggest that you tell your mother to go to the police and get a protective order filed against him, then have the divorce filed and let the court system take care of the matter including the appropriation and recovery of funds and possessions. This man needs to be removed from a position where he can hurt your family.

I also suggest that you also go to your school's guidance counselor and explain the entire situation with him/her, they should be willing to work with you to help you get back on track. Your school may also have a dedicated on-duty police officer (also known as a school resource officer) that you can talk to if your mother is too afraid to go to the police.
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Kristy Offline
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Re: Dad Issues - May 6th 2010, 04:06 AM

Thank you Glad to be able to talk about this with somebody.

But I'm worried as to what will become of my mother. I don't want to be separated from her or anything.. and my two cats as well. I don't want to have to put them up for adoption.
And I've never heard any threats to kill with my own ears. But just in case, maybe I should talk to a counselor...
And honestly, I kind of feel I'm making up excuses for myself. Like I said, I can be kind of spoiled. Even if the issue with my family is cleared up, maybe my grades will stay the same. But I know for sure, for the past few years I've been living a very depressing life. I stay in my room almost 24/7 paranoid, wondering what he'll yell at me for next. He got pissed yesterday when I decided to use his bathroom instead of my own. I don't see why it's something to be angry at, but apparently it's bad enough for punishment. I don't mind working around the house, but I feel as if I'm doing him favors. When I do them wrong, he just gets more upset and tells me to go away.
   
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Re: Dad Issues - May 6th 2010, 04:39 AM

Hello, Kristy, and welcome to TeenHelp! =)

I know it's hard to part with a beloved pet... but your safety, and the safety of your family members, comes first. Would it be possible for a relative, friend, or neighbor to take care of the cats for a month or two? Just while you're sorting out new living arrangements?

Now, here's the part you're probably not going to like. I think you need to get out of that house. ALL of you. File a report/get a restraining order from the police, contact a low-cost attorney for the divorce, and either move in with a relative/friend, or find a local battered women's shelter. No, it's not fair that your father gets to stay in the house with all his gadgets, and that you and your family members have to re-locate... but again, this isn't about comfort. It's about safety, staying alive, and not taking risks or giving your father a chance to retaliate when the police and attorney contact him.

You and your family members may want to look into individual and/or group therapy sessions. There are psychological professionals called "marriage and family therapists", who specialize in counseling people that are dealing with difficult situations like this. You may be able to find one through a local non-profit/low-cost clinic, or through the battered women's shelter.

I wish you the very best of luck, and feel free to keep us updated on your situation. Take care!





   
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Re: Dad Issues - May 7th 2010, 03:14 AM

Knowing the nature of the court system, the family court would probably be more favored toward you and your sibling(s) staying with your mother and keeping a majority of the property as he would be the at-fault party in the relationship as an abuser, compounded with the situation of a terminal illness it would be even more significant in terms of severity when it comes to the judgement. Legal action has to be initiated so it can be put in the record to be used in the case. If your local police department has sense then a no-tresspass order should be initiated to prevent him from coming to the house and a restraining order from being near you and the family. If the system lets you down then Robin has some really good advice.

Last edited by FlyingTrue; May 7th 2010 at 03:20 AM.
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Kristy Offline
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Re: Dad Issues - May 7th 2010, 08:05 PM

Do you believe it would be wise to talk to my mom about this first?
Like, I think she has a plan of her own. She wants me to graduate high school first, so when I move out, she can deal with her own situation with my dad. But honestly, I'm scared for her. I don't want her to do something she would regret. Plus, if I fail a grade, we'd have to stay with him even longer. When my mom gets home tonight, I'll try talking about it with her. If we don't come up with a solution, I'll try the school counselor and get some help.
I didn't think my situation was so bad that I'd have to get the law involved since he hasn't physically abused us. Since my mom is a foreigner, we don't really have any relatives or friends to stay with. The only place I can think of is my grandpa (my DAD'S father), which I'm not sure if we'd be safe there, knowing my dad would have contact with us.
And the marriage therapists... I really doubt my dad would ever agree to go to one of those. He doesn't even like taking me to the orthodontist since they always wish to speak with him, which really pissed my ortho off.

Anyway, I'm just afraid if I don't do something quick, my mom really will die from overworking and lupus. If my dad won't do something about it, then I believe it's my job to help her.
Thanks for the advice guys

EDIT: Also, my grandpa is... confusing. He's told me that my father is a bum/lazy (which is true) and that he wouldn't be surprised if my mom divorces him.
But then, he likes to side with my dad a lot. I'm not sure if it's because my dad is his son, but he also blames my "bad upbringing" on my mom. To me, this is really wrong. The mother isn't supposed to be the only one raising her children. My mom has always tried her best, always giving things up for me and my sister. My dad has done nothing for the family besides the truckdriving. And I know truckdriving is a tough job, and maybe that's what split our family apart since we never really... talked/seen him for months at a time. But still, that's no excuse to treat everyone like trash, right? Is my thinking wrong? Since I've never had a job before, I don't really know how my parents feel. My mom always blames my dad's behavior on my grandpa. They are REALLY similar (father like son?). So maybe moving in with my grandpa is a really bad idea... I can't rent/buy a house/apartment because of our bankruptcy, so I don't really have any other choice besides the woman's shelter...
The only way I'd be able to live normally is if he's the one who leaves the house. Don't know how I'd manage to get that to happen.

Last edited by Kristy; May 7th 2010 at 08:17 PM.
   
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Re: Dad Issues - May 7th 2010, 11:40 PM

yeah, i think you need to go to your school councler and get some professional advice, that would be better than anything we on here could give (although those before me have given some good advice, but i do think you should go to a trusted professional and not us strangers).
   
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Re: Dad Issues - May 8th 2010, 05:04 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kristy
Do you believe it would be wise to talk to my mom about this first?
Like, I think she has a plan of her own. She wants me to graduate high school first, so when I move out, she can deal with her own situation with my dad. But honestly, I'm scared for her. I don't want her to do something she would regret. Plus, if I fail a grade, we'd have to stay with him even longer. When my mom gets home tonight, I'll try talking about it with her. If we don't come up with a solution, I'll try the school counselor and get some help.
I definitely think it would be a good idea to talk to your mom about this. While I can understand her logic (not wanting to disrupt your academic life), waiting another two years is just... dangerous, in my opinion. It's like what I said about your pets... it's not a pleasant thought, having to give things up, but your safety and your family's safety comes first in a situation like this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kristy
I didn't think my situation was so bad that I'd have to get the law involved since he hasn't physically abused us.
Your father has pushed your family in bankruptcy. He's verbally abusive on a regular basis. He's threatened to burn the house down (with all of you in it) if your mother ever divorced him. He doesn't NEED to be physically abusive... all of those things are bad enough.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kristy
Since my mom is a foreigner, we don't really have any relatives or friends to stay with. The only place I can think of is my grandpa (my DAD'S father), which I'm not sure if we'd be safe there, knowing my dad would have contact with us.
I don't think your grandfather's place would be safe enough. 1) He may ultimately side with his son, and 2) your father would probably figure out where you guys were staying. The whole point of staying at a battered women's shelter is so that your father CAN'T find you. Again, your father has threatened to burn the house down, with all of you in it... what makes you think he won't do the same thing to your grandfather's house? He's a psychopath... I doubt he would care if your grandfather happened to be in the house at the time as well.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kristy
And the marriage therapists... I really doubt my dad would ever agree to go to one of those. He doesn't even like taking me to the orthodontist since they always wish to speak with him, which really pissed my ortho off.
Oops, I wasn't clear enough with my other post. You and your family (EXCLUDING your father) could see the marriage and family therapist. You don't have to have the whole family present in order to benefit from therapy sessions. =)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kristy
The only way I'd be able to live normally is if he's the one who leaves the house. Don't know how I'd manage to get that to happen.
FlyingTrue brought up a good point. Based on your mother's illness, and the fact that there are children who need stability when it comes to their academic lives, the courts would probably order your father to move out, not the other way around. HOWEVER, there is still the threat of your father's burning down the house... which is why I originally suggested that you move out, no matter how unfair it may be. It may take time, but you can all start over.





   
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