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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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I don't want to dissapoint her but... - May 8th 2010, 09:15 PM

ok my mum really wants me to go to uni and study zoology, now before that would have been great etc. A job working with animals, studying habitats and habits is a dream job for me even now.

The problem is my bf, don't get me wrong he has never said he doesn't want me to go etc in fact he's been completely the opposite, saying he'll support me whatever I decide to do and that going to uni would probably be good for me and such.

but we kind of have a plan of some sort. When we both finish college he'll try get a job and I'll move over to where he lives. If we feel the time is right then move in togeather, get engaged, get married maybe have kids. Now none of this may seem a problem to going to uni however we are both ver traditional in the sense of marriage and kids. We want to marry relatively young (20-22) and once we're married I don't want to work. I love the idea of being a "housewife" staying at home, cooking, cleaning, running errands etc. When we have kids, I want to be a stay at home mum, I want to be their for them and help to develop. I don't really see how I'd do this if I ended up with my so called "dream job" of exploring places, studying habitas, studying species etc.

So I'm just wondering how do I tell my mum that really, I have no desire to go to university. Obviously, me and bf may break up, we may neve get married etc. But I don't see that happening, we have both commited to each other and decided that we want to spend the rest of our lives togeather.

Idk, I guess I just want ideas an opinions on what I want and how I could maybe tell my mum and my dad. Another thing would be to do what I said above but run a small family business, which in the ideal world would be a riding school or livery yard of somesort but that is unlikely to happen due to lack of money and such.





   
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Re: I don't want to dissapoint her but... - May 9th 2010, 12:06 AM

You know I have a similar view to you on marriage and everything. My parents married young and I'm lucky that I managed to find someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with so early on. I would love to move out now and start that life together already, but unfortunately university commitments would make it pretty hard for us to cope, so we are waiting a few more years until he graduates. And I want to have kids relatively early too, around mid-20s. I say all this, just so you know that you aren't alone in your views; I know I've had people give me weird looks when I say that I want to get married etc. so young.

The thing is that realistically being a house-wife these days isn't particularly practical. Most households need the double income to even stay afloat. And when you have kids, you'll need it even more. You could probably find a way to stay home with the kids for a few years, but eventually you'll have to at least put them in daycare for a few days a week while you go back to part-time work. It would be really hard to cope financially otherwise.

My point is that perhaps going to uni to get a better-paying job would actually work out in your favour. You could earn more money early on and save it up so when it came to the point where you had kids, you would have that money to keep you afloat. And when your kids were older, you would have something to go back to that you would enjoy rather than having to stay at home by yourself or get a job at the supermarket or something like that.



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Re: I don't want to dissapoint her but... - May 9th 2010, 01:00 AM

Cost of living is too high nowadays. Unless you get your boyfriend to work in a country like the UK, but you go and live with your future kids abroad in a cheaper country, like eastern europe, or mexico or something similar. I dont think that's a good idea, don't think you'd like it either, it's too distant. Having one person working to upkeep a familly just isnt very practical nowadays, unless it's going to be a job paying quite a high salary like $60,000... but since ur in the UK, ur gona get so heavily taxed on that... lol.

There is stuff like mortgages... those take ages to repay. Cost of living in the UK is one of the highest. Its part of the problem... because more famillies have to have both parents working to get enough money, so the kids end up being brought up less by their parents and more by their school environment, and it's not usually a great one.

I doubt you want to be hasty with things, end up having kids which you will struggle to upkeep. That will end up just limiting their opportunities.

I advise you stick to university and invest those few more years of effort to get a better job at the end of it. Besides, the job market really sucks right now I think, you might aswell wait a few years.

And you may think that your job may end up in you not spending enough time at home. I think that's up to you as an individual, and how well you take control of things. I don't know about this sort of stuff, but I think there's something called maternity leave (not sure). Plus I wouldnt call your job prospect as an antisocial one. By antisocial I mean you spending the whole day away in an office, working on things that are unlikely to interest your familly.

Ive had some friends whos parents had similar jobs, to do with research in generall... and frequently they are at home. Ur not away all the time. It could be you writing some sort of report or article on somethin you where investigating. Its really varied. The better you are at something, the more in control u are, like you might be able to negotiate the terms of your job, which could be that you want to spend a larger proportion of your time working at home maybe.


My point is... if you put your mind to it and try hard enough, you should be able to do both, stay at home with the kids and have a healthy family, and keep a good job. You can have both.


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Re: I don't want to dissapoint her but... - May 9th 2010, 11:24 AM

Well we wouldn't have to worry about a mortgage since he inherits a house fully payed for when he hits 21 so it would just be the cost of living. PLus where he lives you don't get taxed on anything you buy so everything is alot cheaper.

Obviously I would be willing to get a part time job but the majority of my time I would want to be at home with my kids. I don't think it's right that parent should have to pretty much leave the upbringing and teaching to day care centres and such.





   
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Re: I don't want to dissapoint her but... - May 10th 2010, 06:22 AM

I would study at university and pursue the dream of zoology not only for the financial issues as previously mentioned but to assist in you raising your children. What I mean by that is if you become a stay at home mother as a full-time job, then it may be harder to provide interesting and unique experiences for your children.

Let me explain this with a little story of part of my life. When I was young, my parents both worked and my grandmother on my father's side lived with us so she took care of me. Whenever my parents traveled to certain places for work, I was sometimes a bit bummed out when it was long trips but when they came back, the experiences were amazing. I'd get various souvenirs, stories, etc... and learn of things that daily stuff with my grandmother (plus friends) could never provide. When my father traveled, he'd return and the things he brought were amazing (i.e. geologist who briefly taught at a university) so the minerals/rocks would be amazing. He'd explain what they were to me, how he got them and so forth, it was always amazing.

Traveling may make you miss your kids while you're away but when you as a parent reunite, it always seems to be amazing for the parent also (I'm not a parent so this is based on my experiences with my parents).

So, you can be able to be a zoologist and have children.
   
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Re: I don't want to dissapoint her but... - May 11th 2010, 12:35 AM

If you can afford it, go to college and study something that you enjoy. Things rarely work out as planned, so it's better to be safe than sorry. What if you don't get married? What if you do get married, but then decide you want to move (so that your husband can find a better job)? What if the cost(s) of living is higher in that new city/town, and you can't sell the first house right away? You never know when you might need an additional source of income, either when you're raising children or after they've left the nest.






   
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