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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
fall to romance Offline
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Angry Ended a friendship today... - May 18th 2010, 12:06 PM

I don't like that I did, but I just couldn't be friends with this person anymore. Over the course of 4 days, she had crossed every single one of my boundaries. She had completely taken advantage of me and made my entire family feel uncomfortable. I can deal with people talking bad about me behind my back. I can deal with liars and cheats, or even people going back on their word....I cannot tolerate what she put me through.

I had agreed to help her move because she asked for help. I'm that type of person who'll do whatever I can to help someone. She had originally told me that it was going to be overnight on Friday. That was fine because then I'd still be free to celebrate my sister's graduation. That was a big deal for me to be able to partake in the celebrations since she was the first in our family to graduate from college. But by the time Friday came around, everything she told me became, "Oh by the way..." and she gave me some excuse to hang around me longer. She somehow weaseled her way into my family's plans for the entire weekend. In the process, she completely dismantled the plans that we had and made my sister so furious with me.

And as I said, over the course of the four days, she had crossed every single one of my boundaries. She told me she never thought I'd end a friendship over a bad weekend. This is what I told her in response:
"I'm not ending this friendship because of one bad weekend. I'm ending it because there were too many lines crossed for me.

1)No one ever comes between my sister and me. Yes she and I have our arguments, but that is for us to worry about and no one else. And I hurt her too much this weekend to be okay with. Not even my best friends get in between us, so there is no way someone hardly more than an acquaintance is going to get away with calling her a bitch to my face.

2)No one ever tells me how to deal with my cat. That may sound crazy, but I did say that my pets are my babies. My cat will do whatever she wants when she wants, and I'm not ever going to trap her in my room overnight.

3)Everyone who knows even a little about me knows not to bring up the topic of pit bulls. As I said, I have been fighting for pit bull right since I was six. Unless you've also got 13-14 years of researched knowledge and personal experience, just don't bring it up. I feel too passionately about it. Once again, my pets are the MOST IMPORTANT people in my life. That is never going to change. My pets are one of the very few reasons I'm still alive today. I know you were trying to agree with me on this topic, but that's not at all how your first statement sounded.

4)If I'm sick, leave me alone. Rest is the best thing for someone who's sick. If I might be sleeping, knock lightly. If I don't answer, don't come in and wake me up.

5)Don't assume you can eat whatever you find unless you're told otherwise.

6)Don't take things (i.e. my computer) without asking. As I said, that is my personal property that I'm paying for myself. It may be the most important thing I own. It's the only way I can stay in contact with family, friends, world news, do homework, watch tv, write my novels, and promote my art. In short, my computer is my lifeline.

7)I know you only asked me to borrow my ipod, but that too is like my lifeline. I can't function on a basic human level without it. I need it to sleep, to concentrate on homework, to deal with my depression...It may sound obsessive, but music is my soul and I wouldn't be here without it. Like I said a few months ago, My Chem and Fall Out Boy (or just music in general) has saved my life. My ipod is like a vital organ for me. It doesn't ever leave my side.

8)My family may be crazy and we may have our disagreements, but they're my family. Their opinions and feelings are important to me, as is their well-being. I will always put them before friends. So if my stepdad was angry about this ordeal, if my mom and grandma were also upset, if they were all uneasy, that matters to me. My grandma is a very lenient person and doesn't easily judge people, but if she thought you crossed a line this weekend, that means a lot to me.

These things are in their own way the most important thing to me. These things pretty much define my life, so of course I'm going to be highly protective of these boundaries. Over the course of this weekend, you have overstepped every one of these boundaries, yes I know it was unintentional. I understand that this is just who you are, and I'm not faulting you for it. I'm just saying that it would be better if we weren't friends."

She also called me cold and chalice for sending her a private message over Facebook instead of talking to her to her face. Barring the fact that she was on her way to Portland, here's why I wrote her a letter: "I'm sorry that you feel I was being cold and chalice by sending you a private facebook message. However, I want you to understand that this is the best way for me to express myself. Had I called you or pulled you aside over the weekend, I would have ended up losing control or saying something that I would have later regretted. The written word is my forte. By writing you a letter, I'm able to fully express what I need to in the right words. I have the ability to express clearly what I need to say in a way that is less likely to hurt someone. Maybe you hadn't realized, but I really don't know how to express myself in person. I don't always know how to say what I need to when I need to. Words just come to me more easily when I'm writing. Writing also keeps me calm with a clear head. I can compartmentalize my emotions and get the point across easier. My writing you a letter was by no means a sign of cowardice, resentment, or disrespect."

Oh, and I have yet to mention that she decided it was a good idea to lie to me in her response and say that she had told me from the very beginning that it was over the entire weekend, that it was my plans that were always changing, and that I never told her all of my plans, and that she has never called my sister a bitch. And then she blamed all of her "bad behavior" on me. I'm still trying to figure out how I'm responsible for her actions.

Needless to say, I don't need someone like this in my life. I won't stand for being taken advantage of in anyway. I won't stand for someone disrespecting my family or pets. I will not stand for someone disrespecting myself. My family and I deserve more than that. No one is ever going to tell me what to do or how to live my life. If they ever try, they're definitely not going to be part of my life for long. I don't care if it's unintentional or not. I do not need someone like that in my life.


-B
--

R.I.P. my sweet baby boy. I miss you so much more than you could have ever imagined.


"There was a moment in my life when I really wanted to kill myself. And there was one other moment when I was close to that. . . . But even in my most jaded times, I had some hope.-Gerard Way
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Ended a friendship today... - May 18th 2010, 12:52 PM

I simply wanted to say that I read through all of this, and I'm quite proud of you for standing up for your rights and ending the relationship.

I once had a female friend who was, in short, incredibly good at pressing my buttons and pushing my boundaries, crossing several lines on a regular basis, sometimes all at once. Yet for some reason, I tolerated it. I put up with her manipulative games, even played them occasionally. I put up with her compulsive lies. I put up with her almost constantly flaking on me to go get completely trashed, and then I put up with her drunk dialing, her calling me when she was high out of her mind, and I supported her through almost every come down. I supported her through her physically and emotionally abusive relationship, helped her tap into her inner strength and overcome her fears of leaving him. I supported her when she was sleeping around and began building back her self-confidence. etc. I supported her through everything, all of which she thanked me for, and that gratitude kept me coming back, no matter how many times she pinned her negative behaviour, situations, etc. on to me (there were times she blamed me for her drinking and drug habits ).

She visited me for my birthday (she lived a couple states away), and I'll admit, it was great. We did argue at one point. My sister and I had gotten into a bit of a tiff so I walked away from the situation to calm down. She followed me and demanded to know what was wrong. I told her I needed to take five to calm down, then I'd talk to her about it later. She kept bugging me about it - "why won't you tell me?" "seriously, tell me what's wrong" etc. - before I finally snapped and said sternly (I wouldn't even say meanly), "I said I needed a five minute breather. Please respect that." She then stormed off. When I re-joined the group of her, my sister and my sister's friend, she wouldn't look at me, crossed her arms, sulked, wouldn't talk to me, etc. so I began texting her. All of a sudden she veers off and stomps in the other direction - didn't respond to anyone's calling her back and so on, so we let her go. I gave my sister and her friend the money for the activity in which we were going to partake and left to go take a walk and figure things out.

It wasn't long before I got a text from her that said "if you decide to stop ignoring me (a wtf moment for me ), then I'm on the pier. You can meet me there because I'm certainly not coming after you." Not knowing what else to do, I went to meet her where I was, again, ignored. I sat on the same bench, tried sitting down and talking to her about what happened, but the most she'd do was shrug her shoulders. I called my mother in tears, not sure of what to do, and she listened intently to the phone call which had been my intention. After getting off the phone, she puts on a beaming smile and says "so are we gonna have fun or what?" and so I stood up and followed her. I was still sniffling from crying, so she turns around and tells me to "stop being a baby" and to "stop crying." I sucked it up, but as soon as I had, she turns round and goes, "you pull your shit again, I'm packing up everything and going to a hotel and not talking to you for the rest of the trip." I started crying, she smiled at me, then pranced off in the opposite direction. After that, the day went fine.

That was how our relationship worked, after all. We'd argue. She'd be impossible to communicate with. She'd mercilessly attack me. She'd make me go to extreme lengths to cater to her wants and "needs." Then she'd blame everything on me, scream at me for my wrong doing, I'd cry, apologise, beg her back into my life (she often threatened to leave), tell her I needed her, she'd smile or laugh or say something condescending (to me, at the time, it was rewarding) and things would be good until our next argument. We argued probably several times a week for the better of three years, but I always tolerated it and loved her just the same. That changed, however, the moment she got back to her state. During an argument, she told me, point blank, that my family was selfish. Why? Because when we communicate with one another, we use the terms "I feel," "I thought," "I felt," etc. Believe it or not, that method of communication works well for us and for a lot of other people. It certainly works better than screaming and pointing fingers.

When I refuted her point, however, she proceeded to tell me that she couldn't believe I couldn't see how self-centred my family was. This was after my mother had spent over a grand on her four day trip. I didn't have income, I was still young, so my mother paid for most of our activities. This didn't include gas money, and it didn't include driving time. This was at a time when her business was still very, very new. She was still working long, hard hours, hours we needed to bring in enough money to put food on the table, yet she did all this for my birthday, because it's what I wanted for my 16th. So someone please, enlighten me, how the hell is that selfish? It's an example of one of the many selfless acts my mother has done. Sure, she can be selfish, but we can all be selfish sometimes (it's a given and acceptable right, in my honest opinion), but she's an extremely generous woman and the amount of time and money she spent on me and this girl only proved it. So I essentially told her to fuck off, to never contact me again and to get the hell out of my life. Say what you want about me, do what you want to me, but bring my family or friends into it, and your chances go from a billion to zero.

She tried contacting me afterward, telling me she'd taken up heroin, needed my help, etc. but remembering her past addictions, my ability to do anything about them, etc., I refused to even respond to the e-mail. Not to mention I didn't want to get sucked back into her negativity or the abuse of that relationship, which I knew is what would happen if I even attempted to help her. She then wrote me again blaming me, saying it was obvious I no longer cared (this was far from the truth), and saying some pretty horrible things about me that included her saying something along the lines of "I get it. I'm just one more person you're kicking out of your life so you can then turn round and tell people I abandoned you." Which wasn't the case at all. I was actually quite proud of ending my relationship with her, and as such, took a prideful responsibility for cutting off contact.

About six months down the line, I contacted her to see how she was doing. She'd met someone new, and she'd given this person credit for everything she'd previously given me credit for. She flaunted in my face about how she was completely clean because of this boy, how he'd helped her overcome so much, how he was the one who helped her through old, abusive relationships, etc. Practically everything she thanked me for when we were still close friends, she then turned round and rubbed my nose in the fact "he had done it" like she'd rub a dog's nose in its own piss. She did it smugly and arrogantly, but I still loved her, so I let it go. We continued talking casually. She made a few nasty, digging comments, but these were ignored. It wasn't until she got incredibly nasty towards me that I realised she wasn't going to change, and she's now blocked off everything. She can tell whomever the hell she likes that I "abandoned" her. Maybe I did, but for good reason and I'm proud I finally left the relationship. I deserved better than that, and so do you. The problem is the girl in my life and this girl in yours will probably never see it, but we do, and that's what's important.

I didn't mean to dump this whole story on you. I guess I was saying that I could relate to someone pushing all the wrong buttons in all the wrong ways and having to end the relationship because of "one bad weekend" (like I said, I tolerated everything up until the point she started criticising my family). So I know how difficult a feat it can be, and I feel you should definitely proud to know you stuck to your morals and personal values and ended something that crossed all those lines in all the wrong places.

Good job, even though I know situations like these are toughies.
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Ended a friendship today... - May 18th 2010, 07:57 PM

Thank you so much, Elliotte! Even for your story. That helped me to realize that I'm not the only one who's let a friend take advantage of them, which in turn helped me to not feel so guilty about everything.

I know that this girl will most likely never understand why I won't tolerate her crossing the lines that she did. I've done my best to explain myself (when I really didn't have to, that was more just me being courteous). I told her that I'm not mad at her, but I understand if she's furious with me. I told her how sorry I was for everything, that I didn't want to hurt her or let bad feelings come from this, but I couldn't be her friend any longer.

As you said, it was really tough. I don't like hurting people's feelings and this was the first friendship I've ever had to verbally end (others just drifted away). I didn't like that I had to do it, but like you said, once someone starts having a go at my family, that's it. I can take pretty much anything thrown at myself, but if you start attacking my family or my pets, there's not a chance in the burning pit of Hades that we can remain friends. They are the most important things in my life and I'll protect them in any way I possibly can.

Again, thank you for your comment. Thank you for your support. And thank you for reading through my ridiculously long post. There was just so much that I had to say to even begin to describe the situation properly.


-B
--

R.I.P. my sweet baby boy. I miss you so much more than you could have ever imagined.


"There was a moment in my life when I really wanted to kill myself. And there was one other moment when I was close to that. . . . But even in my most jaded times, I had some hope.-Gerard Way
   
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Re: Ended a friendship today... - May 19th 2010, 02:26 PM

I applaud the both of you and only hope that I can be someday as strong as you both are.
   
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