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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Kristy Offline
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Unhappy Update kind of. - May 24th 2010, 12:08 AM

If any of you read my other thread, you'd know I have issues with my father. He's started to provoke me now-- like today, I was drying cooking scissors, and my dad came up behind me with a cold coke and put it against my leg. I got mad saying he was annoying and he shouldn't do that when I have scissors in my hands (because it's dangerous, I could have cut myself). Then he started saying things like, "You want to stab me with those scissors don't you? Be honest, say it." Of course I stayed silent.. and my mom told him to stop. He knows that I want to kill him, but I don't want to start any drama and make my mom pay the price. This isn't the first time he's said something like that.
Many of you told me to get help from the police, but I don't know... I don't really want to. He still hasn't done anything wrong.. in a sense. Nothing illegal I suppose.
I've got another feeling I want to talk about. Loneliness. I love my mom more than you can imagine. I want to spend more time with her.. but I only see her once a week (she works fulltime) and when she's home, she's always out buying us groceries (since my dad won't do it). My dad... I wish he'd work so I'd see him less. And my friends (I don't really feel all that close to them), they invite me out sometimes to the park or mall. In the end, I never go since I don't have a ride and their parents can't take me (don't want to ask my dad). I stay at home all day (besides school). From the time I get home, I stay secluded in my room. All day.. on the computer looking for things to interest me. I can't stand it, feels like I'm going insane. I can't even imagine how I'm going to feel this summer break. My two closest friends are going to Florida all summer break. I have summer school anyway... so I guess I'll be busy.

Advice please? I don't want to go to the police... since it's not that bad.
And I could use some advice on the loneliness issue.

Oh and, my dad has jury duty so he can't get a job at the moment (he usually truckdrives out of state). Once that's over with, I'm sure he's going to come up with another excuse to not get a job. Like before, he says the economy is bad so no one will hire him. I know that's a lie. His old company offered him his job back but he declined it. Because of him not buying food (but eating ALL of it while I'm at school) and instead buying cigarettes, we've run out of money. I barely eat lately. I eat little snacks of what I can find. At school, they won't let me charge (I can't pay them) so I go without eating. I also don't eat breakfast (don't have time in the mornings). So I only have a good meal once a week when my mom is home and cooks for me after buying groceries. I'm becoming very unhealthy (sitting around all day, besides doing the laundry and dishes) and I need some advice on that too please.
Also, about the cigarettes.. he's too lazy to buy them himself so he calls my mom while she's working to buy a pack on her way home. He's such a jerk. A FREELOADER UGHH. THAT'S WHAT HE IS. And she just follows every little demand. It makes me furious. But I can't get mad since I'm in the same position as her. She told me to just do what he asks so we can keep living a somewhat normal life.

Also! (sorry for making this so long) xD I want to send my mom to Japan. I want her to live there with her mom or sister. I'm sure it would make her life 100x easier... but we don't have the money. I can't drive, so I can't get a "good" job. Advice on this would be GREAT as well.

Wow, not sure where this thread really goes since there are so many issues all in one.

Last edited by Kristy; May 24th 2010 at 12:44 AM.
   
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Re: Update kind of. - May 24th 2010, 07:20 AM

Hi, don't know you, haven't read your stuff before, but I'm nosey so I'll post anyhow (and go read the others in a sec).

Wow... that's quite a portrait you're painting. It's one thing to be in this position where you feel like your dad is barely doing anything but still managing to slowly suffocate you and your mother... but for him to know how you feel and just throw it in your face like that? I bet there's just a volcano full of anger and pain welling up inside you and it sounds like you rarely get any relief from it, what with being stuck at home most of the time with him constantly right. And I guess that's the loneliness thing you brought up, so it sounds like you're fully feeling this need to put some distance between him and you, provided it isn't at the expense of your mom.

Heh, see, now I'm regretting not reading the other posts first, because I don't know whether there's something police-worthy in there. But then, you seem to be pretty clear that you've got some big hesitations about calling them in... are you worried that they'll agree that "it's not that bad"?... that would be pretty heartbreaking and scary, if you had built up the courage to call. Is it maybe that you're worried about what rocking the boat will do?... maybe that it might make things worse with your dad, or maybe hurt your mom somehow? I just hope that if you really felt that either you or your mom was in danger that you'd call, if he got violent, for example.

I bet this has been weighing pretty heavily on you, though, and not just emotionally... The way you describe his spending and scratching his butt at home are really draining the house's cash flow, the way you're having to eat now sounds like it could start affecting you physically as well. That's kind of important... is there someone you trust that you could talk to about how you could make sure you're eating a little better?...

Come to think of it, are there other adults in the picture at all?... like family that know what your dad is doing, or counsellors, or social workers or something?

Nice to meet you, btw.
   
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Re: Update kind of. - May 26th 2010, 08:21 PM

Nice to meet you too
Sorry for the late response.

Let's see... I don't have any close adults I can talk with except for my mom. Now it's too late to talk to my school counselor because today is the first day of summer break. I guess I waited too long xD
I'm actually kinda wanting to go to summer school (weird right?) so I can meet new people maybe.. and get some time out of the house.

And the police thing.. I'm not sure. Sometimes I can talk to my dad normally for a few minutes, but then it gets awkward. At times like that, I feel like.. maybe he can still change. But it's just wishful thinking. UGH, it's like a roller coaster, you know what I mean?? For a few years, I've been sensing that he must have anger management issues. Just the tiniest issues, for example, me using my parents shower instead of mines, he'll explode! Or forgetting to cover the front door cracks with a towel (to not let the pollen in the house). Maybe he's even a bit bipolar. I was talking naturally with him once (and I got that "maybe he can change" feeling) and then he snaps at me all of a sudden because I accidentally left my hair drying towel in his bathroom. Is it really that bad? And 90% of the time I see him, he's mad. After playing xbox for maybe 30 minutes, he's already screaming and cussing at random players in the microphone (which I find it to be ridiculous). He's almost 50 years old for crying out loud!! ): Most of our chats are just me listening to him ramble on and on about his racism and/or political issues.

I'm going to be volunteering at my mom's job (yay for dishwashing and job experience...), so I think I'll be able to eat a good meal daily for the summer

Bahhh, now I'm totally stressing over a new thing. Lost my cat. Life sucks huh?

Last edited by Kristy; May 26th 2010 at 08:45 PM.
   
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Re: Update kind of. - May 27th 2010, 07:24 AM

Hey again!

Too bad about the school counsellor... there's still a few weeks left around here so I wasn't sure. And I think after all you've said, summer school makes a TON of sense for exactly the reasons you mentioned. Frankly, you almost sound upbeat about it.... despite the weirdness, are you actually a lil excited?

So okay, you've got these feelings that you have that your dad may have some serious issues going on. I can totally understand how that can make you feel like you're walking on eggshells all the time. It certainly sounds like you've tried talking to him more than once and that he only seems to stay 'normal' for a few minutes at a time... I guess that's part of where the hope that he'll change comes from, but it really seems like things at home just feel like you're sitting on a bomb waiting to explode. :-/

I'm super glad to hear that volunteering will help you out for food... that's an awfully important thing to handle. One bit of advice: In the short term, it might be worth your while to think about - depending on how you're feeling you could talk it out with your mom too - what you might do if ever things get really hairy... like I said before, if your dad got violent or something. Just to think out places where you could go (I think you mentioned that your g-dad's place was an option, but not real good one). Never hurts to be prepared for a worst case scenario.

I'm a lil worried because (as you can prolly tell) I went back and read your other posts and it sounded like you and your mom are kinda trying to "wait it out" until you move out so that you can both move on to better things. Are you feeling as though that's going to be your plan for the long term?

And I'm sorry to hear about your cat... that does suck. Hope it comes home soon!
   
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Re: Update kind of. - May 27th 2010, 09:45 AM

This is a rather lengthy response but I'd like to share a brief personal story that relates to your father's behavior patterns (i.e. the anger). Currently, there is an on-going situation with my grandparents that has kind of put our family ties with some of my uncles and my aunt in a blender. I'm not going to elaborate on what the exact issues are for they are many and irrelevant, however, the point is this: when you are in a relationship with someone that's causing you distress, trying to figure out the reason(s) for their behaviors is like trying to run up an oiled slide. We are humans and the relationship we have makes our attempts to justify their behaviors very difficult, it becomes frustrating and before you know it, your frustration is being picked up by them. You'll drive yourself down the rabbit hole so to keep yourself at peace, don't try to focus on thinking what is causing his anger.

For my grandparents, I realized this rather soon and left my parents, some uncles, cousin and aunt to deal directly with it. I was able to get a third-person view and from that, things become clearer much, much easier but you have to essentially kill your prejudice and pre-existing emotions to them. In your situation though, you cant do this easily so I would not focus a lot on it.

I have not read your previous thread but from this thread, calling in the police probably wouldn't do much beneficial, if anything, depending on your father's actions, you could get in a lot of trouble, possibly be incarcerated. I'm not sure what your father has done to you so I cant quite say if he could be incarcerated or not. The reason why I mention incarceration is, in Canadian law, given the fact that you committed an indictable offense (attempted murder or whatever it was you did to try to kill him), that charge can be brought against you at any time. Whether or not you are found guilty depends on the evidence.

I'm not sure on this part though but since your father has the capability, credentials and offers to be employed but refuses so he cannot properly feed you, there could be something brought against him. I'm not sure on this one though.

During the school year, you could look into getting a job despite the extra work it'd carry. It would allow for money during the school year since you have the summer covered up already. It would also allow for a time to meet with new people, just like summer school would.
   
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Re: Update kind of. - May 28th 2010, 02:48 AM

@cowsgomoo:
I'm not sure if 'excited' is the right word (because school is school) xD but I am kinda happy to get out of the house. I'm the kind of person who likes frequent change, so who knows, summer school might be a good experience? Haha.
And I talk about my dad with my mom a lot actually. I try to keep her updated with how things are going at home since she's out all the time. She knows how much I despise my dad, but truthfully I don't think I "hate" him. When he makes me really mad, then I get into the hateful "I want to kill him" mood, but I believe this is normal to get upset?? The one time my dad really upset my mom and I, we woke up my sister and left the house. We decided to eat something and talk about the situation. My mom told me and my sister that the relationship between her and my dad is really strained. My mom would always tell me that he's not really a "bad guy", but now she's realized that the only reason we're still a family is that we pity him. He literally has no one else but us. Even his parents aren't really loving, which is probably why he is the way he is now.
As for our plan... I believe we are going to wait it out. I'm just having so many emotional issues, trying not to anger him (which is inevitable) and get through high school. That's why I'm questioning whether the plan I have is not the best option since he could become threatening at any time. But he's never hit me before in my entire lifetime, so maybe that's why I'm not too panicky on whether my life is in danger. He just destroys everything else... materialistic items. The other day he got pissed off and smashed his computer outside because it got a virus.

@WOW!USaidSomethingSmart!:
I can see you can relate to my issue since you've experienced family tension too. I have no idea why my dad is so stressed (started around the time I got into middle school), but it's very aggravating to have to listen to him whine and complain everyday. And it's still illegal for me to leave the house as you've probably already noticed. xD Should I just keep doing what I'm doing then? Trying to avoid making him mad and just get through two more years of school and then leave?
Oh and, I haven't literally tried to kill him, I just WANT to. And he knows it. I don't have the guts to kill... seeing as there would be blood (and a prison sentence). The only way I'd kill him would be with a gun, which my dad got rid of recently (probably because he knows I'd go for it).
I really doubt that the feeding problem would be an issue since my mom still works and gets money. If I could drive, I'd be able to go to the grocery store and buy it myself. If I was starving that badly, he would probably buy something at least. Last time he went to the store though, he came back with only beer and coke, which both of those I don't/can't drink.
   
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Re: Update kind of. - May 28th 2010, 06:05 AM

Heh, see, looking forward to summer school... that's the kind of optimism I can totally respect.

I'm really glad that you and your mom are tight like that... I bet you two have gotten each other through some really rough moments and I bet it's nice to know that you can rely on her if you need to talk things out.

If he hasn't been violent towards you yet and you don't feel directly threatened for the moment, I can kinda understand why you're not so panicked. I think it's encouraging that you three have had the instinct to leave the house when a limit got pushed... so at least the instinct to react to stuff is still there, rather than just "we'll stay here for the next two years no matter what". I'd still encourage you to come up with a "just in case" plan, but I think I'm harping now.

Getting back to your first post, I guess it'd be nice to be able to get out of the house outside of school every now and again, eh? Since getting a ride isn't really an option, what's close by?
   
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Re: Update kind of. - May 29th 2010, 09:32 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kristy View Post
I can see you can relate to my issue since you've experienced family tension too. I have no idea why my dad is so stressed (started around the time I got into middle school), but it's very aggravating to have to listen to him whine and complain everyday. And it's still illegal for me to leave the house as you've probably already noticed. xD Should I just keep doing what I'm doing then? Trying to avoid making him mad and just get through two more years of school and then leave?
For my grandparents, although they did blend up some family ties, they have been remended. They're not as strong as before, although they are stronger with my grandmother than grandfather but both are still weakened ties. They got strengthened not through us turning our backs and more or less ignoring them but rather by seeing that previous approaches were not working so we tried other ones that did work.

As you said to cowsgomoo, your dad gets angry easily so he's going to get mad even if you aren't causing it. I agree with not trying to piss him off because it just makes the home more irritating to be in so try to still help him out. I'm not sure what stressed him out seeing as you know more of him than I do, so try to help him out and don't react with anger to his anger. If you wish, try to figure out the cause of his stress. More often than not, we blame others and not ourselves so in looking for the cause, don't focus on others exclusively, focus on yourself also because whatever happened does involve you directly or indirectly.

While living there, try to get out of the house not simply to be away from him but to get some fresh air, see that other humans exist and not in the virtual way only. If there's a park, a mall, hell simply volunteer if you cant get a paying job as it looks just as if not better on your resume. Perhaps babysit, if you're good in school then try for tutoring, list goes on.

If you want, leave after the two years but I wouldn't go out being all "fuck you, I'm free sucka" because as much as one may dislike someone else who lives with them, when that person leaves, at first one may be glad but usually you end up missing them. So keep the door open with him, don't shut it.
   
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