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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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TakeTheLeap Offline
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Name: Emily
Age: 30
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Posts: 1,309
Join Date: January 5th 2009

Question Brother's Baby to Arrive Soon... - May 27th 2010, 05:52 AM

Okay guys... This is going to be a long one, so bare with me...

The background info:
People -
Bobby: My brother. Typical "manwhore." Currently engaged to Andrea.
Nikki: Bobby's ex. 7 months pregnant with his baby. She already has a little boy from a previous relationship (she was 15 when she got pregnant, 16 when she had the baby). She doesn't have a job, she's on welfare, and has trouble supporting herself and Taven. Now, she'll have to support Connor as well.

The story:
Back in October, my brother (Bobby) was dating this girl, Nikki (I'm not quite sure how long they were dating, but I'd guess about 4 months). My brother is 22, and she is 17 (yes, it's illegal in Virginia). Come to find out... She finds out she's pregnant shortly after they break up. Come to find out, she had started dating someone right after breaking up with my brother and they became sexually active right away.
My brother has been denying (to my parents only) that this baby is his, but the timeline is too wishywashy to tell. Nikki will be having a paternity test right after baby Connor is born.
In the same month, my brother started dating Andrea, and they are currently engaged. He has no ties to Nikki except this baby. He doesn't want to be with her at all. Now, obviously, if the paternity test says it's his, he really needs to help support her and their baby - the sad part is, he doesn't have a job and is living with and mooching off of my parents.

The dilemma:
I'm pretty sure he's the father (there have been things both he and Nikki have said that point to that, and he doesn't seem to deny it except around Mom and Dad). Which will make me Connor's aunt.
So what am I supposed to do as an aunt? I know my job isn't to support Nikki and the babies financially. I'm not going to be a constant babysitting service, and I'm not going to constantly buy things for them. My parents are the exact same way - even though they'd be grandparents, their role would be questionable.
I know the baby shouldn't be punished for Nikki and Bobby's stupid mistake. I know that neither of them are ready to have children - they're not responsible enough. I'm kind of scared for how she would raise the child. I feel the necessity to kind of step in as another motherly figure to give the baby something stable. Yet, I have no connection with the baby, and I know it's not my job to be a mother.
Nikki has invited my family to come to the hospital for the delivery; I'm not sure about this one. Is it because she really wants Connor to have a connection with his family, or is it because she wants something out of it herself (like money)? I'm really questioning this whole thing...

I don't know where to go from here. What do I do?

“Don't get too comfortable with who you are at any given time. You may miss the opportunity to become who you want to be." ~Jon Bon Jovi

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PSY Offline
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Re: Brother's Baby to Arrive Soon... - May 28th 2010, 05:19 AM

I would suggest that your parents contact a family attorney. If they're going to have any role in their grandson's (and your nephew's) life, they'll have to take legal action right from the get-go. They may be able to earn visitation rights, even if your brother wants nothing to do with Nikki.

You don't have a financial obligation to this child, so please don't ever feel like you have to fork over cash in order to keep Connor well cared for. If you ever suspect that Nikki is abusing or neglecting Connor, you can contact CPS and ask them to launch an investigation.

I think it would be a good idea to ask Nikki what she would like. Perhaps she only wants her side of the family to be involved. Perhaps she doesn't want anything to do with your family (save for child support from your brother). Perhaps she doesn't even want financial support, if it means she has to see your brother. You won't know until you sit down and discuss things.

I'm sorry to hear that you've been put in this situation, Emily. In most cases like this, SOMEONE gets hurt. Hopefully, all of you can come to an agreement, one that will be in Connor's best interests.

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