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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Hit Where It Hurts - May 30th 2010, 03:34 AM

I understand I'm going to sound selfish and quite possibly like a horrible person for even writing this rant, but I need to get it off my chest and figured TH would be the place to do it.

Basically, I've been friends for years with this girl in Canada. We haven't met, but it's something we've discussed on multiple occasions, and something we've planned on doing for a while now. I'm currently financially unable to visit her, because of the situation with my boyfriend and a trip I've had planned to Europe (in September) for a while, and she claimed to be financially unable to visit me. She's said before that I would only have to cover air fare, that she'd put me up for a week or two whilst I was there, etc. but even then, I still don't have the money at this point in time. That being said, I have also offered her the same - she pays air fare, and I can put her up at my house for however long she decides to stay.

But even with this offer, there were always reasons she couldn't go. Whether it had to do with the distance or the fact her family wouldn't approve, whether it had to do with the fact she couldn't afford it, whether it wouldn't fit into her schedule, yadda yadda. Essentially, there was always a reason for why it wouldn't work. And admittedly, we haven't talked as often as I'd have liked in the past several months. It's been mostly through e-mail and the occasional IM conversation, mainly because she's never on MSN. But today, we did have the chance to speak, and one of the first thing she discloses is that she's working out the details to visit a friend in Texas and in Michigan.

She shared with me that she'd been wanting this friend from Texas, who she's also never met before, to come up and see her, but this friend from Texas was not financially able so now she's doing whatever she can to go down to Texas in order to see this friend. This friend won't put her up but will pay for her motel, and this friend from Michigan has agreed to meet her halfway or summat. And I'm sitting here halfway between "what the fuck" and "lolwut" because for years, she's been promising over and over again that as soon as one of us is able to visit the other, we'll meet. We're close as sisters, close as fucking blood relatives, but this has honestly thrown me for a complete loop. Unless I've been blocked off her MSN, I can't imagine she and this friend from Texas correspond anymore than she and I do, and I feel that that's what hurts.

For so long, she/we promised that whether I go to Canada or she comes to the US, we would be the first on each other's lists to visit, and I learn she's coming to the US to see not one but two people, both of whom are not me. And I realise this is selfish, and I realise I sound like a spoilt five-year-old throwing a fucking tantrum, and I do realise that promises do not mean forever and that things change, but I am still very, very heartbroken by her decision. I feel jealous and I feel resentful, and I hate feeling as though someone else has taken my place. She made the promise so bloody often that I started believing it, and the fact I fell 100% for it makes me feel like a fool on top of things, especially since I was still working out ways to get to Canada to see her.

I sent her an e-mail about it, explaining how it's made me feel, but that's not going to change anything. If anything at all, it'll give me an explanation for why she's going, but it's not going to change how hurt and angry I am about the situation. I really feel as though I've been stung, slapped twice in the face, and I'm not sure how to deal with it. I'll be the first to admit I have a very overreactive rejection nerve that, when triggered, can cause me to feel and think very irrationally, but though it's something I'm working on, it's something I'm not quite over, and so the feelings are still very real and extreme to me. I've been crying off and on about it all fucking day and it's pathetic, but this girl was perhaps my best female friend, my best online friend (with the exception of one other), and... gah. I'm not sure what to make of this - at all.
   
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Re: Hit Where It Hurts - June 1st 2010, 02:45 AM

I'm so sorry to hear about this. =( I know that a lot can change when you don't talk to a friend for several months at a time, but that's still a crappy situation to be in. I'm glad that you felt strong enough to send her an e-mail about how you feel. Yes, she won't be able to change her plans at the last minute, but at least she'll know how badly she's hurt you. Some people just SAY that they'd love to visit, because they know it makes you feel good. Perhaps this will be your chance to discover if that's been the case in your relationship, or if she honestly just didn't have you in mind when she made her plans (which is still bad, but not AS bad).






   
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Re: Hit Where It Hurts - June 3rd 2010, 07:01 AM

She hasn't responded which leads me to believe she's either angry with me (not sure why she would be) or she's ignoring me. Normally, she'll respond to my e-mails within 24 hours. We're very, very good at e-mail correspondance despite our not having regular "chat-time" on MSN, but there's been nothing, not a word...

I've been feeling really paranoid about this relationship, because it literally was up until this last minute that she's been promising me she wants to/will do whatever she can to come see me etc. and I think what stung most about this, too, was that she's doing all this so she can celebrate her birthday with this friend from Texas. I hate to sound selfish, but for several months, we'd be planning to do something for her birthday if at all possible. This reminds me of the package she sent me, the letter, neither of which I received and both she claimed must have gotten "lost in the mail" despite the fact mine made it to hers within a reasonable amount of time. It reminds me of some of the inconsistencies in her past stories. etc. But all of that is behind us now.

Right now, it's this one issue, this one silly issue, that's completely hurt my feelings if even I shouldn't let it. I mean, shouldn't I have seen this coming? I was almost always the one to e-mail first, so perhaps that means something about how she feels for me or what she hopes for our friendship, yet when I confronted her about this as well (a little while ago), she said she still sees me as her sister and her best friend and she truly regrets not being able to spend more time talking with me, that she's been busy with work yadda yadda. And I guess I've held on wanting to believe her, because I've always been honest with her so expected her honesty, or most of her honesty, in return, but even then, people can still lie...

Sometimes I wonder if her excuses aren't reasons so much as they are ways of hiding behind the fact that things have changed; maybe she simply doesn't want to say it. But I wish I could get a straight answer out of her, I really do. We hit a rough patch once before, where I distanced myself from her, but we've both talked about it at length, sorted it out, fixed it, and I've been living under the illusion that things have been back to normal again (this issue where I distanced myself was ages ago). But maybe I'm wrong?

I would say "maybe I should write her another letter - one more," but what if it goes unanswered? What if she responds in the same manner she responded to the other one? How long am I going to keep putting up with this? I know the answer that immediately comes to mind, for me, is "until I know," but is that something I can ever hope to achieve? Or do I really need to make an educated guess and move on based off that assumption?
   
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Re: Hit Where It Hurts - June 3rd 2010, 09:56 AM

she does not wanna come ...........then what the heck? the best thing in my opinion in suck situation is not even letting it bother you ..........how ? do something extremely amazing and enjoy ur time ..........do something you like, have other friends, beside ur going to EUROPE.......think about that, and send her the photos of la tour Effel et toi.....
the good part , with time, and more situations like this that nerve gets less and less sensitive...........
   
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Re: Hit Where It Hurts - June 6th 2010, 02:16 AM

I'm sorry about what is going on, I'm glad that your getting it off your chest. You did the write thing to email her. Just try & wait till you get her email respeonce for allittle while longer kay? You may never know what is going on. Maybe theirs somthing she's not telling you? It sounds like their is. From what you've described you have every right to be angery. But it really sounds like thiers something she's not telling you & maybe she's affarid that'll you judge her. Try not to be so rash , but keep venting till it's all out. Just don't go off on her.
   
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Re: Hit Where It Hurts - June 6th 2010, 04:26 AM

I don't plan on going off on her. I care too much for her for that. We've only ever had one major argument, and that's in years of having been friends, so I feel we do have a decent communication, if even we've fallen out of touch a couple times in the past. I'm more likely to go off on someone else (not at the person but venting about the situation) and I'd rather I vent about it, to TH and/or to friends, than throw a tantrum/fit on her. I still haven't received a response, and I'm starting to wonder if I ever will. I've had time to calm/cool down, and it's almost as if I no longer even care about what happens or the situation at hand; I simply want to hear her side of the story...

Thank you for the advice.
   
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