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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Goatboy Offline
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Question dad issues (this weird lol) - June 1st 2010, 10:47 PM

OK I'm not sure how I should word this, because I have no idea what I actually think about this. For the most part I've should shrugged this issue off, and well just laughed about it. Because to me this is pointless, a waste of time, and too the truth I have no understanding of it. So...
Me and my dad have always had a very odd relationship – if you can call it a relationship at all. We don't really talk to each other, and never really interact. He simply has no place in my life. And no I don't have a father-shaped hole. I just seem too have no father err thingy, because I never have felt like I've had one., and never felt the need for a father figure. The ironic thing being that I've always been in the same house as my dad, but like I said before we don't interact. For the most part I never really see him. Thus I have no understanding of him, and he has no understanding of me. So when we do interact things are very complicated. We are essentially complete strangers to each other.
Ok so this doesn't really tell you much, and I'm not asking for advice on our whole relationship, but rather a particular situation I have had the misfortune to find myself in.

(This part is rather unimportant, but hey I'll keep it anyway – so you can skip it)

OK so yesterday me and my dad actually interacted with each other, and it went well. There were no issues. However other things meant that at the time I was rather stressed, though I kept this to myself. Anyway, because of my stress I didn't really sleep. I was awake all morning, but chose to rest in my bed. Eventually I did get up (as you kinder have to), and when I did I was home alone. So no contact with my dad. I then went to a friends and had a absolutely fantastic time. So contrary to last night I was in a very good-mood and went home singing Paramore songs to myself. So far all good. When I got home I didn't really do much, just rested again and listened to some music. I then went on a walk with the dog, by then the majority of the day had gone without me even realizing. Still in a good mood, just by now quite tired from lack of sleep. By the time I got home I was actually late for supper. My mother had said that if I was late it was OK because of what she was cooking, so I thought nothing of it. Anyway when I opened the door my dad got up from the table. He looked pretty stressed out and said nothing. He took the dog from me, seeming to ignore me. So I decide to take my shoes off.

( read from here )

This is when it gets really weird. Whilst taking off my shoes, he suddenly starts verbally attacking me. No quite sure what to think I just act all casual. Probably a stressful day at work for him right? Anyway I wash my hands and then go to sit at the table to eat my food. He starts going on how he wish's me and my sister never existed, and that we deserve to die. (How kind of him). He has done this a lot, ever since I can remember. I try to ignore him, but he keeps going on, he seemed a bit obsessed about me dieing lol. I however found this all a bit funny. Well if he doesn't want to be a parent, why have two children and go to church portraying yourself as a family-man (which he most definitively isn't). So I laugh, as I have no idea what he is going on about. Anyway I don't really need to say much more about this, except he left in a fury cursing and I decided I was no longer hungry. I then try to talk to my mum, but by now this is no longer a joke and I'm stressed out again. So my mum does what she usually does and talks like a broken record, repeating the same sentence to me, I try to get unto other things but it is impossible. So I leave the table and go to my room. I listen to some music by Maynard, and look at videos on the net. By now I've just given up, and just enjoy myself. What's the point of getting all worked up about it?

OK not sure if that was necessary but here is my dilemma:
By now I had been in my room for a while, and I was in a good mood again. Then my door opens, and instead of doing what he usually does (shouting at me about nothing), my dad just drops an envelope in my room. I think nothing of it and throw it on the floor – my music is more important
A while later I pick it up. And man is it weird. I won't go into what all it says – as it says a lot and I basically had to force myself to even read one sentence:
)In essence it says that because he himself had no father figure so has no idea about fathering. Well I already knew that.
)Next he actually says sorry. Which is weird because he usually refuses to say sorry to anyone, even my mother. In fact I've never heard him say the word. Just - “you deserve death”. lol
)He then goes into a load of rubbish about family *sigh*
)He tries to make sense of me and my mum's relationship, but just proves that he knows nothing.
)He the admits we don't have a relationship and pretty much implies we might never have one.
)He then uses his anger as an excuse for what he has said in the past.
)He then bizarrely says he is proud of me, which is new as he has never complimented me before.
) He also talks about injustice in the world. By now I am really confuzzled lol
)He then mentions about me leaving Christianity. And basically says a load of bullshit – proving again he is simply guessing and has no clue.

My issues about this letter are:
A| I have no idea about what is behind this letter
B| It merely proves that we know nothing about each other
C| It proves he is unable to say anything positive to my face. So he must resort to dropping a letter in my room and running away. Meaning he is unable to communicate himself to me, and can't even be bothered to speak to me face to face. His own son for goodness sake, Can't he just say - “Hi, lets forget that happened” or something on the lines of “I don't want you to die, lets live in peace whilst under the same roof”. He needn't say more.
D| I have no feelings for him. Neither positive or negative. So what am I meant to think of this?

Basically: what should I do next time I see him? Does this letter matter.? After all its just a piece of paper for goodness sake, how can any of the words mean a thing when he isn't willing to say them to my face?
OK I know I could have written this better. It's just I'm rather confused. And well he clearly doesn't have time to speak to me. And technically I don't have time to speak to him, as well I'm meant to be revising for the next two weeks when I have like two exams everyday. So what am I meant to do? Any ideas anyone? Anyone been in a similar situation? This is all really surreal for me lol
Hope I make sense

Life is a waterfall,
we're one in the river,
and one again after the fall.
We drink from the river,
then we turn around and put up our walls.
When you lose small mind,
you free your life.
When you free your eyes,
eternal prize.
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Re: dad issues (this weird lol) - June 2nd 2010, 01:18 AM

I could be completely wrong about this... but it sounds your father, for once in your life, is honestly attempting to develop a positive relationship with you. Not just ANY relationship, but a POSITIVE one. Otherwise, he wouldn't have put all that time and effort into the letter. No, he doesn't know anything about you... but it seems like he's trying to understand. He may be wrong about many things, but again, he's TRYING. Maybe he's hoping that you'll care enough to "correct" him.

Now, I don't know about you... but when I've discovered that I'm wrong about something important to me, I do NOT want to admit it to anyone. When I've held onto a belief or impression about someone for years and years, only to be proved wrong, that's difficult to bear. Your father has been wrong for well over a decade... heck, he's been COMPLETELY wrong. Nothing about his parenting style has been right thus far. So try to imagine, for just a moment, how difficult it would be for him to look you in the eyes and say "I was wrong" or "I've been a horrible parent". It's easy for you to say that he should be able to "man up" and "have the balls" to tell you in person, versus on a piece of paper... but that's not how most people are. It's not fair to say that his apology doesn't mean a thing because it was written versus spoken out loud. Love letters are just as profound as saying "I love you", so why can't that reasoning apply to other situations?

You've never known what it's like to have a father. You don't know if it's a good or bad thing, because frankly, this man hasn't been anything other than a source of financial support for the entirety of your life. I can't tell you what to do in this situation... but in my opinion, I think it's worth writing a letter in return, or talking to your father one-on-one about his letter to you. It could take months, or even years, to develop a more positive relationship with your father... but isn't it worth attempting? You may not have a "hole" to fill in your heart, but a real relationship could still benefit you in the long run.

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