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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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kite8k2 Offline
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My Best Friend (Divorce Issue) - June 16th 2010, 03:25 AM

Todays Story:
Okay so ive been a little avid these past months with coming on here and seeking advice about relationships ect ect and I have come to a fork in the road that ultimately just altered everything from this point forward.

Today I found out that my friends mom and dad are getting a divorce or talking about it...not sure which yet but it is happening in some form.

Today we were in class and she and I the day previously had a small issue. She had started to put me at a distance and kinda just ignored me all day long. This is (Just let me assure you) NOT NORMAL FOR HER. Her and I have been friends for a while now a year atleast and recently have been starting to move closer into what my mother calls a Courting Relationship. Well I went to talk to her today and she completely ignored me as if I was not even there today. So during out 10 minute break between Lab class I called her up and asked in the hall what was wrong and she said nothing. I replyed you have not said but maybe 15 words to me all day long something is wrong. Again she assures me something isnt wrong.

We go back to class to do lab in which we are partners and instead of doing our work with one another she completely does everything by herself. After class is over I sat there next to her and discussed when we need to come in to study we agreed on a day and made plans. Then she opened up for planner and wrote it down then wrote down on another day "Discuss Divorce". (Keep in mind I do not pry nor do I snoop I know her schedule all the time) So I asked her what is that about are you still taking a class about family and stuff and she says nothing. I take it as if she is snubbing me off like normal from earlier and said sorry if Im prying i'll leave you be. So I pack up my things and she does so as well and then pops off with, "If you really have to know my life is going to be completely changed now. My mom and dad are getting a divorce and my life is going to be ruined."

(Her mom and dad are Vietnamese and traditionally divorce is not a practice they believe in) I said i dont want to pry again and we leave the room and she begins cussing in her native language on the phone then hangs up and walks away. I stop her and ask her to talk to me because she has never been this way before. She told me to leave her alone and she wanted me to go away so I said im sorry if im trying to be that friend you said i was and regretfully stormed out of the school and we parted our ways.

Later at home she sent me a text saying she was sorry about being the way she was to someone who has always been there for her and that she was acting like a witch and didnt mean to. I replyed and told her it was alright emotions run deep and we get uncontrollable at those times so need to apologise.

My Question:
What do I do now. Ive been seeking a established relationship with her and now the game has changed I want to help her emotionally now and be there for her but am completely lost as in how to do this. Shes emotionally compromised and I have never seen her like this. When im around her shes always been so sweet and kind hearted but this is the first time I have ever seen FIRE in her eyes. I am scared for the relationship I have established with her friendship wise and relationship wise but more so scared about her family life.

Her father is abusive at times and I mean pysically abusive when he is angry and I fear for her safety and well being. She just turned 20 and cant move out because her family wont allow her to atm. What do I do. Only thing I have come up with on the net is just be there for her and listen but that isnt enough in this situation. My gut is telling me there is more but Im emotionally compromised myself on the issue. Any help would great this is a desprate time for me.
   
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Re: My Best Friend (Divorce Issue) - June 16th 2010, 06:39 AM

I think your doing great. Its good that your connecting with her emotionally, and I think you should let her know that you'll always be there for her in case her parents start screwing up her life. Im not sure if you like her like that, but you should always give her a shoulder to cry on regardless.
   
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Re: My Best Friend (Divorce Issue) - June 16th 2010, 02:44 PM

I do like her very much. Thats my problem is now that this has arisen im almost certain im going to have to put off my small advances to be her shoulder to cry on which isnt bad I would do anythign for her.

Ive always been there for her ever since we have met and we have been unseperateble until just yesterday. I honestly think yesterday that was the very first time I saw any sort of FIRE in her eyes.

Should I let her be and let her come to me or should I try to be there for her immediately? I dont want to pry nor do I want to smother her now. =(
   
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Re: My Best Friend (Divorce Issue) - June 16th 2010, 04:50 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by kite8k2 View Post
Should I let her be and let her come to me or should I try to be there for her immediately? I dont want to pry nor do I want to smother her now. =(
Don't pry or smother, but don't leave her entirely alone either. Try to let her know as much as you can that you're there for her and she can talk to you whenever she likes. Chances are that now is a time when she needs someone there more than ever, but she wont find it easy to open up immediately so give her a little space but make sure she knows she can turn to you anytime at all.

Try to be a good friend to her too. If she ignores you or is rude try to let it pass and keep friendly regardless. So when she really feels like she needs someone to talk to, she knows she has a close friend who still cares despite everything.

As for advances on a relationship, it might be a good time to put that on hold for a little. But getting through this together will only strengthen your bond, so in the long run, it isn't necessarily a bad thing.


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Re: My Best Friend (Divorce Issue) - June 17th 2010, 11:36 PM

Thank you guys for the replies....It has helped out a bunch with me to now know that I need to watch things I say and do around her. Your comments have helped a bunch.


Okay so heres a update....

Today we got back on speaking terms...

Pretty much started with her kinda shunning me away a little bit but not in a rude way just kinda not having much to say to me. Then I turned to her and asked her if we could have a moment to talk in private. We did and I apologised for how things went down the previous day and told her I should not have acted the way I did when someone was in such pain or in need of a friend in a time like that. She agreed that we were both in the wrong insisting it was her more though but I wouldnt let her have the blame and I took it all.

After we finished class we had a heart to hear talk about her issue. It apparently is kinda setting in now that her mom and dad are seperated but living together in the same house. Its causing emotional stress and it is getting to her so she has gone to her brothers house to live for a few days while things pass over until the family can talk sunday about it which she said would end up in a fight. We spoke and finally she realized that the divorce has been triggered through Female Independence and Finacial Issues. Her mom is the dominate head figure in the house a complete role reversal from Vietnam and its causing issues. Also she assured there was a finance problem as well. Apparently her parents want her to quick working on only work on schooling so they can sell her off to the vietnamese friend of theirs for land but she refuses to do the arranged marriage. She says she wants to live her life her own way and now its causing issues between her and her 2 brothers who are now starting to think she is being defiant and backtalking.

I told her that if she needed anyone to talk to im always a phone call away and that I have not yet once turned my back to her ever. She agreed and said it was wrong of her to not listen to someone who she knew would be with her through it all.

Thoughts:
So what do you guys think now from this. It took alot for me to get this much out of her as I tryed to not say anything about it and she just kinda started on it and we sat and talked. I know i want to be there for her and now she has realized i think that my intentions are for a more established relationship but before she could say or assume that in words i cut her off and changed the subject to avoid any problems at this point in time. She thinks im too caring and too kind as nobody has ever shown her this kind of action before. She points out I got her things she loved for her b-day, got her a phone when she couldnt afford it ect and just says she cant imagine someone who is too kind. Im not trying to impress her as she knows the person I am but I am trying to look after her and make her feel like someone actually cares and worries about her for once.

Atm im kinda worried about her in terms of her vs her family this weekend. She said sometimes her dad can be very physically violent and she can be as well. So right now im worried.

Sorry lol Anyone have any thoughts or imput that would help?
   
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