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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Should I be friends with an awesome guy who doesn't care about people? - June 21st 2010, 12:41 AM

So my ex-friend recently started talking to me again. I like him a lot - we like the same things, we connect well, and he's pretty much the least offendable person I know. I kind of see him as my little brother. But there are two problems

1) He is extremely insecure and preoccupied with the idea that people are judging him. He refuses to talk to Republicans, even on completely nonpolitical subjects, out of fear that they will judge him for his "loose morals." He won't say what major he's in or what classes he's taking because he's ashamed of both. This was what got in the way last time we were friends - he told me he pirated software (among other things), I said I was against that, and he assumed I'd lost all respect for him. (Really, I don't care.) So he withdrew from me and essentially stopped being my friend. I think this might get in the way again, but maybe with enough understanding and reassurance it won't be a problem.

2) He doesn't really care about people. I think this may stem from his insecurity - he is so busy worrying about what other people think of him that he neglects to consider them as people. And as he says, "it is very humiliating to care about people who will later reject you."

As a result of this, he has difficulty maintaining long-term friendships. He's fine in the first months, while the other person is still "interesting." But once he's exhausted a person's stories he'll get bored of her because he was never emotionally invested in her life. He does not find it natural to show concern for or ask questions about his friends, and since he has Asperger's, he is not very good at faking it.

I'm thinking he might start caring about me if I make him feel happy and secure, and if I start telling him more about my life (you can't get into a story you've never heard). But I'm not sure if he's worth the risk. So I will proceed with one of these two options:

Option A: Keep the friendship as is. Do not expect anything remotely reciprocal from him. Never talk about yourself or anything going on in your life. Keep him at a distance and avoid conversations that may generate emotional attachment. (We would still be friends, and I'd still be there if he needed me. But we would not be very close.)

Option B: Give him a chance, lean on him a little, allow him to care. Help him understand you instead of just the other way around. Work around his insecurities and actively strive to make him feel safe. Perhaps consider him a close friend.

Which path should I follow?

Thanks!
   
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Re: Should I be friends with an awesome guy who doesn't care about people? - June 21st 2010, 03:09 AM

Most importantly, I think you need to focus on yourself before him.
You cant make him change - it wont happen.
He is the way he is just because thats the way it is.
Is he fun to be around?
Is he a good friend to you?
Is he someone you can trust?
Does he accept you for exactly as you are?

Your options are kind of black and white. With friendships - theyre more about emotions and not necessary logical.
If you guys get along fine, and you both are able to contribute to the friendship- then keep it.
But if you dont see it as worth it, then just stop talking to him.

Whether or not to be friends with someone isnt a debate. Friendships just happen.
   
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Re: Should I be friends with an awesome guy who doesn't care about people? - June 22nd 2010, 05:04 PM

thanks for the advice
   
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Re: Should I be friends with an awesome guy who doesn't care about people? - June 22nd 2010, 05:59 PM

You can't try and change people. He sounds pretty messed up. If I where you I'd stay friends but do not get emotionally invested. just, use him as company. Maybe try and boost his confidence a bit but bleh. It sounds like it'll end in tears tbh



If the world is a cold place
Make it your business to start some fires




   
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Re: Should I be friends with an awesome guy who doesn't care about people? - June 23rd 2010, 02:25 AM

Option A looks safest for now. But if he improves then the relationship can gain more trust but option A looks safest for now.


I came here to help out, so if you wanna talk or just need someone to bounce ideas or issues off of or something else then send me a message and I will reply as soon as I can.
   
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