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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
blacklilac Offline
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it's just a hoshposh of problems. - June 24th 2010, 04:59 AM

well, i'm a malysian studying in singapore, and recently my grades have been slipping badly. my parents blew up over that, as well, they always want for me to get the best grades ever. i know that it's all for my own good, as well, there really isn't anything to find fault with getting good grades.

but i really am not a science person. i take the triple science stream, yet all my sciences suck, and the only thing i'm really good at is humanities[history+social studies]. i've tried telling my mum that, but all she keeps saying that the teachers have shown them statistics that those in the triple science stream do better in the o levels than those not. i'm really bad at chemistry and physics, and chemistry is a compulsury subject whether i'm taking triple, double, or single science.

i really do study, i really do. it's just that i can't seem to do well in my tests. then my mum is convinced that i lied to her, and didn't study. and also that i'm avoiding her calls so that i could play online games or watch movies or whatever. even though my hostel internet has a ban on online games. the reason i don't take her calls is because i put it on silent mode when i'm in school, and i usually don't switch the sound on when i get back, because i get back around four to six o'clock in the afternoon. then at eight o'clock i have mandatory studytime in the dining hall, during which handphones are prohibited. so i leave it as silent. i change it to general mode before i sleep, because i use my handphone as an alarm clock, then i see the twenty[i'm serious. the record was thirty-one] missed calls, and by that time my mum has already called all of my roomates.

i know that it's my fault for not switching the sound on, and i've already apologised and promised to try to change, but she's not satisfied.

i know that i need to pull up my grades or i'll get sent back. i don't want to get sent back, no matter what my mum likes to think. i don't want to go to the same school as my former primary school classmates that always pushed me aside, or to relearn everything over again, or to learn malay, something that i wasn't good at before i went to singapore, and after three years of not using it, i really don't think i'd remember anything. but my mum needs to understand that i can't follow her way of studying. i have my own way, but why can't she understand that and let me do it my way? gah it's so hard to explain this, all i feel is a meaningless jumble of blahgahbah.

the korean group BEAST is coming to Singapore, and i'd already bought the tickets for both the showcase AND the autograph session. i really like their music, it's one of the few that make me feel happy, and i'd been looking forward to it for a long long time. i asked my parents before i bought the tickets, and they said yes. but the showcase is today. the autograph session tomorrow. i was supposed to go back to singapore yesterday. they just refused to let me go. and my mum keeps coming over to tell me, "actually we really really want to let you go, we even asked 'family friend in singapore' to call for hotels, and went online to look at tickets! but no. you can't go."

then well, perhaps it's stupid to get so sad over not being able to go, but i've been looking forward to it for a really long time, and it is a tremendous letdown to not be able to go. then my mum keeps telling me that idol groups won't last long, they'd probably break up in two or three years.

they can't accept that i've joined the legions of fangirls all around the world, because my great sister, and they themselves had never done so. though to set the record straight, i'm not a kimchi. my favourite group ever is BBT, then BEAST. but still! i like music before people. it's not like i trawl the internet looking for groups of cute people i can fangirl over. i don't have that much time, nor want to do that.

i tell my mother that i've been really depressed for some time now, and i don't even know why i'm depressed. music makes me feel happy. it's rather short term, but it's the only thing that can calm my anger down, and drive the sadness away, if even for a short while. i told my mum that, and she scoffed at it.

she seems to not want me to have any friends. she keeps telling me, "your classmates don't want the best for you! all they want is for you to get sent back to malaysia so that there'd be one less person to compete with them! the other scholars just want to see you get sent back! don't trust anyone!"

i'm terribly lonely at singapore, and i want a true friend. just one would do, i'm not picky. just one that i can trust, i can share all my troubles with. i desperately want it, yet i just can't trust people. so i really don't know what to do.

i've been finding it very hard to trust people all my life. i've always been a very fearful person, and deathly afraid of ghosts, moving shadows, and such, although i've improved slightly with age. the emphasis there being slightly. my mum told me to never let other people know what i'm scared of, because they'd use that against me. and in a sense, that's true. but she's family! and she herself said that only family would want the best for you. yet when i was young and really naughty, she would pray or look intently at a place slightly above me or beside me, and say "come find her tonight, okay?" i was terrified. i mean, how old was i? yet due to the excessive dignity i have, i refused to cry in front of her, and always cried in the shower, or sometimes in my room. although my room doesn't offer much privacy, i share it with my great older sister. the great there being sarcastic.

ohdear. i hope this isn't too long a post. all these had been hidden in me for so long, and it's quite a relief to move it all out. sometimes i wonder if it's violent, the way my mum beats me. she only beats me for a reason though, when she's angry with me or i've done someting wrong. so i deserve those beatings. it's just that, well, if she can beat me when she's angry at me, does that mean i can beat her when i'm angry with her. she uses many things as weapons. belts, clothes-hangers, shoes, books, canes, once even the huge steel stick-thingy we use to keep the sliding doors shut. pulling hair, pummelling, extreme pinching, stamping on my foot, choking me, she uses all of them, and perhaps more. we've been arguing a lot over the BEAST showcase and all, since i'm under the impression that if she didn't want to let me go in the end, why let me buy the tickets and get so excited? why keep telling me that actually she wanted to let me go? and she'd been leaving bruises on my arms, legs, and even cheek. i was forced to deny vehemently the presence of the cheek bruise when my orthodontist asked about it. i have braces, and my mum keeps telling me i'm ugly. because i have braces, thick glasses[it's not really thick and i like the glasses!], and a huge nose. for the record, i DO NOT have a huge nose. i have a normal sized one. it's just them i have a habit of needing to move my hands, no matter what i'm doing, so i'll scratch my nose, forehead, hand. and so when she beats me, she pinches my lips and nose really painfully.

i really want to run away from all of this, but i signed a contract! four years of secondary school and two years of junior college. i'm only in my third year of secondary school, and we'd have to pay if i leave now. so all i have is the goal of going to a university maybe in the US or UK, and moving to a remote place where no one would ever be able to find me after university.

i have so many things i force myself to bury, so deep that it makes me sad, but i just can't find the words to write about them. i'm not really sure if i posted this in the right place, and i sincerely apologise for wasting your time if i did post in the wrong place.

i am so so sorry for wasting all your time. and for the lack of capital letters. i'm seem to not like using them.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: it's just a hoshposh of problems. - June 24th 2010, 07:40 PM

I've been thinking for a little while know about your situation and I am truely sorry that you have found yourself in such a hostile situation.

Your Mother seems like a very awkward person to deal with, should something not turn out the way she desired her emotions boil over in the form of aggression. This is not fair on you, at all. You shouldn't have to suffer at the hands of your Mother. What she is doing is wrong, you do not deserve the beatings in any stretch of the imagination. There are far better ways to deal with these problems than to beat your child.
I unfortunately do not know enough about the child laws where you are but if this is not illegal, it damn well should be. And if it is, I would look to your child support agency for help. She has no right to lay a hand on you, you are her child, and you are simply trying to do your best. You're not being allowed to grow as a person because she is trying to make you conform to what she wants. It's just not right.

Don't listen to her when she calls you ugly, I can guarantee that you are beautiful.

I can't really see an easy way out of your education either. I would suggest asking for extra tuition outside of class for the subjects you are struggling in to try and bump up your grades.

But I'd have a serious think about how your Mother treats you and whether or not it is really acceptable.
   
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Re: it's just a hoshposh of problems. - June 24th 2010, 08:50 PM

I'm really glad that you got all of this off your chest =-)
It's fine that you didn't you use capital letters silly goose.

Your mom seems really jeosue of you. It's not right at all that she beats you
Is their anybody you can tell or anybody you can stay with?
I'm really sorry you coudn't go to the concert
Keep making friends, maybe they can help you studdy.
For the phone thing, can you get a teacher or anybody like that to tell her about it for you.
Also try to get a teacher to tell her about the school blocks the game sites
& is their a teacher that can tell her that you are studying?
Maybe having another adult can help.

Please write back & feel free to message anytime =-)
   
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Re: it's just a hoshposh of problems. - June 25th 2010, 02:15 AM

So far about the phone being on silent you haven't done anything wrong, so don't feel bad or sad. Keep an eye out for good people. If you want a true friend then they should come before the music. But that is another issue. But finding a true friend isn't easy and it mostly happens by itself. It just happens and you find yourself making a friends.

Hey, the way your mom beats you isn't right. It sounds to an extreme. And that is wrong. Keep working hard at school and do your best so that you can move to a better place where you will be more free and feel better.


I came here to help out, so if you wanna talk or just need someone to bounce ideas or issues off of or something else then send me a message and I will reply as soon as I can.
   
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Re: it's just a hoshposh of problems. - June 26th 2010, 02:08 PM

thanks so much for replying.
i guess that my mum goes to the extreme when punishing me, but in the occasions that she beat me, i really did make her angry, so well. she did have the right to punish me, although maybe not that much.

i'm back in singapore now, the term is about to reopen. i'd been feeling terrified over the reopening of the school term, yet i can't motivate myself to the study, and i'm afraid, because i know i'd regret not studying.

but i'd try, anyway. i just need to get the momentum up, then all will be fine.

thanks again for taking the time to reply.
   
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Re: it's just a hoshposh of problems. - June 26th 2010, 07:46 PM

Nobody has the right to punish you with harm to your health & well being.
   
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