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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
JackOffJill Offline
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Mom putting me down - July 10th 2010, 09:02 AM

Ever since I was little I remember my mom always putting me down. Every time I do something good she finds a negative in it. Like when I when on the track team she would always say "you did a good job but you were too slow." She always compared me to my sister. When I would get my report cards she would be like "You have an 87 in history- I want to see that brought up to a 90." Nothing was ever good enough!

And now she is really making me so self conscious! I went shopping with her the other day to get some work clothes and she kept saying "wow you need a bigger size?!" "you need to exercise more." "if your not careful you are going to become huge like your aunt" "your too fat for that" "you better start exercising because your getting big." I already put myself down for my looks and for feeling overweight (Im not, Im actually skinny but I have gained a little weight but Im still at the weight I should be at for my height). Logically I know Im ok- but I see something different when I look at myself. I feel sooooo big! I just dont know what to do anymore. It hurts when my mom bad mouths me and bashes me. It makes me take stuff out on myself harder. What can I do?


"Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself and become a new person." -Gerard Way
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ella xx
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Re: Mom putting me down - July 10th 2010, 12:03 PM

hey there hun,
well, this is pretty tough. right now, im living in the same situation. is there anyway you can get out of there? that would probably be best. its not good that shes putting you down heaps and getting down your self esteem.
stay strong!
ella xx
   
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Re: Mom putting me down - July 10th 2010, 04:21 PM

Unfortunately I cant leave. I commute from home to college and still have 2 years left. So I probably will be living at home for 2 more years at least. I dont want to but I cant afford to live on my own- its too expensive here and I dont have anyone who could be a roommate to bring down the cost. So Im basically stuck.


"Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself and become a new person." -Gerard Way
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Re: Mom putting me down - July 10th 2010, 11:00 PM

Well, it's quite natural for people to start putting on weight after reaching adulthood. It's also common for college students to put on some weight, because they tend to lead more sedentary lifestyles (ex. opting to stay home and study vs. go out and exercise). If you ever feel that your weight is getting out of control, I would suggest making small changes to your routine... eat a little less (and a little healthier), and try to go for a walk/jog/run/workout/etc. 2-3 times per week for 30+ minutes. Those small changes WILL add up, and ensure that you remain in a "normal" range. =) I'm sure you already know all about this, though, since you used to be on a track team.

Since you can't leave home for the next two years, I would suggest finding ways to cope with the criticism NOW. That may mean utilizing your college's psych services (which are usually free to students - or rather, they're included in your tuition fees). You could also try opening up to friends about what's going on at home. Getting out once or twice per week may also be beneficial. You could spend an entire day elsewhere, relaxing and studying in a park without having to listen to your mother's criticism. You could plan regular sleepovers with friends, and forget about your troubles while watching movies and playing games. You could buy and install a lock for your bedroom door, so that it's possible to put some distance between yourself and your mother. You could find other ways to cope, such as listening to music, writing in a journal, or taking up a new hobby.

You are a wonderful person, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. =) Be proud of all the work you're doing! It's so easy for older adults to be critical of college-age adults... to expect the world of them when they're JUST learning how to balance all their new responsibilities. Truth be told, I think your mother is somewhat jealous of you, and that's why she's being so cruel. You have your whole life ahead of you, and she doesn't. Perhaps she thinks that putting you down will boost her own self-esteem. I know it's easy to take things personally, especially when it's your mother (and they're supposed to have unconditional love for you)... but in the end, she's just another person, with her own opinions and beliefs. You don't have to accept them, and you don't have to let her words get you down.






   
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Re: Mom putting me down - July 11th 2010, 01:49 AM

Thank you so much PSY. All that advice should really help me I think. I hope that I am able to cope with my mom. I never had her put me down like this before. I mean little things I used to be able to deal with, but more and more its been about my appearance which makes it hard for me to deal with. So thank you so much.


"Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself and become a new person." -Gerard Way
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Re: Mom putting me down - July 11th 2010, 06:16 PM

Also, maybe you should talk with your mom about this. If she's a good parent, after she's hears how much it hurt you, she would stop.

And agreeing with PSY here, you gotta do random stuff to get your mind off of your mom. Find something that you like doing that requires all of your attention. Soon, you won't even remember she said anything to you.

I hope this helps. And remember, you can PM me any time


"Now at the end of everyday I lie awake at night and wait
To feel the wires of my brain get cut and quietly rearranged, and
Hear my beaten heart exclaim, 'Still, I refuse to let her go.'"

So we escape to our mistakes for they wait patiently for us.
Oh, how they always wait for me.

If my fear has kept me here only my fear can set me free."
   
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Re: Mom putting me down - July 12th 2010, 04:34 AM

Thanks AJ. I think Im going to talk to my therapist when I see her this week about it and ask if I can bring my mom in cause I would feel safer talking to my mom with my therapist there. I hope that I have the guts to actually ask my therapist to let me bring my mom in- I hope I dont chicken out. Im sure I can do it though because I have opened up about a lot recently because I really want help. Thanks for all the support.


"Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself and become a new person." -Gerard Way
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