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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Question what to do about friends thats not friends? - July 19th 2010, 01:38 PM

Okay well I've never been good at starting posts so I'mma just dive in I guess?
Okay so I have this friend lets call her idk Jenna?
okay so first problem.
Jenna is a friend of my boyfriend (fiance) and a friend of mine, but shes not a good friend.
shes annoying, a drama queen, and calls both me and my fiance names (not good ones) me and my fiance house around a lot, we call each other names but in a fun and flirty kinda way, its different when she does it.
like the other day we were hanging out with her and her guy and tbh they both are stuck up prudes.
for example, me and my fiance were housing around calling each other names (we have kinda like this game were the first one that runs out of names to call the other loses) and jenna and her dude were like freaking out because we were messing around.
Her dude said that we were a messed up couple, and jenna like freaked.
idk what to do, if anyone but a family or friend member called my guy what she does on a daily basis I'd kick their ass's but I can't do nothing about her.
idk what to do or say, I don't want to make my fiance stop talking to her but she is really out of hand and is really crossing the line big time.
she sticks her nose into our love life and our problems, everything that we do on a daily basis, our families, everything, and then gives an opinion likes its wanted.
so there is that problem.
idk what to do, any ideas?
Thanks for listening and sorry its so long.
   
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Re: what to do about friends thats not friends? - July 19th 2010, 06:35 PM

I would sit down with your fiance and give him the facts. Don't try to convince him that he should stop being friends with Jenna... just go over what you both already know. For starters, Jenna doesn't like it when you call each other names. Now, you could sit here and argue that you and your fiance have every right to play your game, and that Jenna should stop being such a prude... but the bottom-line is that it'd be MUCH easier to just stop playing that game altogether when you're around Jenna, vs. trying to change her.

After several of these facts are brought to your fiance's attention, I think he'll realize that being friends with Jenna is more trouble than it's worth, because the two of you can't really be yourselves when you're around her. He may not break things off with her immediately... but given time, I think he'll make the decision that's best for him. Perhaps he'll end up talking to Jenna privately, and reach an agreement with her about what should and shouldn't be said when you're all hanging out.





   
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Re: what to do about friends thats not friends? - July 22nd 2010, 07:14 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by PSY View Post
I would sit down with your fiance and give him the facts. Don't try to convince him that he should stop being friends with Jenna... just go over what you both already know. For starters, Jenna doesn't like it when you call each other names. Now, you could sit here and argue that you and your fiance have every right to play your game, and that Jenna should stop being such a prude... but the bottom-line is that it'd be MUCH easier to just stop playing that game altogether when you're around Jenna, vs. trying to change her.

After several of these facts are brought to your fiance's attention, I think he'll realize that being friends with Jenna is more trouble than it's worth, because the two of you can't really be yourselves when you're around her. He may not break things off with her immediately... but given time, I think he'll make the decision that's best for him. Perhaps he'll end up talking to Jenna privately, and reach an agreement with her about what should and shouldn't be said when you're all hanging out.
Props. This is good advice.


I came here to help out, so if you wanna talk or just need someone to bounce ideas or issues off of or something else then send me a message and I will reply as soon as I can.
   
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Re: what to do about friends thats not friends? - July 23rd 2010, 06:56 AM

mk thank you

   
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Re: what to do about friends thats not friends? - July 23rd 2010, 09:09 AM

It's clear you dislike Jenna and so I think the best to do is ask your fiance about his views on her behaviours. Include why you don't like her and that something has to be done because it's beginning to ruin your relationship with him. In the mean time, you could try to ignore her and give her an implicit message that you don't want her around as much. I assume she lives near by in order to stick her nose into private business, so if she comes around, don't let her in. If need be, lie to her that you're going out of the house to an appointment, and that you're late so you cannot talk to her. If in the house, tell her you have work to do (i.e. prepare a project for your boss), and that you have to concentrate on it. While doing so, move some papers around the room to make it seem you're really frantic, rushing to meet the deadline . This prevents her from simply staying in one area and gabbing because obviously you have to move around. I cant count how many times I've used these ones lol.

These are just pretty easy lies to pull off as an alternative to not answering the door. If you have a fence, lock it so you need a key. If she ever asks why you don't answer, an understandable reason is you were napping, working and didn't hear her, etc... . If she calls, then the easy thing is answer the phone then hang up. Do it several times if she keeps calling. From personal experience, this does work very well because you don't need to block her number which creates chaos nor ignore her calling which would bug you more. If she e-mails, then create a new e-mail address, tell her that new one is your definite new one but don't check it, using the excuse the e-mail failed. This requires changing from say yahoo to hotmail. She e-mails, you don't need to read'em. From personal experience, this works wonders too. If she says her e-mails cant get through even though they can using your lie, simply say that you moved all your contacts, gave the new one out at work and to others, so it'd be too hard to use the old address (the one you do use for everyone but her).

Possibly use these while talking to your fiance so you don't tell her to fuck off and create chaos with him. Ideally inform him about at least some of the lies.

Last edited by OMFG!You'reActuallySmart!; July 23rd 2010 at 09:17 AM.
   
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Re: what to do about friends thats not friends? - July 24th 2010, 03:35 AM

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Originally Posted by WOW!USaidSomethingSmart!
Possibly use these while talking to your fiance so you don't tell her to fuck off and create chaos with him. Ideally inform him about at least some of the lies.
Or all. I mean, why risk your fiance's trust over something like this? Either he knows about all the lies you're feeding Jenna, or you don't lie at all and come up with other solutions. I DO like some of these ideas... but I don't really think it's necessary to fabricate so many lies or half-truths. "I'm busy" ought to do the trick, if you really want to just start avoiding her while your fiance continues to hang out with her.





   
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Re: what to do about friends thats not friends? - July 25th 2010, 01:58 AM

That's just it is that she doesn't live close by, we know her over msn and some sites.
And well I actually don't really want him talking to her, she feeds him lies, and if him and I get in a fight she will bug us 'till we tell her what's wrong, then if it's me that tells her she will threaten me and tell me 'you better not hurt him' or something like that.
I don't want him around that but I want him to decide that himself and if me and her clash I'm pretty sure she'd start feeding him lies about me to break us up.
   
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Re: what to do about friends thats not friends? - July 25th 2010, 12:19 PM

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Originally Posted by WeedMakeBrainGoPOP View Post
That's just it is that she doesn't live close by, we know her over msn and some sites.
And well I actually don't really want him talking to her, she feeds him lies, and if him and I get in a fight she will bug us 'till we tell her what's wrong, then if it's me that tells her she will threaten me and tell me 'you better not hurt him' or something like that.
I don't want him around that but I want him to decide that himself and if me and her clash I'm pretty sure she'd start feeding him lies about me to break us up.
She certainly has a strong relationship with him and he seems to have a strong one with her. Did the two of them know each other in-person, such as were they ex's or how did this strong relationship come about? If he is buying into her "lies", chances are he has strong faith in what she's saying, which is often due to liking the person a lot. Or, he's just gullible, in which case take advantage of it.

But the most important question for your post: how do you know she's lying? If you think she is, record the conversations (easy to do on MSN) so you can begin to show him the lies, show her the lies and have solid proof for yourself. I'd do this if he somehow informs you of the lies and you can consistantly show she is lying about many things, and explain the implications.

In the mean time, if you two you different e-mails or usernames to talk to her, then block her. He will know about it, and simply say you don't like her, but it's fine if he does (you have no problem with him liking her, just the "lies" and snoopyness as I've gathered). It's perfectly reasonable.

One benefit for this is she cannot make "lies" regarding you because she's gathered no information from you, and you can tell him that. Such as "she's wrong in saying I do ___ because I've never told her and if you never told her, she's lying". Simple, plain and obvious.

I wouldn't lie to her about him as a way of separating them because if he knows it's a lie, then you're getting the heat. He'll bond more with her by knowing you're a bit untrustworthy and it's not going to go well. Alternatively, if you craft the lies well enough then it can work but with fewer problems, until later if he finds out about them, in which case he'll be some plenty pissed. I'd just try to collect evidence of her "lies", once you show evidence for it and he agrees with it, the dam leaks a bit more with more evidence then it just bursts.

In doing this, just say it's NOT to affect their relationship but to reduce the affect she has on your relationship with him. He can have a friend, you have no problem with it but want to have him closer. This makes it reasonable, which I think it is a very good, possibly the best outcome.
   
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Re: what to do about friends thats not friends? - July 26th 2010, 07:35 AM

It's not that he would believe her over me its that. . . . he is very guillible, and extremly easy to make think your telling the turth, I could tell the boy I've been to the moon and he would believe me with all of his heart, pretty much same goes for jenna, he just trusts and....well he's a bit like a kid, if he thinks he knows you he will believe everything you say.
idk about lying tho. . . I mean idk I'm just kinda sick of how much she is a drama queen.
He knows I don't like her and he doesn't himself really "like" he just puts up with her because of something he said a while back.
It's not like he or her like each other like that, they have just been pretty good friends for awhile like you know when you get together with someone and the best friend starts acting out because they feel you taking them away? its kinda like that only she doesn't fear that & I wouldn't lie to him, if I was planning on doing something he would know about it.
   
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Re: what to do about friends thats not friends? - July 26th 2010, 08:06 AM

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It's not that he would believe her over me its that. . . . he is very guillible, and extremly easy to make think your telling the turth, I could tell the boy I've been to the moon and he would believe me with all of his heart, pretty much same goes for jenna, he just trusts and....well he's a bit like a kid, if he thinks he knows you he will believe everything you say.
Ah, the con man's dream client .

As I said before, if he's very gulliable, then take advantage of that to resolve this. I know you said you don't want to lie to him, I understand that. The smallest lie I'd say to try or think about doing is telling him and/or her that nothing exciting is happening. As you said, she's a drama queen and nosy, so if there's nothing going on in your lives (from what she gets told), she can be a drama queen of her own lives (probably doing that already). You could be honest in telling her that her stuff is boring.

You can beat a drama queen by being a bigger one yourself but that'll probably weaken the relationship you have with him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WeedMakeBrainGoPOP View Post
its kinda like that only she doesn't fear that & I wouldn't lie to him, if I was planning on doing something he would know about it.
So she's acting out because her life is boring or just wants to hear herself speak?
   
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Re: what to do about friends thats not friends? - July 26th 2010, 02:16 PM

Yeah being a drama queen and telling her that her life is boring would end up a bigger problem then problem solver.
Yeah I think she does like to hear herself speak, she thinks of herself high and mighty because of her mind set and blah blah blah she also gets on everyones butts when it comes to typos its like whatever.
and she complains that no one cares about her and blah blah blah when honestly we do she just blocks us out and wont let us help.
   
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Re: what to do about friends thats not friends? - July 27th 2010, 11:52 AM

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Yeah being a drama queen and telling her that her life is boring would end up a bigger problem then problem solver.
Yeah I think she does like to hear herself speak, she thinks of herself high and mighty because of her mind set and blah blah blah she also gets on everyones butts when it comes to typos its like whatever.
and she complains that no one cares about her and blah blah blah when honestly we do she just blocks us out and wont let us help.
I meant telling her not her life is boring but yours is so she has nothing to grab onto an snoop about.

The thing of "nobody cares wahhh" is an attention-seeking method and from what you said, you (or your boyfriend at least) gives her the attention she wants. It's not a matter of actually giving her advice as she's not after that, she's after getting attention. She doesn't let you help for another reason: she seems very narcissistic and typically, narcissists aren't going to lie down and let others help. To them, it usually seems like an attack to their huge ego so they get away from it like it's their kryptonite as fast as possible then also bash others or do this to restore their ego. If you give her advice, she's not going to care because she doesn't value it as when your ego is that high, pretty much everyone else are ants. Her boyfriend that's with her may also be narcissistic or he may just sit and take it but I assume it's not the latter.

I can tell you how to bash down her high image of herself when talking to you but that's not going to work, it's going to cause problems only. According to various experts there are various typologies of narcissism but hers is the common one. The other thing that beats a narcissist is a bigger narcissist or more aggressive one.

I'd say to just stop feeding her no matter how much she wants the attention. For example, if you're chatting and she keeps interrupting, just say that you're going to leave the chat if she interrupts a few more times. After a few more times, tell her you're leaving because of this and leave. Don't let her beg and plead for you not to because she'll just continue.
   
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Re: what to do about friends thats not friends? - July 27th 2010, 01:41 PM

Okay thank you, this is some real good stuff to use. I'll see what I can do with it, thank you so much!!
   
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