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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Pour the Teapot Offline
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Unhappy if you really knew me - July 22nd 2010, 04:42 AM

this show made me so emotional, and it really made me realize how bad things are. this might be a little long, but here it is, all about my mom and our relationship:

i'm so unhappy. my mom is convinced that i have a mood disorder and autism, but she refuses to believe that SHE is the problem. she lies to the doctors so they won't believe me. and im so mad when she takes me to the clinic place that all the doctors think i have mood problems, but i don't. they only see me when im shaking with rage, they don't know what i'm like when im happy. but its been so long since ive been happy. the meds make me angry all the time and the few times im in a good mood my mom takes care of that with a few cold hearted words. it makes me so angry that i can't make myself not cry and raise my voice (i can't even write this without almost sobbing) , and my mom looks so calm and collected. i can't control it but this is why when the police come they automatically go to her side because i'm so red faced and can hardly talk. and the reason she calls the police is because she NEVER wants to talk about things. NEVER. i try to make her talk to me, im not violent but sometimes i do try to prevent her from leaving the room because i need so badly for her to listen. but she doesn't listen. i say the same things every time because i just want her to know how i feel because my feelings haven't changed but she just says "see these are the things you do that are autistic". it makes me so mad, but i dont get violent . she just sits there calmy while im sobbing and lies to my face. she never talks about it and she never listens when i do. she won't let me do anything that would make me happy. i lost my best friend because i couldn\t stand to be around her because not only were the meds making me less tolerant of her arguing, but also because i tried to talk to her about my mom and she instantly took my moms side, when shes barely even talked to her. i dont have anyone im close to since my dad died three years ago. no one cares. i just need someone to talk to whos on my side for a change, or at least not on my moms side. im so sick of having to hide my feelings because i have no one who would listen. and its my moms fault! the meds im on only because she lied to the doctors make me irritable and defensive so i find it hard to be nice to people. my dad commited suicide so my mom is totally convinced that the reason im unhappy is because im suicidal too. but im not! i love life but my mom wont let me do what would make me happy because she refuses to believe that she is the problem. she is the cause of EVERYTHING bad in my life! my life would be so great, but shes my mom so im miserable. no one in my life knows or cares about what its like to be so unhappy and not be able to do anything about it. ive tried everything to get my mom to listen, to get off the meds, and to try and not go to the clinic place. but nothing works because she controls every aspect of my life. im so unhappy ive been considering just telling her to send me to the shelter so i can get away. im starting 9th grade next year and i want it to be better but if things continue this way itlll probably just be worse. i want to be happy so bad but as long as my mom is in the picture i don't think i can be. its gotten to the point where i have no hope of things getting better and am just counting down until i graduate high school and can move out. i know i can be a happy loving person but because of my mom no one is willing to give me the chance. i almost got anorexia, i actually made myself throw up twice, but just couldn't do it so i ate again. everyone tells me to love myself and i try so hard, for so many years i even talked myself into believing that i did, but how can i love myself when no one loves me? i hate my mom so much but i tell her i love her because im so afraid of losing her, because as much as she ruins my life shes also all i have. i want to talk to someone, someone i choose whos never talked to my mom, doesn\t know her side of the story and will listen to me and believe me but after all the horrible experiences ive had wiht shrinks i dont know if i can just open up to a stranger. someone please help, im so unhappy.
   
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Eljoria Offline
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Re: if you really knew me - July 22nd 2010, 05:10 PM

Wow. I really feel for you. I absolutely understand where you're coming from. I'll be your friend. I'll be on your side forever. I promise. Your mum needs to stop lying because the meds can muck up your bloodstream. <3

Just private mail me whenever you want.

if you want my email address for msn or something just let me know through private mail.


Jay

Live the life.
  Send a message via MSN to Eljoria  
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Re: if you really knew me - July 22nd 2010, 07:09 PM

my moms done that to me before too. its horrible. you have to stand up for yourself. dont take the meds hun. it really fucks you up... refuse. it doesnt matter what happens. if you truly are getting those results and truly believe you dont need the meds, then you shouldnt be on them. its not right. /: pm me anytime you need anything. im always here for ya. *hugs*


"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone is fighting some kind of battle." <3


Feel free to PM/VM me if you ever need someone to talk to, or just want someone to listen. I'm also always up for making new friends.
   
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Re: if you really knew me - July 23rd 2010, 01:21 AM

First, I am very sorry for your father dying, I'm very sorry that happened.
I know this may not be believable to you, but maybe your mom is scared to lose you too because your father commited suicide and she's scared you'll do it too. I know you won't, because you are stronger and braver than that. Your mom sounds like she has alot of issues, and it may be because she's in mourning and angry about losing your father.
You do need to get out of that place, for your own health. Try asking around, try talking to some family members of friends you're close with, anyone you can move in with temporarily until you can maybe find a job and save up for your own place, finish up School. Eventually before you know it, you'll be old enough to graduate and move out. Try avoiding your mother and not talking to her about anything personal.
Sneak out to the Clinics on your own without telling her, talk to them yourself so she can't have the chance to tell them anything, get them to prescribe you another pill or something that won't cause you problems.
I know you don't believe this but if you hang in there, things will get alot better. Unfortunantely be have to put up with people who are downers sometimes, but it won't be forever.
You have tried talking to her before and she won't listen, so maybe you need to go somewhere else and just distance yourself from her for awhile, maybe time without you will teach her, give her time to think and realize she's wrong, and if not then perhaps you're better off not talking to her anymore if she's going to be like this. You will meet some good friends in School who care about you, just try and talk to people, try and get into mroe activities to get your mind of it.
If you need a friend I'm here anytime.
   
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Pour the Teapot Offline
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Re: if you really knew me - July 23rd 2010, 01:53 AM

Do you realize how much trouble I would get in if I snuck out? Not happening, but thanks anyway.
   
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