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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Cool Moving out soon, help? [long] - August 6th 2010, 04:01 PM

Hope this is the right place, I figured "friends and family" because my relationships with my family is the real problem here. But move it if you'd like.

So here's the situation:
I CANNOT stay living with my mother where I am now, we will kill each other. It is absolutely not an option so please don't suggest it. I live with my mother right now, and the lease here is up in 3 months and she will be moving. I just got a job and I am OUT OF HERE one way or another.
Now I have this Aunt in Michigan who I love dearly but she has been a crazy ranting raving alcoholic for years and years (at least 25 years, probably more). Well my aunt's husband just left her and she is talking about wanting to move out here. Now my mom HATES my aunt and the rest of my family will have nothing to do with her. My aunt wants to move back here to Colorado but she needs my help to get on her feet and get a job and everything. Now she SAYS that since her husband left her she's quit drinking but.. I don't know how much to believe that and if she's going to start drinking again I REFUSE to live with her. Every time I have talked to her over the past 6 months she has been sober, and thats IS saying something but still...
Now I'm all for giving that a try even if just for the sake of getting out of my mother house.
But then there's my step-dad kinda.. we're really more like friends because he was never around when I was really young so he never held a "dad" spot in my life. My mother left him and he's been struggling since then to make money and all. He just got a new job that pays more, and he wants to move out of where he lives with his roommates and find a place with me too, and I honestly REALLY like that idea but.. my aunt has no money, no house, no job, and no where to go. I am all she has and she IS my family.
She also raised me from the time I was a baby so she, oddly enough, DOES hold the "mom" spot in my life moreso than my own mother even.
I have three months til my lease is up here, I don't know if my aunt will even BE out here by then, but if she could make it here by then, I'm not totally sure I want a place with her, but it's SO hard to deny her.
But ALSO my poor step-dad.. my mother put him through hell, I am the only "family" he has and he has been miserable for the past year and a half since they split up and this.. well getting a place with me would be the beginning of his new life, and he really needs that. And he was never a crazy alcoholic.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should just say screw it and go for whats best for me and deal with my conscience later, or if I should pull an out-of-the-kindness-of-my-heart move and take that route. =\
Also, I don't know how to tell my mother, and I HAVE to tell her before the lease is up because she may not move from where we are if I move out. If I move in with my aunt, she'll be PISSED, but if I move in with her ex.. well that wont be any better.
Ugh, I NEED to figure this out and I cant.

Thank you greatly if you took the time to read this, and even more if you reply. Any thoughts are appreciated.
   
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Re: Moving out soon, help? [long] - August 6th 2010, 06:53 PM

Can the three of you move in together you, your aunt, AND step-dad. I think it is GREAT you are considering giving your aunt a second chance; because, it sounds like she really does want to change.

As for your mother, you are an adult and so frankly if she is mad that is HER issue. You are just trying to help fsmily.
   
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Re: Moving out soon, help? [long] - August 6th 2010, 07:53 PM

I'm also wondering if your aunt and step-dad could ever manage to live together. I'm guessing it's not... otherwise, you would have mentioned it in your post... but if you haven't talked to either of them about the possibility yet, why not do so now? =)

That being said, I think you need to do what's best for you. You're only 19 years old, and while you may be mature and have a job, that doesn't mean it's going to be easy for you to make ends meet. You're just starting to get the hang of what it means to be an independent adult... so now is not the time to put your needs aside or future on hold in order to help ailing family members. Yes, I know that sounds cold and selfish, but you won't be able to help your aunt financially if you yourself are struggling financially. Perhaps, in the future, you could live with your aunt... but right now, living with your step-dad seems to be the better arrangement for you.






   
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Re: Moving out soon, help? [long] - August 7th 2010, 12:59 AM

Thanks guys for replying..
@I love dogs I know that it's my moms problem if she wants to be mad, that isn't really a factor in my decision it just makes it an "awesome... no matter what I do somebody is going to be angry at me" situation. Also I have never had a relationship at all with my mother until recently [like I said my aunt is the "mom" person] and although we drive each other absolutely nuts and cannot live together, we have started some kind of relationship and I would really like to keep that and build on it more. Also, she still see's me as 12 years old [not the mommys-little-girl-kind, the kind where she has to treat me like I'm totally retarded a lot of the time.] and although she doesn't hold "mom" spot in my life she IS still my mom and she does still have the mom-power where her every word stings 100x more than it would coming from everyone else. It's not that she will be mad that bothers me, it's losing everything I've worked SO LONG to build with her. It's not much, but it's all I've got.

@PSY I highly doubt they would be able to live together. When my mom and step-dad were still together we lived with my aunt and uncle [when THEY were still together too] in a house and my step-dad has seen too much of her crazy alcoholism. I told you he's been struggling a lot since my mom left him, but not just financially, but mentally and emotionally as well. I don't think that he could handle the possibility of the alcoholic coming back, but I DO intend to run it by him just.. with no expectations of any one answer.
My aunt on the other hand I think would be about 50/50 on it. She doesn't have a problem with my stepdad but.. well he can and WILL drive you nuts sometimes. I know he'll drive me nuts at times but I am confident we can handle it as I've figured out how to talk to him in a way that his responses wont bug me.
I think overall I have about a %20 chance that they could live together which I do figure is worth a try but I don't have my hopes up.

I know that I am only 19, and I am 100% confident that it'll be an interesting ride for a while and it'll probably include a couple "Oh f***, rents due tomorrow"s. I have this thing where, because of how I was raised, I'm mentally halfways 13 and the other half 30 and it makes it really difficult to determine what a 19 YEAR OLD should be doing because.. well, I'm not totally 19.
I have been leaning towards living with my stepdad but because of ^ I didn't know if that was the way a 19 year old should/would go or how rational that would be as a decision.. I am quite glad to hear that somebody else would lean the same way. I think I will PLAN to move in with him, and see what other surprises come up between now and then and when it gets to the point of no return I'll just go for it.
Oh, I thought it sounded cold and selfish until you said what I was kinda thinking. Now I feel more "Well, I gotta do what I gotta do.." about it and not so generally crappy.

Sorry that was so long, there's really a LOT of details involved but didn't want to write an entire novel in the original post.
   
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