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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Why do I have to *always* make the first move?? - August 16th 2010, 07:16 PM

I know I've not been around much recently, and for that I apologise, but there has been a lot going on right now...

So, my brother has been giving me the silent treatment for about a week now. No warning, just completely out of the blue stopped talking to me, and if anyone even mentions my name he doesn't respond. And, naturally, mum's been trying to figure out why he's giving me the silent treatment.

So I get a long rant from mum about how I don't appreciate him and how I take too much from him and how it's not my place to tell him that he doesn't look after the cat (the cat has nothing to do with this ... but actually I think it has everything to do with it - long story short - I adopted his cat, well actually mum gave her to me) and that he shouldn't have a room here, (I haven't actually said that to his face, but its true and I do borrow his room on the 28 days of the month he's not here).

And quite frankly, I've had enough of it all, the fighting and the not even being acknowledged. So I said to my mum, "I'm not taking any responsibility for this. None of this is mine and therefore, I refuse to deal with it." and more to the point, how can I talk to someone who doesn't even acknowledge that I exist? This followed a long guilt-trip about how I'd be hurting her and no one else and that that decision would leave me with no brother. Well I really don't care much, cos he's already writing me out of his life.

That being said, why is it that it's me that has to apologise for all of this? Mum said that I might want to say something along the lines of "I'm sorry I took you cat, I didn't realise it would hurt you so much." I'm not going to apologise for the cat, I really am not sorry for that, the cat seems a lot happier. So mum's response was, "Oh, well *I* didn't realise it would hurt him so much." Has she apologised to him yet? No! (Bear in mind this has nothing to do with the cat!!)

I've just written him a letter and given it to him, no doubt mum will say that it's all wrong and that that's not taking any responsibility yadda yadda. But bear in mind I've dropped all responsibility, so why the hell did I write him the f*cking letter in the first place. Anyway the letter basically said that I would always love him and that he would always be my brother.

How comes I have to make that move first?? Seriously? And he *still* won't talk to me. How pathetic is that? The only way I can talk to him is through a letter. And yes - mum has just told me that that was a good start, but it needs more.

Well - I am not going to take responsibility for this! I'm always the one who has to say sorry first. ALWAYS! I have to make the first move. WHY? How the hell is this even fair!?


So much for that idea ...

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Re: Why do I have to *always* make the first move?? - August 17th 2010, 03:13 AM

LIFE isn't fair. Sometimes, you'll have to apologize for things when you don't really mean it (to family, friends, co-workers, lovers, etc.). =/ Other times, you'll decide that your principles are far more important, and you'll refuse to apologize for something that's not your fault. That's perfectly acceptable... but do be aware of the possible consequences. If you won't apologize, and your brother won't apologize, then you really could lose the relationship you have with your brother. If that relationship is worth saving... then suck it up and apologize, even if it wasn't your fault. Just say what he wants to hear, say it convincingly, and be happy that you're talking to your brother again. Otherwise, stick to your guns, and get on with your life without waiting around for your brother to apologize first.






   
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