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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Chriz Offline
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i dont know what i feel about my family... - August 18th 2010, 10:49 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

i dont know if its just me or is everyone like that? ever since i was small when my dad went away on a business trip... i dont miss him at all... my brother went over seas to study for a whole year. and i didnt even feel his absence... and well... when i try to have a conversation with my mom she doesnt even look interested. she doesnt pay attention. so is my dad... my mom never has a smile. so when are family are together its just quiet... and my brother... he just hits me alot... he saw my cut once and he said i was an emo freak. and he cant believe that his lil sister was an fucking emo freak. i dont get it... i see my friends with their brothers. they get along just fine! they talk a lot they share a lot. so why cant i get along with my brother? at first i thought it was all his fault. that he was the bad one. but than... i dont know since when... i started blaming myself... my little cousin came ,around a year and a half years old and he was smiling and playing with him... i just stared at him blankly... he said i was nice to you like this once too... than it seriously get to me. it was all my fault isnt it? that he hates me. i was an asshole of a sister. than a braty cousin came along. 5 years old. he was suck a brat that i wanted to punch him so many times. and my brother seemed to be annoyed with him too... i asked jokingly i couldnt have been worse than he could i? than he said i was far worse... so i guess im the problem after all? i hate it when i see people around my age getting along with him... am i that bad?i never saw myself like that before... but i guess i am... my cousin talked to me about my brother once. if he was allowed to treat me like that... i stayed quiet and my mom replied since she isnt strict with me she needs my brother to discipline me... and its not true... when i was small... i got hit alot. locked out side the house for staying at my aunt's house too late. around seven. i got bruises a few times too... they think i dont listen to my parents. when i dont ask for cash cause i know their financially tight. and my brother does so he can go out with his friends. ITS JUST SO FRUSTRATING! i cut myself when ever i think about any of this. so in the end... its my fault for being a brat... i guess...man writting this make it sound more like its my fault... maybe... cause it is...


You smile not because your happy. But because you know smiling will bring you happiness.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: i dont know what i feel about my family... - August 18th 2010, 02:26 PM

Hey there,

That stuff - the hitting and things that your family did to you? Thats abuse. It's wrong, they shouldn't have done that under any circumstances. That is never your fault - any kind of violence against you isn't your fault.

To look at it from another perspective - if someone else was in your position, would you say this was heir fault? Is hitting someone ever the person being hits fault? The defense of provocation is a dodgy one at best. And to imply that a child could do that? Thats just wrong.

I'm sorry your family's not as caring as it should be, thats a tough situation for anyone to be in. It's not fair and it's no wonder you get frustrated with it. It seems that with all this frustration you seem to just turn it inwards because there's not really another outlet for it?

Is there any counselors at school or anything who you could think about talking to about these things?

if you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me.
   
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Re: i dont know what i feel about my family... - August 18th 2010, 02:36 PM

Hey Chris.

I'm sorry, it sounds like you're having a really rough go of it. To me, it sounds like you live in an abusive home. You really need to talk to someone about this. It looks like you have a couple of options.

1. You could talk to your brother. It doesn't sound like there is much give and take in that relationship. He sounds like a bully. Since I don't know the situation that well you would have to judge for yourself whether this would be a viable course of action. If you decided to talk to him, knowing well that the conversation may not be successful, you could ask him what happen to your relationship. Tell him that you want to be like normal brother and sister.

2. Your parents. Again, your parents sound like bullies. However you could still try to talk to them about it.

3. Your cousin. It sounds like your cousin understands where you are coming from. Perhaps you could talk to her and maybe her parents. Tell them what's going on and ask them perhaps to have a word to your mum and dad.

4. Some kind of third party. It could be a school councellor, a teacher, or an abuse hotline.

This isn't a healthy enviroment for you to be in. It sounds like things could escalate, and even if you don't, your mental well being is in danger as it is.

This isn't your fault. No one deserves to be treated that way. From what I can tell by this post you are a nice, articulate. emotive young lady. I imagine that in 5, 10 years from now you'll be doing something important that makes you happy, and everyone else around you will be stuck. Unless they change, cruel people like that don't get anywhere. The saying 'nice guys finish last' is false, because assholes eventually get recognized as assholes.


To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never, to forget

~Arundhati Roy
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: i dont know what i feel about my family... - August 18th 2010, 05:10 PM

thanks:] but guess what... i just realized that my family knew about me cutting... was chatting with my distant cousin on facebook. and found out that his dad knew i cut. i have no idea how... he lives over seas. i guess there are gossips about me going around the family. and only my family knows i cut. it just makes me so sad. they all knew and they didnt care. to be honest i told my mom i was suicidal. and if she wanted to ill kill myself. and all i got was a scolding. its just so sad... counselor? i tried. i tried... and that was when i found out. they dont see it. they thought was seeking attention... i think i'll go cut after i reply this post... i dont think i can stay sane if i dont... my brother is going to military any way. and i'll be gone when he comes back. studying perhaps? or dead. i wonder. i just wonder if all of this will go away if i die. i just dont get why... im being really pressured by my cousin. she thinks im old enough to know about my family's financial status. but it gives me more pressure. when i need to pay for school books. tuition. it just makes me wish i never existed... why did they had to have me? why? why do i have to go through all this. it wasnt my choice to be born! i think because of my family environment i get really scared when i think people ar annoyed with me or even hate me. it makes me cut myself again. ever since i got depression mt memory got all fuzzy... is it normal? it sucks not remembering much from my child hood... it feels as if a part of me is gone... i dont even know what im feeling right now. tears are just coming. and they wont stop. only if i never existed... only if my mom and dad didnt decide to have me... only if i got miscarriage or something... just.... sigh.... teachers, counselors i dont trust adults anymore... they are all wearing mask covered with lies...


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Re: i dont know what i feel about my family... - August 20th 2010, 05:28 AM

When children say to their parents they want to kill themselves, parents usually don't know how to act because they usually want their child to be free of any illnesses. But when such a statement is made, they sometimes get distanced because they don't know how to approach the topic and they see you getting sadder and sadder. Others will deny it because they don't think you're serious or you'll ever do it and they too may then be unsure how to approach you about the situation.

I'm not sure if either of these applies to your parents or not. I cant say because you know them, I don't.

For your brother, sometimes there's a conflict between siblings in that they want their own group or have a view whereby they don't like their siblings. They may show such aggression because they see the other sibling as in the way and when they're older, they're more senior/in charge than the younger ones. Your brother is also his own person, he's different from you, may socialize with different people, like different things, etc..., so you two may often conflict. He knows he can beat you around because it may make him feel better about stresses and because you're not going to fight a lot against him. If someone is going to physically beat on someone else, they're going to choose a much weaker person (i.e. younger sister), not someone who can easily beat them to a pulp (i.e. big bad biker neighbour). If you rebel against him, he's going to use his social dominance in the family and aggression to stop you.

The self-harm probably gives the perception of you being weak in the family and admitting that you're so weak, you hurt yourself to feel good. Your brother disapproves and takes advantage while your family disapproves and may be unsure how to approach you or they'll agree with the inferior perception you're giving.

I think the first step is to stop self-harming and to be more dominant and aggressive while showing a higher self-esteem.
   
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