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ComteD'Artois Offline
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Desperate.. (please help) - August 23rd 2010, 09:33 PM

To whomever reads this..

I would first like to say that if you simply tell me to 'by myself' and don't offer much else advice, then I will be compelled to track you down and murder you, because that's all I've been getting recently and it's not what I'm looking for.

Secondly, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE read all of this, and don't skim. I know it's long, but as you might already know, I'm DESPERATE and I need help, please..

I am sixteen and I am male. I have recently looked back on life and I have many regrets. These regrets ultimately lead to one thing, which I will describe shortly:

1. I don't really know if I ever had a role model. My dad was always at work, ALWAYS, and even now he is constantly going abroad for business for days on end. There was even one year when my family and I had to live without him due to his work situation. I remember when I was probably 3 or 4, and I used to love playing with him, we used to play with these insect toys I really loved early in the morning, but soon we couldn't anymore because he had to go to work and I never had any other time to spend with him. It's been work, work and more work ever since I was a baby. There was also a period of time, when I reunited with my dad after living apart from him for a year, when I HATED him. I despised him, and I don't know why. It lasted for months. I didn't see him talk to him. It got to the point where, when observing the flowers in our garden one day, he told my mom that it didn't matter how pretty they were because I didn't love him anymore. That was a few years ago, but those were the darkest years of my life, and they made a hole in the relationship between my dad and I; as a result, he became very soft, quite the opposite of disciplinary, and not a very good male role model for me...I think..

2. My sister has been my role model for as long as I can remember. I only recently realized that we both have many similar tastes, such as taste in music, movies and other things. As a result, it has become easier for me to talk to girls rather than guys, and I've only recently developed the need to have close guy friends.

3. I was bullied to the extreme by boys when I was younger, and I used to seclude myself by playing video and computer games rather than socializing. Before this bullying and seclusion, I had a very active social life, I had both boys and girls as friends, and I even had girlfriends at a very young age! I don't really have any friends right now.

4. I moved around a lot

What do I believe this all has led to? It is this: social anxiety and not knowing what is deemed 'girly' by the young male society and what isn't (such as mannerisms and interests). I really don't know. There's a cloud where that knowledge is supposed to be.

But I want to change, to improve, obviously. I want to be manly, masculine, outgoing, funny, cool, and I know I can, I know I am, but only if I knew how to act, which mannerisms to adopt, how to talk, how I should..BE

I've went other places and they've told me to just be myself. Well, I am happy with myself. I stick to all my values and ideologies, I am proud of my academic success (4.04 GPA last year), I am proud of the fact that my ancestors were noble, aristocratic warriors and wonder if I have acquired their genes of intelligence, perseverance, strength and toughness, generosity and overall goodness.. I think that if I had a bit more weight and little less acne I would in fact be extremely handsome, I love the fact that I'm into house/dance/minimal/techno music, I want to be a doctor and help people and am proud of that.....................But...I would still like to change. It still takes a very large effort to go in public and talk to people. I love myself, but that's not gonna cut it.

But, see, I don't know what to change into. I'm DESPERATE for a male role model, someone to look up to. I have an uncle but he lives far away. I have another uncle but he lives even further, and he's not as close to me so I don't know how trustworthy he would be with emails (I mean, he could tell the family about all my personal issues, he's not a family member I know well enough to tell all of this to).

Who do I look up to? What do I do? Should I email that first uncle I mentioned? (I can trust him but I don't know how well he could help me...I don't know...). I want to be a party guy, I want to be social and outgoing and fun. I need this, so that I can find an ideal wife for myself, and so that I can be happier. After all, despite the fact that I want to be a doctor, I know that money won't buy happiness. I know that being in a community in which I'm accepted and loved will, and a community which I love in return. I know that you guys probably encourage individuality, but I'm WAY too individual, so individual that sometimes I wonder if the universe is real, no joke there, it's a pretty messed up feeling and freaky too haha.

Do you know of a male equivalent of Jacey Cowlishaw? I see her as a perfect model for girls, not so that they may be arrogant or wear as much makeup as her, but so that they may model her in moderation and develop self-confidence in public as a result (she's on youtube, but I can't post her link, not 10 posts yet)

As you can see I'm very uncertain about all of this. I know that I will have a brighter future because I will never give up. But that is why I am coming to you, whoever you are, because I don't know HOW to do it. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO CHANGE, how to be what I want to be.

Please help.

Last edited by ComteD'Artois; August 23rd 2010 at 09:42 PM.
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Pour the Teapot Offline
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Re: Desperate.. (please help) - August 24th 2010, 12:30 AM

Hmm, this is indeed a tough case. Have you considered seeing a therapist or looking up books about it? If that won't work, I would recommend actually going out and talking to some guys. Tell them the truth ( a shortened version, mind you) about you ask them if they have any advice. People like people who are straightforward. And if THAT doesn't work, (althought I hope it will), maybe you just aren't cut out to be very manly. There's nothing wrong with having girls as friends (we're pretty cool). Just experiment a bit until you find the right people for you. And overall, have confidence. If you are good with who you are, other people will be too. I'm sorry that's the best advice I can give you, PM me anytime.
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RedJames Offline
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Re: Desperate.. (please help) - August 26th 2010, 05:32 PM

Saddly this sort of thng happens alot in todays world, due to the price of living and what not. I know you don't want to hear this but realisticly who do you want to be? thats who you should be trying to be, not what someone else is, maybe not who you are right now either, but who do YOU want to be? If you want to be a strong, helpful, romantic, honorable man that the world seems to lack, then become that, if you'd rather be witty, funny, make ppl laugh all the time and class clown kinda, learn to be that. Its all in your hands, not anyone else. A role model is really only a good clay base for who you really turn out to be, and since your 16 now that part of the clay has been molded and hardened already, after 14 or so most ppl have learned all they need to/ want to from their role model and strike off to use it or improve it. You didn't get that, so now you get to just strike off and figure it our for yourself and mold yourself into who you want to be, or think you should/could be, which in the future will only make you stronger at whatever path you take, and will make YOU the better role model for someone else one day.
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