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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Not sure how to deal with my best friend... - February 19th 2009, 01:57 AM

This one is for the older teens - I just turned 20, I'm in my third year of college, have a job, an internship, etc. I'm doing tons of things and I feel like my life is really coming together.

However. The girl I would call my best friend at the moment is really, really bugging me. She doesn't even have her own bank account, she's living in a gorgeous dorm in NYC, & her college and living expenses are paid for 100% by her parents. However, her parents give her basically zero spending money, so the girl cannot live. She can't even go out for dinner or coffee with me, because she doesn't have money of her own - she only uses her meal plan card (which is understandable), but she literally has zero cash. I put out money for everything we do - concerts, etc. Mainly because this is a friend whom I have a ton in common with that I don't with other friends and I want to have fun and do these things with HER. She owed me over $200 bucks one time for a trip and I didn't see the money until months later when she lied to her parents and said she needed public transportation money.

This summer we were supposed to go on vacation for a week, and I laid out the costs for her. She said she'd let me know because she's trying to get her *gasp* first job, at 20 years old. Well, the way I see it is, the girl isn't even trying. When I asked her today, she said last week she made two calls and then took a nap. I cannot make vacation plans without her answer... this is getting a bit ridiculous now.

I don't know what to do because our friendship is pretty great and we have so much fun together... but we are at TOTALLY different stages and mindsets it seems, and it's really starting to affect my opinion of her. All of my other friends have jobs and even though they may not make much, it shows they're trying to make a life for themselves. I'm not sure I can deal with such a lazy person, who clearly doesn't have any motivation or will to be independent.

What should I do? I tried to talk to her about this once, and she started crying and told me to not butt in to that part of her life... it wasn't good... Ugh, so frustrating!
   
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Re: Not sure how to deal with my best friend... - February 19th 2009, 02:40 AM

Hey there,

I know I'm not the same age, but I understand this situation and I hope I can give you some advice on it.

First of all, know that you can't be the one to teach her how the world is. She will learn on her own once she realizes how difficult it is to get a job and how hard money is to come by. Talking to her about this wont register because she hasn't experienced it yet. Let her try and get her first job on her own and let her find out how the real world works.

She needs to learn that everyone can't pay for everything for her. It's not fair for you or her parents. One day she will need to provide for herself.

What I suggest doing is showing her the outline of the trip, the costs for it, and keep asking her if she's called for a job yet. Let her know that you can't pay for the two of you. If she realizes that you aren't covering the costs, then she'll try to get the money somehow. If she doesn't try, then I suggest going with someone else or postponing the trip until after she has a job and the ability to pay her own way.

Nat.


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Re: Not sure how to deal with my best friend... - February 19th 2009, 03:36 AM

Thanks for the reply!

Yeah, I unfortunately learned the hard way that talking to her about it won't register. She was very upset when I tried to teach her certain things, like how to sign up at the bank for a bank account, etc. I realized after that I overstepped my bounds, however, I am one of those friends who hates to see her friends in any sort of trouble, in pain, etc. And I was only trying to help, really...

I do know that one day she'll learn that she needs to provide for herself, and I hope that day comes fast. It's just so frustrating, you know? Because I want to have fun with her, and I know SHE wants to have fun, it's just it seems that she'd rather just mooch, or live in basically poverty and be lazy, than actually get up and do something with her life. It hurts me to see that cause I want her to succeed and this is soooo not the right way to go about it. Even just making a LITTLE money, ya know? To be able to get a cup of coffee at dunkin' donuts, or take the subway when it's cold outside instead of having to walk in the frigid cold. It seems like there's absolutely nothing that will give her enough motivation... it's odd!

I will definitely do what you suggested, thanks. That seems like a very good plan! If she doesn't pull through I do have another friend lined up, it's just that she's not big on traveling so it may take some convincing. It just sucks because this girl (the one the post is about) LOVES to travel and loves practically everything I do... it'd almost hurt me to take someone else even, because I know they won't enjoy it as much as she would. This is such a toughie! But thank you, I seriously appreciate your taking the time out to help!
   
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