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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Lorelei Offline
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Unhappy Why can't my sister see reason? - February 20th 2009, 06:18 PM

My sister thinks that if our parents were more mature, the divorce wouldn't have been as bad as it was. I agree with her, but what's happened has happened and we all have to move on. My parents have screwed things up. They were too young when they got married. They didn't know who they were, and they made a mistake. But if they hadn't gotten married and stayed together for a while, my brother, my sister, and I wouldn't exist (or worse: we would all be our step-mom's babies instead. *shudder

I'm thankful that my parents made the mistakes they made, even if it was painful. I'm thankful that I live where I do. I have so many opportunities open to me. I can be honest with my step-dad, even if I'm telling him that I think he's wrong, or that I'm upset with him. I can be honest with my mom, even though we argue, I know she always loves me and will always forgive me no matter what I do, and I'd do the same for her. I'm thankful to have the ability to learn the things I learn, and I'm thankful that I have an almost endless supply of teachers and books to learn from. I'm thankful to see the world for what it is: terrifying and painful and beautiful and crazy all at the same time. And I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm even thankful that I've gone through all the shit I've gone through, because I've developed a skill for empathy. Even if I don't understand someone's pain, I still feel for them.

Why can't my sister see these things? Why can she only think of her own pain, instead of understanding how much it also sucked for everyone else? Why is she blaming mom for all of her problems, instead of taking her life into her own hands? I mean honestly! She's 23 years old!


"How dare I? Because it is the truth." -Jane Eyre

"You do what you love, and f#%* the rest." -Little Miss Sunshine

Last edited by Lorelei; February 20th 2009 at 08:47 PM.
   
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Re: Why can't my sister see reason? - February 20th 2009, 09:03 PM

Dale Carnegie and very successful business man and author that taught many people how to deal with people said:

"When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion."
-Dale Carnegie

In this case you do have logic on your side and if people were logical your sister would see it also. You can't use logic to win someones way of thinking when there thinking with emotion so use emotion instead of logic.
   
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Re: Why can't my sister see reason? - February 20th 2009, 09:20 PM

Hey Laura,

I just want to say I think you are being really strong about all of this and you should be proud of yourself. It is evident you have been through a lot but you have come through the other side thankful for lessons learnt and progressing through your life.

Unfortunately, it takes different people different times to adjust to changes such divorce and your sister may be taking that extra but of time to come to terms with everything. Try to explain calmly to her how you feel about what has come of the divorce, like you have in this post, and tell her one day you want her to be able to see the same. Don't get exasperated with her or angry as this will make her less likely to respond. Encourage her, tell her she is strong and she can pick herself up and carry on and have a successful life.

Take care,
Vicki




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Re: Why can't my sister see reason? - February 20th 2009, 10:04 PM

Hey Laura.
It's great that you've gotten through all of this and been able to keep your head up and feel confident and sure that things turned out how they were meant to be. But even so, we can't always make everyone have the same frame of mind. Sometimes some people take longer to get over and to accept things then other people do. You can't really change how your sister feels about what has happened, but I think eventually she will reach the place where you are now and be able to adjust and accept what has happened. It may just be a bit harder for her to look away and move on, but one day she will, maybe with a little help. If you really want your sister to be able to move on from this, maybe talking to her and telling her how you've been able to move on and feel better has really made a big improvement in your life. One of the most important things I think you have to learn in life is that sometimes you get handed a crappy deck of cards but just like in a card game you play your best. You can tell your sister this over and over again, but in the end it's truly something that's better off learned on your own, and one day your sister will learn it to. Best of luck to you and your sister. Hang in there. xx






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Re: Why can't my sister see reason? - February 21st 2009, 07:08 PM

Hi Laura,

It's great that you've been able to move on from this and start understanding your parents and not blame them for what went on. You've been really strong and I'm proud of you.

Just remember that it takes some people longer to move on than others. Your sister is still feeling upset. Give her some more time. She may move on and she may not.

It's irritating for you right now, and I can understand that, but it sounds like your sister still needs more time. Age can't change these kind of emotions.

Nat.


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Re: Why can't my sister see reason? - February 21st 2009, 07:36 PM

Thanks for your replies. It helps to hear your points of view

When I talk to my sister about this, I don't say I'm irritated with her. I try to just let her tell me how she feels, and try to remind her that I'm proud of her, and so is Mom, and that it's her life now. But that fact never seems to register with her. She doesn't seem to hear it when I try to remind her how amazing she is, and how she can take responsibility for her own life now. She just doesn't want to hear it. She still wants to be a little kid.

It hurts to see my sister standing in her own way.


"How dare I? Because it is the truth." -Jane Eyre

"You do what you love, and f#%* the rest." -Little Miss Sunshine
   
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Re: Why can't my sister see reason? - February 24th 2009, 08:27 AM

My ex's sister is 30. She has always had an issue with her father since she was a teenager, for various reasons. They will always have a strained relationship, and it doesn't help that this all happened when she was a teen.
My ex, however, was very young when this happened, and grew up with it as a regular thing in his life. His sister had to deal with the severe change, whereas he just grew into it.

There's relevance in my post, I just can't think too hard right now.


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Re: Why can't my sister see reason? - February 24th 2009, 09:54 AM

Hey Laura,
Sometimes, things take time to understand.
You obviously, understand the world as a whole,
and yet your sister doesn't wish to see it, probably feeling hurt
inside herself. She must be holding a lot of pain because your parents
separated. Give her time. She's probably trying to register everything that has happened in her life. I do that a lot.
You have to help her, as her sister.
Talk to her often about how you see the world.
Open her eyes for her. Be with her in her time of need.
Everyone's views are different, show her what you see...and try to be happy around her
and remind her of all the good times you've had together with you'r parents and brother!
Best of Luck. Pm me if you need anything
Take care
Hugs
Natalie


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