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KaityKandy Offline
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Daddy, Don't You Understand The Damage You Have Done? - October 19th 2010, 01:33 AM

I'm sorry to pour my heart out to you, but I've finally broken down and I can't talk about it out loud for I will never be able to say what I want to without getting choked up, it's so much easier to write it down.

I'm in pain, emtionally and physically. I've started crying myself to sleep every night, which I haven't done since I stopped going to my dad's house every other weekend. I'm not sure what brought it up again... maybe the stupid boy who everytime that he looked at me he saw someone else, was using me until he figured out what he wanted. Or maybe because my dad texted me feeding me lies just like everyone else and my mom telling me to let go of my anger towards him, but I can't. I am completely broken and I do not know how to fix myself.

You can only sew something so many times before it can no longer be fixed, and my stitches have finally torn. I feel like someone stabbed me and sliced me. It's not my heart thats broken, it's my soul. The area right below my ribs and above my bellybutton, right at my core, I feel actual pain. My soul has been torn in half. My feelings aren't in jeopardy, it just broke who I am.

Everytime the subject was brought up, I thought the puke-ish feeling was of disgust, but it was really just the feeling of being ripped down the center. I can feel the rawness of my emotions, of my being and I feel like they are infected with a terminal disease. I can't trust, I can't love. When I get close to someone, spill my heart to them, they throw it away like it was nothing and wonder why I am the way I am... why I have trust issues, why I'm so angry. I love how the people I used to trust my life with are the ones who hurt me the most and what did I do to deserve this?

A child is not suppose to feel scared and awkward when with their father. A father is suppose to be the guardian who will always protect you. I never had anyone to protect me from my so called protecter. What have I ever done to come in last place to EVERYTHING else in your life? I'm your mistake, your responsablitiy and you don't even have to live with your punishments... but I do. I didn't do ANYTHING to deserve it. I have to live with all your consciquences and you just live you life acting like nothing is wrong.

You are the stupidest, most selfish person I have ever met and I'm ashamed to call you my father.

Recently my uncle has gone into rehab for the fourth time, leaving my 4-year-old cousin alone. I can't believe she is going to go through the same thing that I did. It is so upsetting to me, and I can't even think how he would be selfish, but I guess drugs and alcohol do that to you.

My friends make fun of me for not drinking with them at parties, but why would I want to ruin my whole life with one night of fun? I can feel the addiction gene pulsing through my body and I would never take that chance.

I carry this mask of saddness with me everywhere, all day long. It takes all my energy just to keep it from engulfing me. My guidance consoler said I have to forgive and let go before anything gets better. That is no way help to me. I can't forgive, and never forget. It lives with me forever, and I hate it.

I suck at life and I don't deserve a loving dad, good friends, or anything...
   
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Re: Daddy, Don't You Understand The Damage You Have Done? - October 19th 2010, 01:52 AM

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. My dad is an alcoholic too. He says he only drinks socially but he has no answer when I ask why he's drinking alone. :/

Why are you saying you don't deserve anything good? The problem is with your dad, not with you. You have done nothing wrong. In the American justice system, you are innocent until proven guilty. There's no evidence to show that you are guilty of anything bad. You have to remember that it is not your choice to stop him. You can will him to stop but you can't pull the bottle or can or glass from his face each time.

It is hard to deal with a person with an addiction but there is hope. You can do better. You don't have to be like him. As much as giving up is a choice, starting is a choice. You can move away from this without ignoring it. It will get better I promise.
   
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