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Annoyed - October 20th 2010, 06:35 PM

I have this 'friend' and she annoys me. I don't know how else to put it. She is constantly rude and she cuts people down all the time. For example, we go into starbucks and she will sit there and make comments about people. Stuff that is inappropriate and rude. There was this lady who had her phone and she kept getting texts and the noise was loudish. This friend of mine kept saying 'Gosh that is so annoying.' And just being rude. I finally said ''It isn't annoying me.'' She does this all the time and it bothers me.

Also, she does it to me too. There are some workers at the starbucks that she thinks are cute and she told me 'you should flirt with them to get free drinks.'' Now, I have insecurities in regards to guys so flirting is really hard. I don't feel like divulging that to her so I just said "I don't know how to flirt or I might consider it " Her response was "You flirt with your gay guy friends...Ya, you don't know how to flirt.''

Here is the thing the gay guy friends I have I have known for a year now. 'Flirting' with them is a lot different then flirting with some random starbucks barista's. And, I don't flirt with my friends as much as I joke around. It is an inside joke that I flirt with one of my gay friends a lot. Also, flirting with my gay guy friends is a lot 'safer' then flirting with straight boys.

I have a past that makes me uncomfortable around boys. I am trying to work on it but I don't need someone to constantly cut me down for it. Like, seriously she is always nit picking at me. She basically told me I need to stop 'complaining' about not having a boyfriend because I don't flirt. If I flirted a guy would want me. It is all my fault. (I don't complain about it. It bothers me I don't have one but I try staying positive and she is the only friend who has ever said I complain about it) She has criticized my breast size. I made a comment that all my gay friends are always complimenting my boobs (Not an in inappropriate way more so because I am a bit negative in terms of how my body and boobs look. They do it to build me up.) and she started criticizing and saying 'They aren't that big' 'they aren't that nice.' I mean, really?

I get annoyed by her a lot but this whole thing with flirting with guys is really hard to deal with because it is bringing up my own insecurites. I know I need to be more friendly with guys but it is hard and I don't need anyone to push it at me.

I kindly responded to her message by saying "I don't really flirt with them. It is more of a joke." I don't feel that I should have to divulge all my secrets and past to this girl. If I am evasive on the subject of flirting she should just let it go.

I know it is as simple as speaking up but last time I spoke up to her she got pissed off and basically said I wasn't a good friend. So I am a bit stuck....

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Re: Annoyed - October 20th 2010, 08:36 PM

Hi Jenna,
Your friend shouldn't be talking about you like that. Fair enough if she makes comments about strangers - it's not nice, but it's even less acceptable to criticise friends, particularly when it's clear they're upset by it. You could stand up to her, but it sounds like she won't tolerate that and just tries to make you feel bad about it. As much as it pains me to say this, maybe you should detach yourself from her for a while. If she gets the message that her attitude is putting you off, she might be more inclined to change and see where she's gone wrong. I'm not saying blank her completely, but certainly make it clear that you're not going to hang on her every word and act as her doormat.
Time alone or company with other friends are ways to avoid her annoying comments. If you find a different person to hang out with, she might realise that she hasn't been a very good friend to you and realise that she misses you. This might be the sort of situation where you can't change the person yourself, but wait for the person to come around and change themselves. With a bit of luck she'll realise that friendship isn't about cutting you down or pressuring you to behave in ways you don't want to.
I hope it goes OK, Jenna. Hopefully your friend will come to her senses and realise she can't treat friendships this way. Take care.

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Re: Annoyed - October 22nd 2010, 07:48 PM

Hey there,

Personally, I think she's the one that isn't the good friend! All you tried to do was explain to her a few things and let her know how she was making you feel, and she got angry with you and said you weren't a good friend. To me I think that was completely unnecessary and she's just plain nasty. If she doesn't understand how you're feeling, and quite frankly, doesn't care, then I don't think you should spend much time with her any more.

She doesn't sound like a very nice person anyway, and definitely not a good friend. She obviously doesn't understand your 'problems' and isn't sympathetic to them either. I think you should try to speak to her again about how you're feeling, and if she blasts up in your face then you know she's just not worth your time.

I know it's hard but maybe you should try to 'cut her out' and find some new friends who will care about you a bit more, take care.

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