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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Helper Offline
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Null and void... - December 21st 2010, 05:28 AM

I have this friend who is probably one of the closest I've ever had. I've told her just about everything there is to know about me. Even my other close friend doesn't know some of the things she knows...but our friendship has been really rocky, especially recently. I love her to death but sometimes she drives me off the wall. She used to be the love of my life (still kind of is, if I dig deep down) and she ended up going out with my friend, which broke my heart and ripped me to pieces (dramatic, I know). But anyways, recently her relationship with him has gotten rocky, and she comes to me to talk about it, naturally, but its beginning to drive me nuts. From what she tells me, he seems to be no good for her anymore, but she refuses to leave him because she lost her virginity to him and they made a commitment and all. It just makes me angry and confused. One week she loves him to death and the next she's ready to dump him. To be honest I think she should. He's a jealous controlling kind of bastard and it seems that the relationship now brings more misery than joy, but I don't know what to do. I want to support her, but I don't know how. I don't think I can do it anymore. I've become biased, since now her boyfriend and I would probably strangle each other to death if left in a room unsupervised....and every time she talks about dumping and I support her with that decision, then conversation usually ends with: "I'm not sure if i want to leave him" or "I can't leave him after everything he's done for me." or "It's hard to walk away from 'Forever and always'" So I'm left wondering what in the hell to do. Everything I say and do to support her always ends up being null and void
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Re: Null and void... - December 22nd 2010, 12:35 AM

I know love and respect come together and this guy doesn't seem to be the one for her. Things could change and he could become the coolest guy ever and stop with the control and jealousy but people are weird and love is weird.. I think you should try to be her friend and just tell her that you care a lot about her and you just want her to be happy and right now you know that she isn't. I'm not sure if that will work but she should also know that words need to coincide with our actions and that if he's sitting there telling her that it's "forever and always" but yet treating her this way then he obviously doesn't fully believe that...you should make it clear that you care a ton about her and everything you are telling her is for her own happiness and that she needs a TRUE commitment rather than a fake one...also....if she thinks just bc they've had sex together they are meant to be than she is GREATLY mistaken...sex does not mean you are in it forever and if she honestly thought that was the case than that means she loves him and wants to marry him which i don't think is true... I'm not sure if that helped but don't sound frustrated with her...just sound concerned and point out that the actions of love MUST coincide with the WORDS of love too
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Re: Null and void... - December 23rd 2010, 03:39 PM

If she mentions she wants to dump him over and over, then responds with something along the lines of "I don't know", chances are she does want to dump him but may be unsure how to do it, afraid of his reaction or considers something good they had together that prevents her from being 100% sure in her decision. She's over 50% sure she wants to dump him. I think one of the biggest struggles though is she had something with him she didn't have with anyone else: sex. Losing her virginity changes her identity in how she perceives herself and how she thinks others may perceive her. I think she feels having sex is an unwritten contract that they should be together.

I think as a friend, you should be there for her, which you already are, and tell her to do what makes her the happiest and most comfortable in life. Have her ask herself, purely on an emotional level, how is the relationship making her feel? A relationship should make someone feel content with themselves and life. If it's not doing so, it's something that's dragging her down and should be cut. Another thing to consider in a relationship is taking the view of each person.

How long has their relationship been rocky? It could be a result of the holidays or something happened to one of them in their lives and it gets reflected in the relationship. If it's been happening for a while, their life outside the relationship is rocky or they're not as interested in the relationship.

I can rip you off, and steal all your cash, suckerpunch you in the face, stand back and laugh. Leave you stranded as fast as a heart-attack.
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Re: Null and void... - December 25th 2010, 03:26 AM

DUde!!! Everything that WOW! You said something smart! just said was SOOOOO true....like shes concerned about their unspoken and unwritten commitment to eachother because of the sex and that she's almost certain she wants to dump him but then decides they made a commitment through sex and how you should use empathy and open-mindedness to look at it through each other's point of view and be there for her as a friend and determine if these issues are soon fading issues only because of outside stress triggers or actual long-lasting problems because of insecurities and such.....Gosh I wish I had you're insight!! And good luck with your friend!! I'm sure she will find happiness...it's just a hard reality to know you won't always lose your virginity to "the one".
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