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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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BigHector Offline
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Friend help - December 24th 2010, 08:45 PM

I'm a guy whose best high school friend was a girl. We did everything together and we were very close. But recently I completely vanished from her life without any hint or warning. Why? Because it finally dawned on me that she made up many things up about herself the most ridiculous being that she probably faked a pregnancy over the summer. She made up stuff about her getting a four year scholarships , elaborate life experiences, and depression. My mom is also good friends with her mom and I still support that but she wants ke to reconnect with her. My old friend also wants to as well. I am very torn between separating myself from her or not. 95% she awesome but that other 5% she can be selfish. Was i right in my decision? (my reasoning behind just vanishing was that if she can't tell the truth than why should I give the courtesy to her)
   
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Re: Friend help - December 25th 2010, 04:21 AM

Hmmmmmm....maybe you should still be her friend but just address her on her selfishness and lies and say .."you know i totally love you and you're my bestie but like...you kind of do this and it makes me feel like this and i really wish you wouldn't and rather than saying that or feigning this you should just do this instead" i think maybe she would understand and even apologize for her behavior...for someoen to be 95 percent sweet...they've got to be able to take responsibility for their actions and adjust parts of themselves for others or just be more considerate of others feelings...idk..that's just me..
   
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Re: Friend help - December 25th 2010, 05:59 AM

People who persistently lie about certain attention-capturing events often are craving for attention in pathological ways. The reasoning people do this varies so much. You could probably find a dozen reasons and still could have room to add in a hundred more. There are common ones, such as narcissism, begging for attention but being too socially inept to actually get the events to truly happen, desperately want the events to happen so they convince themselves they can get it, etc... . Since she wants to come back with you, I wouldn't jump right into it. I'd try to contemplate why she would want to get back together then ask her why as well as ask her why at this particular moment when there was plenty of time before that wasn't used for this. To be fair, if you do get back with her you should tell her why you left because she will want to know. Telling her could lead to her fooling you less.

Whether you were right in your decision doesn't matter, at least not in my view. It's done and even if it was wrong, there's nothing you can do about it. You had reasoning that was designed to make life better for yourself and hopefully causing her not too much pain. Asking whether it was right or wrong is only useful when you're going to make a decision or you just made it and almost instantly change your decision.

But I've got to also say, you've got to be more vigilant in letting her fool you less. You didn't expect her to lie about such things, which is what everyone would agree with. Now that you know, try to fall for them less so you can give her attention when she wants it but without believing in false things. Use your knowledge of her to try to think why she would want to produce such lies again, whether it's for attention-craving, wanting domination over others, pathological lying, etc... . Hopefully you could also help her work on this if you identify it.


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- Danko Jones (I Think Bad Thoughts)
   
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Re: Friend help - December 26th 2010, 12:52 AM

That is some fantastic advice but after reading this and reviewing the course of our friendship. It's just littered with her manipulating or at least trying to. We were really close and sometimes she would take advantage of me and my generosity. A few weeks before I vanished we both admitted that we were interested in each other. We started to occasionally hold hand and kiss but.. We got a new guy friend into the mix. We were hanging out in a borders store and when I turn a corner I see them kissing. So we fought about that and she apologized. I swore to myself that I would never go down that road with her ever again. It's just that their are so many scenarios ware I can see that narcissistic edge to her and her selfish ways that I don't think I could ever go back. It's still hard because we did have so many good times together and were like two peas on a pod. Considering this new info would your advice old advice change. Though unless something completely revolutionary comes to me I probably won't change what I did. Just wanting to know what you would do because I do still have some doubts.
   
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Re: Friend help - December 27th 2010, 04:07 AM

In a consensual, voluntary relationship, both of you have to feel comfortable with each other and trusting each other. If you don't trust her because of previous manipulations, cheating and acting in ways you cant deal with, entering the relationship again is only going to bring about the same things. At first it may not and it may seem wonderful that you're back together, but if she doesn't change, then neither will your feelings of the relationship change. If there are strong narcissistic traits of her, then she will manipulate to get attention. In that case, you have three options. First, don't give any attention to what she wants when she does this. Second, give the attention and continue doing what you did before. Third, demonstrate even greater narcissistic traits, which for you would involve changing who you are. That is one thing that "beats" a narcissist: a greater narcissist. The first one is the easiest although it would strain the relationship considerably so it would break up again.

This is very much the same as what I said earlier because you identified the reason for her manipulation. I still hold the same view that it doesn't matter whether your decision to leave her was right or wrong as you had your reasons for doing so that benefited you (and could have benefited her also), and you cant change it.


I can rip you off, and steal all your cash, suckerpunch you in the face, stand back and laugh. Leave you stranded as fast as a heart-attack.
- Danko Jones (I Think Bad Thoughts)
   
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